Is it appropriate to use email to ask a worker to stop backbiting?

Question

I have a (female) coworker who always has a terrible mood and curses everything. While I can deal with that, now, after working a few months at this place, I see more and more that she terribly backbites people. Not just some usual shit-talk but just plain bullying with the goal to let the other person look as bad as possible.

At first, I didn't care because

• she seems to always have a bad mood
• she hates everyone
• she isn't even working in my team
• she (physically) changed the office

As this didn't stop and she didn't care to openly yell even at team leaders telling them all disgrace I'm cautious about confronting her directly.

I told another coworker who just bad-mouthed me once (and not as severe as the female one) that I'm always open to feedback and I would desire him to give feedback directly to me. He was very confused and left the place.

Why I consider telling her over mail:

• I don't want a discussion. If I do something wrong you tell me, if I don't listen or behave badly you tell my boss
• I don't see her in a 1:1, since she's in another team
• I can point out that it's important for me that she has a good image of me
• If she continues I can at least prove that I tried to encourage her to an open talk
• I'm bad with words when I'm nervous. She is someone who uses her anger to silence people, unfortunately this works on me
• Several co-workers told me that they asked her (since she does this on all persons) and she didn't care

Why I consider it bad doing it over mail:

• It could come off as passive-aggressive
• I could appear weak not talking directly to her

Making things harder for me is that I'm relatively new in that company (less than 1/2 year) and if I do it wrong it could look rude (someone <30 telling someone above 50 how to behave).

That being said its incredibly hard for me to work in an environment where you get trashed as soon there's a possibility without you even knowing. No problem with it if it happens from time to time, but she does it constantly.

(Or, to put it into an example: Some fires are too big to fight(leave the company), some are so small that you just have to wait till they extinguish by themself, but in this case someone with matches is starting fires over and over)

Is a mail (just with her as recipient) appropriate since a normal talk won't work out or should I approach the situation differently?

Answer 1

No, you never want to criticize or deliver negative feedback via email.

Unless your boss is completely incompetent this is a conversation you need to have with your boss, first. Period. "Hey boss, coworker seems to badmouth everything. This is really distracting and demoralizing, do you have any suggestions for what I should do?"

Passively aggressively confronting someone like this will end poorly.

Answer 2

You do not want to address this person in mail, the last thing you want to do with a back-biting, double-crossing coworker is to give them a paper trail.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING

Before you say so much as "boo" to this person, have a log of all the times she has acted out including what was said, to whom it was said, and when. You want to have an established pattern of her behavior before you confront her.

THEN

State plainly and clearly to her that her actions are unacceptable. When it happens again, simply say.

I'm sorry, it is inappropriate for you to speak to me with that tone and that language.

Then, walk away without another word.

If she follows you and persists, stick to the script.

I'm sorry, I will not be addressed in this fashion. Please leave.

Do not engage her beyond that. If she escalates to management, show your documentation at that time. Make sure that your own behavior is above reproach.

Answer 3

I would talk to your manager about it. It does not sound like a face to face conversation will work with her, in which case email most definitely will not. If she is being this way across different groups, perhaps you are not the first to notice or report her unproductive, negative behavior.

Answer 4

Is a mail (just with her as recipient) appropriate since a normal talk won't work out or should I approach the situation differently?

First I have to say that I wouldn't recommend too much on this whole idea of confronting her. Some people just happen to be rude and a PITA all day long; I doubt that one can easily change that kind of people.

Secondly, if you decide you still want to do it then perhaps a more polite approach would be to do it in person, rather than by email. If you get nervous or may forget things I suggest you write down your "speech" before doing so.

Furthermore you even say that your coworkers have tried before and she "doesn't care", so I doubt this is going to work out. If you feel this person has a problem I suggest you talk to your superiors and expose your concerns about it. They will then be able to do (or not) something about it.

That being said its incredibly hard for me to work in an environment where you get trashed as soon there's a possibility without you even knowing....

This is a relevant thing you said, and backs up my second suggestion: if you are not comfortable with your work environment there, and that person does not change or seem to ever going to, then perhaps it is time to start looking for jobs elsewhere.

Answer 5

This sounds like a bad situation and makes the workplace a hostile environment. I would recommend documenting everything and formally reporting her to Human Resources. When doing so, I would specifically point out every real or perceived workplace violation she makes (e.g. yelling at her leadership: insubordination).

You and your co-workers shouldn't have to put up with her and, since management has obviously not acted, I doubt that going to your manager would make any difference (it could even backfire).

Personally, I would be looking for work elsewhere. Life is too short to put up with these kinds of people. Good luck!