Being seen as assertive in the workplace [closed]

Question

I am a young woman of small build. I also give off the impression of being 'Ms Perfect' for the fact that I take care of my appearance and weight. I'm also ambitious.

I find I am constantly being 'dominated', to put it mildly, and bullied in worse case scenarios.

I'm sure a lot of this is because of my appearance, size and the fact that I'm softly spoken. I'm always called a 'lady' or a 'gentle lady' which is something I'm proud of and want to be, but I guess I've not learned how to own it.

I don't want this to come across as I'm a pushover - I'm certainly not. In fact when I do stand up for myself I get called aggressive, ruining group morale, communication difficulties etc.

e.g. Colleagues (especially women) ask me to the point of interrogation - what did you eat today, what did you eat yesterday, what are you having for lunch etc because I'm slim, and then I overhear them saying I have an eating disorder. This infuriates me and I get incredibly prickly! I don't know how to deal with it. I wish they would leave me alone.

Colleagues think I'm stupid because of the way I look, despite the fact I am in some cases better qualified, and a better performer. They patronise and undermine my work, make snide comments, etc. It is impossible to fight back, before being called a problem.

It may come as no surprise that women are the worst at this.

I find it exhausting dealing with negative vibes constantly.

How can I deal with situations like this assertively, and earn the respect of my colleagues without being seen as aggressive?

Answer 1

I am a small, softly spoken, very petite woman (5'3) who is the tech lead for my company, so I can speak with some experience here :)

Assertiveness has its place in the workplace, but it's competence that people pay attention to. Ignore the petty comments about your appearance, what you wear, and get in and do your job to the best of your ability. I have done this for over 20 years and these days I rarely need to be assertive because I have built the confidence of those above and below me in the food chain of my capabilities.

Remember, when surrounded by unprofessional people, be the professional. Office politics and sniping become ineffective when you consistently demonstrate capacity and competence. I work will nearly all males and they listen and respect me as a professional, and my being a woman half the size of many of them is largely irrelevant :)

Answer 2

I can not speak to a solution outside of the workplace, because it is different. To be honest, some people you meet in life are just plain a**holes and looking to feel superior over someone. You are a soft spoken (when unprovoked), small, woman and this can be seen as a target for those people. I can tell you in my workplace, you would be a welcome addition. And so it greatly depends on the culture of your company.

But, I do not suggest to pretend to be someone you are not. I'll play devils advocate and say that IF you try to go against your character, those same people will call you "fake" and the "b" word. These people are unprofessional and a**holes and you should treat them as such. Do not take that from anyone.

Absolutely stand your ground when you are confident in your ideas, endeavors etc. Challenge people on their ideas when appropriate. The person who is the most quiet is the one I usually listen to when stuff goes sideways because they are calm and collected, as you are.

Understand that this is most likely a company culture issue, and not a YOU issue. As always, escalate any further problems to your boss if it starts to really affect you. Good luck!