How should I handle an overly assertive peer?

Question

I have a coworker who is vocal and very assertive when he thinks something is being done wrong. We're both mid-level developers, but he is a much more experienced developer than I in the language that we're using. Hence he often has a lot of critical feedback on my code reviews.

The problem is that I find myself feeling injured when I read through his comments. I don't usually feel like that when I receive code feedback from other coworkers. It's hard to point to specific examples, but his feedback is blunt and tends to have undertones implying that I don't know what I'm doing.

I read the question of How can I be assertive without being rude or offensive? and my question is the other side of the coin in that scenario:

1. How should I handle an assertive peer who gives valid feedback, but comes across as overly blunt and offensive?

2. If I can't prevent it, how can I learn to stop being so sensitive about it?

Answer 1

I can think of four things, although I'm afraid they are obvious.

1. Calibrate. He's blunt and shows weaker social skills. If you can, assume better of his thoughts. Try to equate his rude feedback with others' gentle feedback. It really seems this guy's dial is set differently. Set that expectation and do not take it personally. You wouldn't get offended if a dog barks at you, even if it makes valid points about territory. It's him not you.
2. Give him blunt feedback. I think the blunt prefer blunt. Tell him, "Your feedback is good but your delivery sucks. You being a jackass distracts from your good points. Lighten up."
3. Ask your boss or a senior colleague to intervene.
4. Give him gentle feedback to the same effect.

Answer 2

Adopt an extractive mentality

If he is actually giving you excellent feedback, treat this as a boot camp for learning a ton. Focus on getting as much good learning as possible, even if at the expense of your regular work and performance evaluations, which will likely be under his shadow anyway. Then, if at the end he still gets on your nerves (or you just want a new job), use your newfound skills to go somewhere else where you can be the star and get a clean reputational reset.

Answer 3

I pick this part of your two alternatives:

If I can't prevent it, how can I learn to stop being so sensitive about it?

It is always hard, and often futile to change the the behaviour of others, especially peers. Also, chances are that you will meet such disagreeable persons again and again in your work life.

So I would really focus on changing your own perception. Accept that he is as he is. Ask yourself why it makes you feel bad that he gives blunt feedback. Ask yourself why you feel that he thinks that you are stupid.

I am not suggesting that he is not thinking you are stupid, but whatever he is thinking should not have an affect on you. This is a subtle but very important difference.

One tool that could help to be less sensitive (at least it did for me) is to be compassionate. That is, try to picture the person as a human with his own problems and issues. Understand that the spectrum of human characteristics can always naturally or through circumstances lead to such behaviour.

If you fear that his feedback makes you feel bad in the eyes of others, especially career related, then being overly defensive will not help you. Instead, be professional; if he points out errors, then fix them and be communicative about this (not defensive); if there is some criticism which you don't accept (i.e., he wants you to do some piece of work differently, but you think you are correct), then discuss this on a professional level with him - always objectively about the matter at hand, never about personal feelings related to it.

Obviously, if you simply cannot do all of that and it becomes ridiculous; if you feel you're burning out due to this, or getting ill simply from the thought of going to work, talk to your manager and let them help you.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, words on a screen can often look much harsher than they are supposed to be, particularly in a code review, where the point is to be hyper critical. Supposing your code does suck? How can a reviewer express that in a way that isn't going to hurt your feelings? For the reviewer, it can become tedious when they have to go over every comment and find ways to soften it as much as possible; often it's a lot easier just to state the unvarnished truth - but this can come across as harsh. I would try and look at your colleague's comments in a charitable light and assume that they're not supposed to be unkind, particularly if the criticism is valid.

Personally, I think code reviews of this kind, when it's just an exchange of comments, are a bad practise. I much prefer reviews to be done in person, where people can use body language and voice tone to soften the edge of criticism. I think the way code reviews are done across the industry is broken - but that's a wider topic.

Answer 5

If I can't prevent it, how can I learn to stop being so sensitive about it?

If he's giving reasonable feedback in a machine-like way (no padding, just the facts) then pretend that he is a machine.

My compiler/linter/etc. routinely tell me things that may seem overly blunt, but it doesn't bother me at all, try to think of him in the same way. You push a button and a list of warnings comes out the other side, but the box in the middle isn't judging you, it's just applying some criteria to your code and giving you the results.

The only thing you need to do differently is write down the explanation for any warnings that you're ignoring, but that's just a slight variation on normal procedure--you can think of it like the comment you would leave in code that was unusual but needed to be that way for some reason and you don't want someone in the future to be confused by it.

(Side note, it may also help to set up your IDE to run more static analysis tools automatically before you commit, if any of the things your coworker is commenting on could be caught by that, because it will be faster to change them before you even commit--plus then you don't have to hear about it from him. Static analysis is getting smarter all the time, and I find that it's really helped me catch small details that could have caused future problems.)

Answer 6

Being rude or condescending is being unprofessional. I would reply to a few of his review comments with a note that says something like, "No need to be rude. I'll consider your advice." See if he tones things down after that. If he doesn't apologize or change course then I just would ignore any unprofessional messages from him in the future. Unless ignoring it will impact your job performance.