Offensive language/behavior from co-worker in online game

Question

I am a fresh-out-of-college student and a huge gamer. I recently got a job towards the end of this summer and met my team, which consists of a number of people who are in their late 50s.

As I am a huge gamer, I just go home after work and play online games or watch people play. I decided to play this one particular game and watch a stream of it at the same time (I have two monitors and only really pay attention when I am in queue). As I am searching for streams to view, I end up finding the most senior member of my team streaming.

Of course, being the idiot I am, track his game down and join it. I then proceed to single him out and destroy him in the game since I am a lot better than he is. Each time, he gets more visibly mad, which causes me to continue until he starts a very specific sexist and racial rant against me based on my username. What I thought was harmless fun ended up showing me his true colors.

I'll end up seeing him this coming Monday and would like to know if I should let HR know about this story or tell him that I found his behavior extremely offensive (though I won't say it was me who did that to him).

I would also like to clarify that his stream is one of the streams where you can see the person in addition to the game.

Answer 1

What I thought was harmless fun ended up showing me his true colors.

I would think very hard about whether this really showed his true colors.

• You tracked him down/stalked him.
• Singled him out to destroy his fun

When you are fresh out of college you may not know this, but spare time is valuable when you have a job. It's no longer this always available commodity that you can throw away. So you really destroyed something valuable with your deliberate actions.

If you came to me and said you took deliberate actions against somebody to destroy something valuable and in response he used offensive words... I don't know, I find the destructive acts way more telling of immature and probably harmful character than anything he might have uttered at the heat of the moment when being unfairly singled out.

My advice if you want to stay in the workforce: stop this behavior and never tell anybody what you did that day. Just hope nobody ever finds out.

Answer 2

Honestly in my opinion if he's not behaving that way at work, it's none of your (or HR's) business. I think it's as simple as that.

Lots of people will curse and shout at home, but at work they put on their professional hat. Unless they're publicly and visibly representing a company there's no problem there.

Answer 3

As a gamer of more than 20 years, your behavior is abhorrent, and a shining example of what types of behaviors toxic people/players exhibit; the type that should be purged from the community.

tl;dr

No, you should not bring this to HR. You should not bring this to anybody.

---

Why:

You didn't mention whether or not the name or logo of the company was displayed during the stream, so I feel safe in my assumption that it wasn't. At that point, HR probably doesn't care. Telling them any of this will only direct the spotlight on you. A senior colleague, who said some things that could cause offense while being harassed, is probably a lot more forgivable than a new employee, just out of college, going out of their way to harass a senior colleague, that they just met.

Let me try to pick this apart.

As I am searching for streams to view, I end up finding the most senior member of my team streaming.

This could have been a great source of camaraderie between you too. But you blew it. I don't believe that you can even mention that you play the game now, without slipping up and telling him something about the match you were harassing him in, which will make it very easy to identify you as the harasser.

Of course, being the idiot I am, track his game down and join it. I then proceed to single him out and destroy him in the game since I am a lot better than he is.

No, you weren't being an idiot. Idiots don't know what they're doing. You were being a troll and trolls know exactly what they're doing.

You singled out your coworker, in a game that he probably enjoyed playing, and harassed him. I've said harass a few times now, some people might think it's being too harsh, or using the wrong word. I'll just refer to this bit here

I then proceed to single him out and destroy him in the game since I am a lot better than he is.

Emphasis mine.

Each time, he gets more visibly mad, which causes me to continue...

So you've been watching and harassing this guy for long enough to see that your actions are making him visibly mad; and that causes you to continue harassing him? Why would you continue a pattern of behavior, that is making your senior colleague visibly mad?

The only answer I can consider to be true, is that it was your intention all along to see how far you could push him.

...until he starts a very specific sexist and racial rant against me based on my username. What I thought was harmless fun ended up showing me his true colors.

Not that I particularly care for the answer, but how could you consider anything that you did to be harmless fun? At each and every step, you have done the wrong thing.

You've harassed this guy, to the point that he probably (fairly, I might add) felt that he was being personally attacked, and now you're "offended" when he personally attacked you? It "offended" you so much, that now you're trying to punish him for his comments by bringing it to HR?

I found his behavior extremely offensive

I don't know if I'd be able to find his behavior more offensive than yours. Especially not "extremely".

When people are being harassed and their heart rate is high, and they're stressed, and they've got that fight-or-flight mechanism kicking in, and the harassment does not stop, they'll probably say things they don't mean.

They'll probably think that all of the other tools at their disposal have failed (because they have) but the situation is not getting better. The antagonist hasn't stopped. What other things are left that could stop the antagonist? When you're under that pressure "offend the antagonist" probably doesn't sound too bad.

I only hope that your coworker finds enjoyment in the game still.

Answer 4

If you want to report this behaviour, then use the in-game/platform abuse reporting tools and leave it at that.

Separate this incident from the workplace and do whatever you would do if you saw this guy online and didn't know him:

Report and block/ignore

Taking this into the workplace will only create ongoing problems in real life. Unless this guy abuses you in the workplace, then there's not much you can do about it.

Also, take a look at what you did there. You recognized him, tracked him down and systematically pounded at him, destroying his enjoyment of the game and embarrassing him in front of his viewers. This in effect is a form of abuse in itself. You could have played this incident in a more constructive, enjoyable manner for the both of you and built a friendship rather than a rift.

Answer 5

I'll end up seeing him this coming Monday and would like to know if I should let HR know about this story or tell him that I found his behavior extremely offensive ( though I won't say it was me who did that to him ).

I can't imagine how whining to HR "We were playing a game and he was mean to me" could be a good thing for your career.

And do you really imagine that telling only one side of the story will end well? Certainly the other side will come out.

Lay low and avoid this team member, or be a grown up and apologize for intentionally antagonizing him. He might even apologize in return.

Either way, it might be time to mature a bit, stop being an "idiot that I am".

What I thought was harmless fun ended up showing me his true colors.

It seems like you both revealed some true colors. If this is your idea of harmless fun, you might want to think more carefully.

Answer 6

In my opinion, you were the one that behaved in a very toxic way. As other posters already stated, when having a full-time job and maybe a family, you no longer have that much time to spend on your hobbies as you had during college. He probably did not spend as much time in the game as you.

You, on the other hand, are a new employee and behaved, drastically spoken, sadistic when you streamsniped him and to some extend bullied him when you focused on "destroying him". If I were the HR rep and someone new came to me with a story as you presented us here, I would probably evaluate how to proceed with you and not with the long-term employee...

Why don't you use your experience in the game to help him become better at it? You can talk to him during lunch break about the game so you have something in common or even play together. I always find it hard to find a common point with much older coworkers but here you have the same hobby and if he streams he is probably a huge gamer as well.

Take this opportunity, turn it into an advantage and make yourself a friend at work and as he is a senior, exchange your knowledge.

Answer 7

Two Wrongs

You both did something wrong.

[...] I end up finding the most senior member of my team streaming. Of course, being the idiot I am, track his game down and join it. I then proceed to single him out and destroy him in the game since I am a lot better than he is. Each time, he gets more visibly mad, which causes me to continue [...]

That's griefing and borderline stalking to boot. Not cool. Very stupid. Be glad he (apparently) didn't recognise you. Don't do it again.

[...] he starts a very specific sexist and racial rant against me based on my username. What I thought was harmless fun ended up showing me his true colors.

Yes, yes it did. Keep that in the back of your mind when dealing with him in the future. That is — unfortunately — about all you can do.

And No Rights

I'll end up seeing him this coming Monday and would like to know if I should let HR know about this story or tell him that I found his behavior extremely offensive ( though I won't say it was me who did that to him ).

No. No. HR is not your friend.

HR's primary goal is to keep the company happy; not to keep individual employees happy or to mete out justice. They will only do so if it serves their primary goal.
In this case, there's a conflict between a new hire and a senior team member. Unless it will somehow damage the company, any outcome will likely be in favour of the senior member.

Besides, this happened outside of your work, and even though it happened with a co-worker, he didn't know he was dealing with a co-worker. This is not a workplace conflict; don't turn it into one.

I can see why you're upset, especially if the sex and race he perceived from your username actually hit home. If you want to, file a report with the streaming service or the party hosting the game. Be warned though that especially the latter may find you guilty of griefing and take action against you as well.

Also take care to find out how anonymous the reporting process is.

Bottom Line

You've found out an uncomfortable truth about a co-worker. The way you found it out leaves you little opportunity to act upon it.

He may reveal his true colours some other time; be prepared then. But the current circumstances give you little room to act and no recourse through HR.

Answer 8

Maybe don't play with him anymore if he's upsetting you that much. Taking this up with HR is a rather juvenile thing to do and almost certainly won't go anywhere other than making a name for you in the company as a trouble maker.

As mentioned nothing will be done about it unless the guy is playing with a gamertag like "JohnDoeFromAbcSoftware".

Answer 9

The rules around this sort of thing will vary depending on where you are, and whether your company has a code of conduct that covers employee behaviour outside the workplace.

In general, employers are more likely to discipline employees for behaviour outside the workplace if some of the following conditions are met:

• The person was easily identifiable as their employee (e.g. their profile or username mentions who they work for)
• The behaviour raises doubts about their ability to do their job (e.g. an animal welfare officer who mistreats animals)
• The behaviour is extreme enough to provoke public outrage that could be harmful to the employers (nobody wants to have protesters lining up outside their office).

Unless your employer is particularly attentive to issues of racism/sexism, or they have a code of conduct that encompasses this sort of behaviour, it's unlikely that you'll get a lot of joy out of HR. The fact that you sought him out on this platform is not going to help you here.

You might consider dealing with his behaviour through whatever in-game abuse reporting mechanisms exist. This won't solve the problem of having to work with a bigot, but it avoids the risk of blowback to yourself (assuming your username isn't recognisable) and the game admins are more likely to have access to the info needed to investigate this case.

Answer 10

I think you read some comments about your behaviour, which I found quite well deserved. But what should you do? You have basically two choices:

1. Be quiet and hope that nobody finds out about it, because it won't end good for you. (Why? Because he can single you out and destroy you in the workplace, if he chooses to do so.)

2. Do the grown-up thing, go to your colleague, and apologise for your actions.

The latter is probably a lot better. It's one thing to make a mistake, it's another thing to own up to it. Everyone makes mistakes. Owning up and fixing a mistake gets you major bonus points. You might even get an apology back for the insults.

Answer 11

Instead of reporting this to the HR on the company you are working with, just report him to the stream site and to the game. As far as I know, he doesn't violated any rules in the company you are working with, UNLESS there are company policies that you guys have to follow, like when people in a certain company is employed, and they tweeted racial tweets, and their boss or company finds about it, then kicks them out of the job.

But you know, I really do think you are the biggest contributory factor here, humans you see, just like other living organisms has what we called defense mechanisms, and just remember that in every action there is an opposite reaction. You, intentionally made him angry, so basically being angry is sometimes makes people unreasonable.

Answer 12

Whenever you prepare to bring a third party with actual powers to resolve conflict, like HR or your bosses boss or a regulatory body or police or courts or any one or anything, you should always ask yourself what you hope to achieve? What's your best outcome?

Because HR is not your friend. But really that's just a specific form of people in power are not your friend, they are friends to themselves first. If they find you uncomfortable or dangerous to their goals, they will not hesitate to use anything you say against you, (And a good apologist can truly use anything you say against you) while totally ignoring any "wrongs" the other party has committed a long as they aren't a danger to the people in power.

I don't think you have anything to gain here. You don't have a best outcome. You have one hearsay of an off hours stream where a coworker said bad things after being systematically provoked by a harassing troll.

If racism and sexism becomes a pattern that you and other coworkers notice, then you should collectively bring this to the attention of management/HR.

Until then you should watch your own behavior. If this had happened in any other context than an online game, you would at least have a restraining order if not find yourself in court.

(I'd also be willing to wager you're the type of personality that If this happened to you, you would have more than a few savory words of your own for your attacker.)

Answer 13

Short answer:

• No. You cannot go to HR about this. This encounter was not in a professional setting.

What you can do:

• Report him to Twitch for his "racial and sexist rants" on his stream

Why you shouldn't:

• You violated Twitch's TOS by watching his stream, and stalking him in-game. Also, you're cheating

What you should do:

• Leave your colleague alone, both at work and in-game
• Stop cheating
• HR is not your mommy

Answer 14

I don't see what your employers HR has to do with this.

From what you told us I assume neither of you were identifying yourselves as working for the company, not even logged in with your real names.

So this is private time.
You were on a public server so they have their own guidelines. You could take it up with them.

However, for you to complain about him after how you behaved is unethical.

Or do you want to not only stream snipe but also character assassinate him and possibly getting him fired for good measure ?!
You're abusing codes of conduct laid out in good faith to avoid harassment and hate speech.

You were actually the one harassing and you'd be exactly who people complain about citing rampant political correctness and witch hunts.

Answer 15

So long as you are prepared for the potential negative consequences to your own career here then you should call him out on his behaviour but without involving HR, here is why:

I get why you want to go to HR, he's done something you find considerably offensive and you don't think someone with such an attitude should be associated with the company. The fact he wasn't acting as a representative of the company / showing any company branding at the time is immaterial, it is the act that is the issue and what you feel that indicates of him as a person.

However, I don't think the situation you've described is strong enough to warrant HR involvement (or any form of work involvement for that matter).

Consider these points and see if you see it in a different light:

• The situation you've described sounds more like a sudden outburst of anger that took on the ugly face of racism and sexism based on the little information he had available to insult you with. If you had saw him at a Neo-Nazi march in town then I'd be inclined to agree that you should inform your work as well. People with such deep rooted hate are not people I'd want to associate with or work with either. Even if they show no outward signs of their hate at work such deep beliefs will affect their decision making process and lead to discrimination, even if it is well hidden. However, even though this is still racist and sexist, we need to acknowledge it is not that.

• You did not see his "true colours" as he was playing an online game streaming to an audience. Hence you saw the persona he puts on for the stream. Hear me out on this, I'm not using it as an excuse to get away with any behaviour we want to but we all put on different personas for different places, I'm a very different person when at work, at home with the kids or at the pub with friends and being a steamer just adds one more place for one more persona. These personas can vary quite drastically from my 'true person' and I dare say being online steaming to strangers has the potential to be the furthest of them all (to point of it more being 'acting' than being 'him').

• It's common for streamers to widely over-react to positive and negative situations in game. As a gamer I imagine you are aware of this but perhaps the nature of it and it being targeted overshadowed this. But keep in mind, similar to the persona point above, his excessive overreaction on stream doesn't mean this is how they would in react in everyday life, especially in work situations.

• He was under duress. Sure, in an ideal world we'd all be model citizens all of the time, but we live in the real world, not the ideal one and when people are put under considerable stress they make poor calls. You might be tempted to go to HR or management because of this, after all you don't want him flipping out at the clients / colleagues if things get stressful at work, but I think most professionals know to react differently to work stress and 'getting repeatedly pwned by l33t playerz while streaming' stress.

These are the things that make me think you shouldn't involve HR but they are not excuses for his behaviour and I still think you should call him out on it!

Although I think sexist and racist behaviour should be challenged I acknowledge the real world risks associated with doing so. So with this in mind here is a quick disclaimer that depending on how your colleague reacts this could well be 'career suicide' so gauge it based on how important you feel it is to stand up to this instance of the behaviour and your preparedness to deal with whatever fallout comes your way. If you don't want the aggravation of the consequences I don't think you'll be doing the world a great disservice to wait and see if this is a pattern of behaviour that happens offline as well.

Assuming you are happy to, and want to challenge it here is how I propose doing so. I'm suggesting this based on the idea that if he is a gamer as well, once he's over the initial shock / anger at finding out it was you that kicked his ass he'll likely see the funny side as well. This is based on my belief that what you did you didn't do to be vindictive or malicious in the first place and that you've given him no sign of this, you just did it because you were bored, you could, and you figured it would be kinda funny.

• Next time you see him tell him you have a confession to make but that you'd rather do it in private (make sure to do this in private as you've already embarrassed him and we don't want to do it again):

You - So, see at the weekend, I'm afraid that was me kicking your ass on PUBG...

Him - What, really!? When?

You - Saturday night, I was flicking through the streams on Twitch and I recognised you right away.

Him - Wow, that was you?!?

• Apologise for messing up his game / stream. Even if you don't feel like you owe him an apology do it anyway. Yes, you were just playing the game, but you were also doing it in a rather unsportsmanlike way and possibly ruined his evening so an apology will go a long way here. Also, it'll help smooth things over and it is better if you are on a 'level footing' for the next step (currently you have 'one over' on him, by apologising we attempt to mitigate that):

You - Yeah, I'm sorry about that, I saw your face appear in my stream and I just had to drop in! I've been playing for years so have gotten pretty good but I should have just said hey or played a few rounds or something, there was no need for me to push it as far as I did though.

Him - Yeah, you were really kicking my ass, it was pretty shitty to keep seeking me out...

• Acknowledge it and call him out on his response to it at the same time. By doing so you can gauge how he feels about his outburst and also give him a chance to justify himself if he feels he needs to, or better yet, apologise now that he knows it was you:

You - Yeah, it was a poor call on my part and I'm sorry, but what was all that sexist racist abuse about at the end? I was really surprised to hear that come from you?

Him - Yeah, I know man, I'm really sorry I completed lost it and crossed the line...

Or maybe - What that? Oh that wasn't serious, it's just part of the stream I do for the viewers, they love it when I explode at people...

Or maybe even - Well what do you expect, you were being a complete ass...

And then how you respond to his response is completely up to you:

• If he gives a positive response and you feel it is valid you could use this encounter to strike up a friendship and put the incident in the past. Perhaps you could even play online together again, although maybe some co-op to start with.
• If you feel his response isn't valid then you could distance yourself from him personally and professionally, or if your work depends on it then just personally.

However, whatever you decide to do, I wouldn't involve HR.