Is it inappropriate to help an employee outside of work?

Question

I have been known to be a compassionate person. Sometimes it overflows into my work. I'm a regular manager at a restaurant (nothing too important, just running shifts, blah blah blah), who has mostly teens working. The entire staff (including the management team) are a close group. Obviously, there are boundaries we, as management, do not cross. We don't hang outside of work for instance.

I am a young woman myself (early 20's) so relating to my employees can be a blessing and a curse.

I have a girl (freshly graduated) who told me her parents had kicked her out because she was not able to attend college right away (details aren't really important). She said she was staying at a friend's house, on the floor. While telling me this, she is crying. I had been in a similar situation right out of high school with almost no direction or help. I know her struggle. Without thinking it over, I offered to let her borrow my blow up mattress until she could buy one.

MY boss caught wind of our exchange and told me it was inappropriate to offer outside help because we are the bosses and she is an employee. That's it. As if the conversation should have ended with me saying, "oh sorry, that sucks. Good luck."

Do you think what I did was okay or is my boss right and it was inappropriate?

Answer 1

I offered to let her borrow my blow up mattress until she could buy one.

MY boss caught wind of our exchange and told me it was innapropriate to offer outside help because we are the bosses and she is an employee. That's it. As if the conversation should have ended with me saying, "oh sorry, that sucks. Good luck."

Do you think what I did was okay or is my boss right and it was innapropriate?

Your boss is an idiot.

I think what you did was completely appropriate and compassionate. And I think you may have increased the appreciation and loyalty of that employee significantly.

People have work lives and home lives. They always intertwine.

As bosses, we need to primarily consider the company's needs first. But that doesn't mean we can't help with our employee's needs as well. I've done similar things many times. Borrowing a blow up mattress should in no way interfere with work, your relationship with your employees, or your relationship with your boss.

It might be an issue if you were loaning out company property. But the air mattress is yours to do with it whatever you choose.

Now you know that your boss would never go out of his way to help you. Don't use him as a role model for being a good boss yourself. And tread lightly with him in the future. When you are kind to your team members, try to make sure he doesn't catch wind of it.

Answer 2

While it's true that you shouldn't breach the line between private and professional interactions, I think borrowing a blow up mattress is not something too personal.

To make it clear to your boss that you didn't intent to breach the professional-personal-line, you could argue that your help was only intended to keep your employees healthy and in working order.

Anyone crying during work has some serious problem and is not 100% fit to work. Anyone kicked out by their parents and sleeping on the floor might catch any number of health issues (from simple cold to joint aches to severe psychological issues like burn out).

So assure your boss that you only want the best for your employees to keep them healthy and in best working order. That sounds like exploiting, but it seems to be exactly what you boss wants to hear.

If your boss askes you why you helped your employee, you should answer something like "Because I care for all my employees." Period.

If he digs deeper, you might add "I care for the health and well-being of all of them and lending an inexpensive item for temporary use was just a small act of kindness."

Don't make it about one particular person and don't disclose the current situation of your young employee to him.

Answer 3

Yes - you may have crossed the line ... had you got the company to buy the blow up mattress, but it was your personal one; and the company is not at liberty to say who you can or can not be friends with, nor who you can lend your own personal items to. There is no group in the world who would consider this a bribe or gift since you're lending the mattress, and you're not in a position to get anything back from her.

I would firstly ask your boss how he thinks you should've resolved the situation - and if the answer is ultimately that he wouldn't; I would ask your boss if the company enforcing who you can be friends with, or what you do in your personal life is breaching professional conduct.

I would also do some soul searching yourself - is this a person you want to work for?

Answer 4

It could very well be possible that your boss misunderstood what was said, and believed that the employee was borrowing a blow up bed to be slept in at your house. Meaning that the teenage employee would be sleeping at your house. You may have misunderstood their reaction.

If he caught you saying: "Yeah you can borrow a bed. Come over anytime." but missed the context that it was a blow-up bed, and the visit was to collect it, it's easy to understand the reaction.

To paint a picture, if it was a young vulnerable female employee, and an older male manager we, as a society, would probably react the same way if we misinterpreted the situation in this manner.

The best course of action would be to apologize to your boss, and ensure you both have a reasonable understanding of the situation. If your boss has concerns around the employee being held to a lower standard while at work, you can simply allay those fears but confirming that you will hold the employee to the same standards as others.

Answer 5

My boss ... told me it was inappropriate to offer outside help because we are the bosses and she is an employee

That can be interpreted in a lot of different ways, anywhere between two extremes of actually being forbidden by company policy, all the way to being an entirely private, personal opinion of your boss about how social relationships in the workplace ought to work.

Don't try to guess what your boss meant. The only way to proceed is to politely ask:

Why is a boss offering help to an employee outside of work inappropriate?

And potentially repeat the question until concrete reasons are given and there is no room left for interpretation. At that point, you should have a pretty solid answer to your question.

Depending upon that answer, and your own personal code of morals and ethics, you can then take a decision about whether this is a company, and/or boss, you are happy working for.

Answer 6

A point I didn't see anyone else bring up, in this level of detail at least:

Your boss may be concerned about your future interactions with the employee. In particular, what if the mattress isn't returned?

• You could allow a personal issue between you and the employee to impact your evaluation of the employee's performance negatively.
• If you wound up in a position where you had to fire the employee, you could:
  • postpone the firing until you can try to get the mattress back, or
  • feel it necessary to discuss getting the mattress back as a part of the firing, which could confuse things, and could even make the (ex-)employee feel like she was fired because she didn't give back the mattress - which could lead to a lawsuit against not just you, but the company.

It's possible your boss has seen similar situations unravel and become problems for the workplace in general.

[Aside: While I know workplaces are not families, you may want to treat such situations as you would if the same thing was happening with a family member. I dearly love my son, and have been willing to loan him things (mostly money) over the years. And, I do expect him to pay me back (eventually). That said, I don't loan him anything if I'd be overly disappointed to never get it back.]

I agree that you should ask the boss exactly what they meant, if nothing else to make sure you aren't violating any company policies, and understand where the line for such things is (if you don't already).

Answer 7

In general, this is a delicate topic, going in the realms of power abuse or even legal issues (corruption).

In your particular case, you did perfectly well. There was another human in dire need, you helped her in a way that was quite appropriate (i.e., you gave her some object which fixed her problem, but did not enable her to do anything bad with it - i.e. you didn't give her a gun or drugs or a big lump of money etc.). While reading, I was afraid that you offered her to sleep at your house or at a back room at work, but you did not do that either. You did not give her anything of high value which would give you power over her. You likely would have done the same for everybody else, but are in no position to do so anyways because your store of spare mattresses is probably limited.

The only ethical dilemma could arise if, at some point in time you are asking for favours with the clear though of the mattress in your mind; or if your now-employee would need to make a decision which somehow impacts you, and then decides solely in your favour because you gave her the mattress, in a shady way... which, try as I might, simply can see no possible scenario for.

One thing not quite related to your question: when I do things like this (i.e., help others out with items), I usually make it a big point to give gifts, not loans, because that removes any chance of this being construed as getting power over the other person. "Here, take this old mattress. You can keep it if you like, or give it back if you don't need it anymore, up to you." But this is not a criticism, just my personal preference.

Answer 8

You are doing the right thing regardless of the consequences.

First, this teen should be at least 18 otherwise you should let her parents know you are helping her.

Second, other employees won't be jealous because you helped a coworker who was homeless. Teenagers know kindness when they see it and, unless it's in a hard neighborhood, they won't punish you for it.

Third, you are in the hospitality business. I don't think I would want to eat food from a place run like it was a regiment of the Marines where compassion is discouraged. This is a restaurant. You feed people. You give sustenance and comfort. You guys don't hang out together? It's a restaurant for goodness sake. What do they make the cakes with fake sugar? Keep doing what you are doing. The world and your restaurant need more people like you.

Answer 9

This is solely dependent on your cultural background and the company culture.

If the company treats employees as human resources, pun intended, your boss was "right" and you acted inappropriately.

On the other hand, as @Heinzi commented under the question, if the company follows "the employees take care of your business, and you take care of your employees" motto you did exactly that and you were right. Your boss acted inappropriately.

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You saw a teen in a need and you personally had been teen in need as well. A lot of people cannot understand why I am (trying to be) nice to shop assistants (I used to be one years ago). Your boss might misinterpreted your words and don't have same teen-in-need expirience. You can discuss with them this topic to see theri POW and explaint them yours.

Another issues mentioned here:

• Doing something for favour expecting "favour" in return is, in my eyes, sick. If I ask someone for a favour in return I still expect it may be rejected. If someone did a favour for me, I personally feel obliged to do a favour in return.

• Favouritism and possibly jealous colleagues. You helped a teen so they does not need to sleep on floor and can have softer, warmer and drier place to sleep. Anoyone jealous about not-recieving such help or argumenting you helped TINa and not me, has social skills comparable to a rock.

Answer 10

Boss is right.

Although his reaction seems extreme, cold, and unsympathetic, I believe this is probably a case of "nip in the bud." The problem is how does the relationship evolve, how does it affect morale (preferential treatment or the appearance of preferential treatment), and what are the consequences.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with helping someone, possible consequences are: what happens when she pops your air mattress? Do you attempt to recover the lost money? She can't afford rent, how can she afford to buy a $100 replacement air mattress? After a month of non-repayment, do you now resent her? Does that effect your treatment of her in the workplace?

Maybe you are content with taking the loss, but the boss doesn't know that. And he doesn't want to deal with future issues--maybe their car broke down so now you feel compelled to loan your other one; maybe they got kicked out of their friends house, so now they're sleeping in your living room.

Obviously relationships require leeway and judgement, even professional ones, but your boss is simply erring on the side of caution. From the organization perspective he is correct.

Answer 11

@FlashMom Your boss wants to create the idea that management is aloof and unconcerned with employees' needs -- outside of the strict labor-for-wages relationship, naturally. By only approaching them as a manager, not as a concerned fellow human being, the two of you maintain an air of authority. (See the works of Fein and Schneider for more information.)

One concern at any workplace is getting the "end effector" employees to do as they're told -- without substituting their own vision of what ought to be done. Not to say the managers are always right. But they are always in charge, and they always want to stay that way. (Your boss is telling you to take that attitude with the employee, and in telling you so, is taking that attitude with you.)

It's true, by helping out in this small way, you are making it possible for the employee to be in good shape to work when she shows up. But you must appease your boss. Tell him you won't do it again, and then don't. (Be true to this in thought, word, and deed for at least a few months. Then you can help out again, if you want to, just don't let him find out.)

I was burned out of my living quarters many years ago. The company I worked for let me stay at the nearby corporate apartment until I could find a new place. But this was a favor from the corporation itself (a name anybody would recognize) rather than from an individual in the company.

Answer 12

The problem, as your boss sees it, is that you as a manager gave a benefit to an employee that other employees didn't receive. Now other employees may ask for similar help, and if they also don't receive what they believe they should be given they will complain.

Your boss wants to keep the peace with all the other employees, and your actions while noble open the company up to potential morale issues for the rest of the employees.

Your obligation to the company is to let them know when an employee is facing issues that might impact their ability to make shifts, or to remain employed. Then you ask your management what can be done. Options could include helping them find sources of assistance that don't require your employer directly helping.

in your question you explain:

Obviously, there are boundaries we, as management, do not cross. We don't hang outside of work for instance

This is another boundary. You reached into your pocket and provided help. You avoid hanging out with employees outside of work, even if you are spending your own money because you don't want to show favoritism. That describes what you did here. It was noble but now your boss has to handle the potential impact.

The relationship between the two people involved is boss to employee, any benefit given from a boss to an employee that doesn't follow corporate rules can be seen as showing favoritism. Your boss wants to avoid that.

If have seen cases where managers were fired because of this type of favoritism. They couldn't maintain order if other employees saw this favoritism.