How to communicate with a manager who forbids me to write emails and denies that I told him things

Question

I have a typical office job in a Western culture. My colleagues and I spend 99% of our work time with our laptops.

My manager forbids me to write emails. I'm used to writing emails if I want to have things in writing, e.g. for documenting purposes (so that I know what was communicated when), to bring some clarity and structure into some complex topics, and, of course, also as a CYA ("Cover your ass") strategy - this is an important function given that the work in my current team is frequently extremely chaotic, responsibilities aren't clear and I'm frequently told to do things which are doubtful to say the least. The manager hates that, he sees emails as escalations, he basically forbade me to write emails to him and other colleagues.

After talking to him at least 5 times in the last few months about an issue, I decided to write a CYA email despite this ban. It's a big important CYA! It was important information, which had relevance for both that manager and his manager, who I also CC'ed. But yes, it was clear for me that it could be understood as an escalation. Still, in the email I was super polite, super understanding and accommodating. Absolutely no accusations were expressed, just facts.

The manager was furious. Interestingly, however, he told me I had never raised the topic with him before. He repeated the assertion several times, so it wasn't like I didn't understand him. He honestly believes I had never raised the topic with him!

The last time I raised the topic was just last week. We communicate in a language which we both speak fluently, so it was unlikely to have been a misunderstanding.

Can you tell me what (communication) strategies can be used in this situation?

Answer 1

This sounds beyond dodgy. Are you sure your company is above board? The only reason not to have a paper trail is to not have a paper trail.

I would approach your department head.

If your Manager is making such ludicrous commands, then gaslighting you, he's probably beyond dealing with by yourself.

Answer 2

Start looking for another job, hard.

Your manager is setting you up to be blamed when things go bad (and they very clearly will).

There are no "communication strategies" that will work for someone who is deliberately trying to undermine you. It's like asking "how can I be nicer so my boyfriend stops beating me?" That's not a question that's simply hard to answer, it's fundamentally the wrong question.

Whether you want to go out with a bang or a whimper is up to you: if you think that you can compile enough damning evidence about what he's doing, then take it and go over his head. But by "enough damning evidence", I mean enough to get him fired, because if he just gets a "talking to", you clearly don't want to continue being there as his target.

Answer 3

The main issue, as pointed out, that the person likely does not want to have a trail. If this is true then the only real CYA is to carry your A to someplace else to work.

That said, let's say with the slim possibility, that it is something else, like some of the legal ramifications for E-mail tracing and retention policy or security. I would find this both doubtful and still raising ethics flags, but we are giving a channel for benefit of the doubt here, so go with it. There are other avenues, such as instant message software, thinking products like Slack which would allow communications recorded for reference, but not available for some of the same record keeping requirements and audit trail by your company. You might float such an idea with your boss if such would be acceptable? If not, then you likely remove the shadow of a doubt on their intentions.

Answer 4

Turn the process around. Say something like

Can I get that in writing, please?

when you are given instructions where you feel you require a CYA or clarifications.

It's then your manager's choice whether he'll give you a handwritten note, send you a fax, an email or a text message (SMS) or a direct (or public) message on the company's team chat (e.g. slack). _{Obviously, if he opts for a non-persistant written medium (Snapchat maybe? unlikely though) insist on something persistant. Same for media with plausible deniability (e.g. OTR instant messages or unauthenticated IRC).}

Be open and honest about your reason for such requests. (At least when asked by your manager, depending on context/situation mood maybe also pro-actively.):

For CYA, e.g.:

You know I have my reservations about that and that I fear this may blow up on us. [Or: "... may be more detrimental than beneficial to the company/business" for less crass decisions.] I really hope it doesn't and will do my best to avoid damage, but if it does, I don't want to look like I was acting arbitrary and unauthorized.

If you yourself doubt you'll be able to account for that decision, you can still redecide now. And if it isn't your call, maybe you want to get it in writing from your boss, too?

For clarifications:

I just want to avoid any misunderstandings, as this is a complicated and delicate issue.

(Obviously, rephrase and adapt these to local/company culture and best also to your boss' attitude and to the professional relationship between your boss and yourself.)

Answer 5

You are now at war with your boss

He gave you a direct order. You violated it, and CC'd his boss in the process.

Either you or your boss will likely be leaving the company, either voluntarily or involuntarily. If your grandboss takes your side, your boss will likely be fired. If he does not, you will likely be fired.

At all times, try to be the most reasonable party. It makes it more likely that your grandboss will take your side. If there are conflicts between your boss and grandboss, either try to get meetings together with the three of you where you act as peacemaker, or take your grandboss's side.

Answer 6

he basically forbade me to write emails to him and other colleagues.

You are perfectly entitled to tell your manager flat out that you will not follow an instruction if you believe it isn't reasonable. Your manager then has the choice of backing down or escalating.

For specific decisions about your area of work, and anything technical, you don't fight that. You should get it in writing to make it clear that it's his decision, but if there's a decision to be made then someone has to make a judgement call. He has the authority there.

For issues about the way you work though, and particularly about emails and record-keeping, this is a case where there is no possible answer except "no". It harms you, because you might personally be blamed for something which was someone else's decision or a team decision. It harms the product, because it needs people to keep their understanding of how something should work in their head, and people may easily forget details. And it harms the company, because it leaves no documentation for succession management in case either of you are knocked down by a bus, quit the company, or are otherwise unable to continue.

This is quite simply a case where you need to refuse to do as instructed.

Answer 7

...that manager and his manager, who I also CC'ed.

Is he ok with you emailing just him (without CCing anyone)? If you send an email reiterating what he has told you, and maybe asking for clarification, right after the meeting, then it shouldn't be as easy to justify anger with "this email was an escalation".

Something like

Hi manager,

Thanks for the meeting earlier. Just to check that my understanding was right from the meeting, you do want me to shred all the accounting records? Would it be better for me to burn them afterwards, or put them in the recycling?

Best wishes,

Ass McCovered

Then you have a copy of the email, you can print it if you want and keep a hard copy, the email doesn't look like you are raising concerns or trying to bring it to someone else's attention. And if he later says "I didn't tell you to do this", you can point to the email and say you asked right after the meeting and didn't get a response, or whatever.

Alternatively, you could do it "James Comey"-style and write memos/emails to yourself after each meeting documenting what he told you, or to a trusted colleague. If your company has a compliance officer, you could talk to them and ask if they would be happy for you to send writeups of your meetings to them without letting the manager know. Alternatively someone from HR, or failing that just a friend in the office. You can also try to gather other evidence to corroborate your story if you ever need it - e.g. show that the work you did following a meeting matches what you wrote in the memo, and that your manager was satisfied with that.

Answer 8

Have you asked him to send his "no emails" policy in writing? If not, perhaps you could send him - and his boss - an email asking him to confirm this requirement, given that this is not only unusual but leaves both you and the company vulnerable to misunderstandings.

Answer 9

I'm hearing impaired, growing up, I used something called "note takers". Another student would take notes, and I would get a copy at the end of class.

You can use a product like this, and keep a copy for yourself.

https://www.eurekaschool.com/c-115-duplicate-notes.aspx

You don't have to use these. Any kind of duplicate notes product will work.

This will create a literal paper trail

Answer 10

When he asks you to do something you think might be harmful to the business, and he doesn't like to use emails, have you considered saying something like "Can you write that down on a piece of paper for me? Memory's a fallible thing; if it isn't written down, I might forget to do it."

Answer 11

Email him everything you discuss from now on. If he makes it a problem again, break chain of command and inform his superiors of his garbage policy.

The important thing to note is that it doesn't matter what your manager's policy is if that's not what company policy is. It's clear from your comments that your manager is incapable of managing things without email.

Answer 12

Leverage an Automated System for the emails

Various issue tracking software can be configured to automatically send emails to people. Any time your manager gives you a task, create a ticket for the task in the system. If configured correctly, the system would then proceed to send an automated email detailing everything to you, your manager, and anyone else you want.

If he complains about the automated email, you can shift the blame to the issue tracking software and say it is built in. At the same time, the issue tracking system will provide a nice paper trail of what work you are doing and who requested it.

Even for work that does not involve programming, having a system that tracks tasks is very beneficial. So if you are working in an environment that does not have it, I recommend finding one that meets your needs and act as a champion for its adoption. If used correctly, it can help address the issue you are facing.

If your manager still claims that he never assigned you a task. Tracking software can have restrictions put in place on who can allow tasks to be moved into development. On one program I worked on which was rather large before any item or task could be worked it had to be approved by a technical leader or manager. As such the workflow went like this:

• Open: Someone has created the task and is currently adding details to it
• Review: Item/task is awaiting person with authority like your manager to review it
• Development: Actively working the item/task...

After that there can be testing, verification, sign off or any other number of steps that make sense for what you are working on. The second step is the most important step since that would force your manager to sign off on all work while creating a paper trail.

Answer 13

I will expand upon Chris' comment on another answer here:

It works both ways fortunately - if your boss is asking you to do things you don't want to just don't do them and if your boss complains then claim he never told you... Not necessarily the best course of action but it will certainly have it bought to light and mean that you won't get in trouble for making wrong decisions...

You could just keep sending the mails and then claim that your boss never told you not to send mails or just that you don't seem to have any notes on that topic in your inbox.

Should he decide to send you a mail for "not communicating with mails" then he's essentially stringing himself by his foot, if not, you still have no confirmation on this matter and can just carry on.

Answer 14

Another answer may have mentioned it in passing, but this does seem rife with the possibility for unethical behavior - the avoidance of a "paper trail" on discussions.

I've worked for 2 large companies for the past 13 years, and they have both had a company policy that behavior that you think may be unethical should be reported, and that making such reports cannot lead to retaliation. If your company has a similar policy, I'd ask about the behavior in general.

Try to stay out of it as a matter of CYA per se. If absolutely necessary, mention that concerns you've raised with your superior verbally have sometimes been ignored, and that you'd feel more comfortable being able to show him that you brought them up to him, if a question were to arise later.

Answer 15

Use a mini dictaphone in your pocket. I do this all the time in meetings. I have neither had to play it back nor admit it's there, and that's important, because doing that is a little like setting off the first WMD. How it works is this.. You KNOW what was said, and you are supremely confident in your knowledge because the evidence is in your pocket. Yr boss will SEE the confidence in you and back down immediately. If boss doesn't, he needs a medic, but I have never know that to happen (and I've had some tough nuts in my time).

Answer 16

Start writing down every exchange you have with your boss - date-marked and in pen - so that you have a record of when you converse with him.

Don't do this in front of him obviously - he doesn't seem the type that would take kindly to having what he's said written down in front of him. Keep it in a notebook that you keep out of sight.

In the absence of email trail, this is the only way you can CYA in case he tries to pin the blame on you.

And, as others have suggested, either report this behavior to head management/HR, or start looking for a new job (possibly both - as if it turns out your entire company is like this, you may need to take both routes).

Answer 17

While I agree with other answers that this sounds suspicious on the manager's part, it seems that when you say "he basically forbade me to write emails to him and other colleagues" that those "other colleagues" are people above your boss in the chain of command ("which had relevance for both that manager and his manager, who I also CC'ed"). If so, your boss is correct, those emails are escalations. If you email someone's boss, you're escalating the issue. He is correctly recognizing that you have taken an issue to his superiors, which is one very solid definition of escalation.

LangeHaare's answer addresses a path forward for you to take once you recognize that one thing your boss is saying is correct--you have been escalating issues.

Also, as a basic rule of thumb, any time you go over your manager's head, expect either you or your manager to be fired (as explained by Matthew Grivich). It doesn't always go that way, but I would generally consider that to be the most likely outcome in a US business.

Answer 18

If you had BCC'd his boss, and that person respected the BCC, you would have had a better cover that didn't involve your boss going to his boss and possibly making excuses and laying blame.

Your boss has forbid emails, I guess he can do that and recommend you for discipline (for that, or any other reason) if you don't listen.

Some ways to get around the email ban, CYA, and their forgetfulness

• Strike up a short conversation from time to time with your boss' boss - get on good terms.

• After some time, and your boss' boss knows you better, throw into parting comments that you need to be on your way - since you have to talk to your boss about XYZ.

That makes it look like you're going over him when in fact you are not, when he checks he'll find out you didn't, he'll draw more attention to the matter and be obligated to not be forgetful.

• Instead of writing emails write a script, refer to your script while you're telling your boss something; even make checkmarks as you go - they can accuse you of writing an email but you can deny it, it's just notes of the points that you wanted to bring up with them.

• Make a FAX instead of an email, a single copy to yourself and intercept it as it comes in. Make a seperate script that looks the same as the FAX, but without the header - go to your meeting with the script and keep the FAX as proof that you sent a FAX to schedule the meeting (be careful that it's not a smart FAX machine that someone understands as it will keep a copy of your FAX and they'll accuse you of only sending one copy to yourself - deny it as an oversight if caught).

• It's legal in some places to record a conversation if you are present and speak, without informing any other party to the conversation - don't expect them to enjoy that more than email, OTOH if you're fired you'll have proof.

Make it a learned skill for your boss that there's an obligation to understand and remember what's being said - his dismissive behavior and denials are insulting, it's like when you tell them something they don't have to know or remember - just deny everything and advance his agenda.

I've had bosses that thought like yours and I've had it the other way around where the boss wanted to give his input, a spoonful at a time, every now and then. You have to wean them of their ways and get them off you.

Of course: How far you can push your luck is an imprecise measure of your: usefulness, replaceability, boss' patience, how little you earn, etc.

Finding somewhere else to work, and not feeding the hand that bites to you, is the way forward.

Answer 19

Allow me to suggest an approach that I and others have used with great success -- it's basically just keeping a list of your tasks to make sure that you and others are on the same page.

See http://btorpey.github.io/blog/2014/08/21/status-reports/ for a write-up.

This may be seen as less threatening.

Good luck.