Senior asking out for coffee on weekend and running out of options to decline it politely

Question

One of my friends has been asked out for coffee, and I'm posting in this forum for some suggestions on how to politely decline the invite.

The senior manager has asked this girl out for coffee on a weekend (this is the second time).

1. He's asked before as well and the girl has declined it the first time politely.

2. If the girl accepts the invite, then (since he's a senior and she's just a newbie in the company) her colleagues, if they come to know about it, will start saying things and exaggerate the whole situation.

3. The girl is personally not interested in going out with the manager and is running out of options to politely decline the invite.

4. The girl thought she could have a coffee in the office on a break, that would be a comfortable environment and formal as well, but that's bound to raise eyebrows because he's that much senior to the girl.

The girl doesn't want this to impact her career goals as she's just joined this company and he's established in the senior management.

How can my friend decline the invitation politely?

Answer 1

Stop beating around the bush. Decline politely but firmly: "thank you, but I'm not interested".

The girl doesn't want this to impact her career goals as she's just joined in this company and he's established in the senior management.

Declining a social invitation shouldn't impact on anyone's career goals. I'm not quite that naive as to believe that's true with every manager and every workplace, but I'd start with that belief until it's proved to be wrong.

Answer 2

Being assertive without being aggressive is difficult, but so worth achieving.

Him: "Would you like to join me for coffee this weekend?"

Her: "No thank you."

No need to give a reason. No reason to be unpleasant (or to be unnecessarily pleasant, for that matter). Just a neutral "no thank you".

If he asks again next weekend, it's still "no thank you". He should get the hint after a few times.

If he pushes - e.g. "why not?" The answer is "I'd just rather not."

The point is to give no room for argument; nothing to hang an argument (or a hope) on. You can't really argue with "no thank you" or "I'd rather not".

There's no need to be rude.

As others have mentioned, if he goes any farther he is definitely in harassment territory, and it's time to explore options in that direction. But a clear, simple "no thanks, I'd rather not" is worth a try first.

Answer 3

This is a sticky situation.

First. let's be clear. Are you sure it's a date? As a manager or a senior, I would invite juniors out to lunch as team building. A kind of, look, I'm not in charge here, let's just have a conversation. It works well. It's always good to be friendly at work.

It's also not uncommon for a senior member to ask a junior out to something simple like lunch or coffee to get an "under the table" opinion. Especially if that person is doing very well or very poorly, or maybe the person is doing very good in all areas except one.

Again I have personally used lunch to say to a junior something like, "Your doing fantastic at these tasks, you could really get the promotion that is coming up this fall when Bar retires, but you gotta play nice with Baz. They don't like you, and they will stand in the way. I suggest you do xyz."

Now that said, "weekend" is a big red flag. So she has two options if she thinks this is a date and not work.

1. Say yes and invite everyone. "Sure, I'll let Foo know. It could be fun to get together after work."
2. Say yes and invite your boyfriend/husband. "Sure, I think my husband is free that afternoon. How's 3?"
3. Say no, firmly. "I don't like hanging out with work people on my days off."

All these ways allow for him to back out and save face if it is a date, and allows him to communicate if it's not a date. What should happen (in my opinion, if it's a date) is that he just cancels.

Lastly, if he keeps pressing, then stop being nice. That simple.

Answer 4

There is a great little word: "NO". Like "No, I have no interest in going out with you on the weekend “.

As a woman, she is likely accustomed to giving polite excuses. That doesn’t work with men. If she says “I can’t go out with you this weekend” he’ll take that as an invitation to ask again. If she says “no, I don’t want to go out with you”, that is a clear answer for him which clarifies the situation and saves him the pointless effort to ask her out again. So while she sees such an answer as impolite, to the man it is quite the opposite.

Again: “No, I don’t want to go out with you, not this weekend, not any other weekend. Don’t ask again.” That will do the job.

And again: To a man, that answer isn’t rude.

Answer 5

The girl is personally not interested in going out with the manager...

This is the main thing that matters from those 4 options. A polite decline the should suffice at this point in time.

Given that this is the second time, a "No", "Im sorry Im not really up for it", "Sorry I have plans this weekend" etc should do it. After 2 times hopefully he will get the hint.

If this persists then a more stern approach will be needed "No, I don't want to", "I don't see colleagues in personal time", "Im sorry but Im not interested" something along those lines. This will make it clear that you are not interested now, nor any other time while having a polite but clear tone.

"The girl doesn't want this to impact her career goals as she's just joined in this company and he's established in the senior management."

Assume that it won't, she is declining an invitation which she is well within her rights to do. If this manager is vindictive enough and not willing to accept this answer then she can raise this to HR/line manager as she has done nothing wrong be politely declining and making her intentions clear.

Answer 6

You've listed many reasons why she may not want to go out with him, but it's important for her to stick with the most basic. Tell him politely that she's personally not interested in him, and be done with it.

No one likes to be rejected and she'll presumably have a relationship with him going forward, so be kind and empathetic (couldn't disagree more with the answers suggesting a semi-rude response, there's simply no reason for it).

So why is it important to use this reason as opposed to one of the others you mentioned? Because things change and she could find herself in an awkward situation going forward.

Imagine telling him she doesn't want to date a superior, then having to find another excuse after a promotion. Or telling him she doesn't date coworkers, and later finding the person of her dreams who happens to work at the same company.

A combination of honesty and empathy is almost always the best policy.

Answer 7

Here's an idea, stop being polite.

Realistically in a modern job market, your friend isn't going to keep this job forever. I'd also recommend telling HR about this to document the situation. Doing this provides a way to prove that the Senior is retaliating against your friend for not "Styling" his "Do" on a coffee date. This protects your friend and puts the senior at serious risk if he does anything to your friend for not having "coffee".

This is a situation where it's 100% necessary to fight the Senior management. Just gotta know how to fight them so that their potential punishing you allows you to punish them more. If it doesn't workout, your friend can always just find another company where Seniors don't try to intimidate Juniors into dates, assuming you're in the USA.

The goal here is to prevent your friend from having to use #metoo. That's more important than being nice.

Answer 8

Ask that the coffee take place on site, in a break room or cafeteria. Don't worry about the age difference. In many places it is not unusual for management to buy coffee for junior employees to conduct a skip-level meeting. This allows management to talk to employees without the direct supervisor being in the meeting.

Of course if the manager insists that it must take place off site, and on a non-work day: Then in this case HR may be your friend. A polite question to HR about the policy would be advisable.