How to deal with an annoying personal quirk

Question

I have been working with a very intelligent fellow (my grad-school classmate, we got hired around the same time). We are both very technical (electrical engineering design) and while I have been entirely focusing on being the lead engineer and getting projects done, he has been picking up some of the managerial tasks.

In any case, while he is familiar with most aspects of the projects I have been working on and he is the one who tends to communicate with our customers, some of his behavior has been very annoying to me and I am looking for a way of dealing with it.

For example, a customer comes for a facility visit and is curious about the actual algorithms I used to implement some motor controller schemes. It's just the customer, my coworker, and me in the room. The customer would actually like to understand both the implementation and concept of the design that I put together but my fellow worker starts readily explaining the theoretical concepts without giving me a chance to open my mouth. I like to voice my opinion and would not classify myself as being on the quiet side. Unfortunately, the fellow has that kind of voice and tone that makes my brain literally freeze. Of course, he does know what he is talking about but I think I should be the one explaining the algorithms since I am most familiar with their actual implementation.

I am a little bit lost - he is a nice, chatty, and smart guy and we make a good technical team but this behavior has been getting on my nerves.

For the record, I am very happy where I am and don't want to be the manager. I suspect my teammate does not know himself how much should be said by him or by me. There was no clear strategy defined for that particular meeting.

What would be the best way to tackle this issue?

Answer 1

I think that you need to be brave and outspoken. I know one of my friends similar to you. More importantnly, I think that you should be more open with your teammate -- freely sharing your thoughts etc. May be it is difficult for some people. However, there is no wrong in trying.

Basically I am trying to say is that you should try to see a friend in him along with respecting him as a teammate (professional). You can take him for coffee or have lunch together (more frequently). Try to be more open with him. I think that if he is a nice guy then definitely he will also see a friend in you and you won't face any problems. You both will become a great team. In dealing with customers, you guys discuss your roles and share the future discussions according to the roles. See his progress along with giving importance to yours. Everything will be fine at the end. I know that it is not easy, but be positive.

Answer 2

1. Walk away.

If you have a tendency to lose your temper when attacked, this will be tough. But responding in anger can only make the situation worse. Tell the person that "I'm not going to be talked to this way. We do need to talk, but I will talk to you about this privately later."

2. Focus on yourself.

When this occurs, focus to stay calm by breathing in through your mouth and out through your nose. Jodi R.R. Smith, an etiquette expert says: "Imagine the words bouncing off of you and rolling onto the floor. Visualize this person as a toddler having an all out tantrum. When they run out of steam, ask: 'Is there anything else?'"

3. Be prepared.

Have something prepared to say back to the person.

• "My mind wandered for the past couple of minutes. Could you repeat what you said?"
• "You seem either angry, frustrated or at least disappointed in me. Tell what you'd like me to do differently that's reasonable and fair to both of us, and I'd be happy to do it. If you can't come up with something, it seems to me that you may want to just stay angry at me rather than make it better. That's not acceptable to me."
• "I can't hear what you're saying when you speak to me in that voice. Please speak in a normal tone of voice so I can start listening."
• "Do you really believe what you just said?"

4. Consider the source.

What occurred with this person has probably been triggered by something going on in the attacker's life. It can be a result of many different things, including stress from an unpaid mortgage to personal problems to mental illness. And sometimes it happens because the person doesn't know not to do it.

5. Become a better person.

As hard as it may be to accept, any disturbing behavior that you observe in another is a reflection of what you yourself have done - maybe not to the same degree or in the exact same form, but if you examine your own conduct, you will see that you have behaved similarly, perhaps toward family members, perhaps toward yourself.