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We have an online group to discuss stuff we work on. There are multiple people in that group; those people are located in multiple countries. I asked a question there. A coworker (from remote location) responded with something which in my opinion is an insult to my skills.

How should I deal with this situation? I won't hide that the issue is still warm and I want an official revenge / repercussions from our boss to him.

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    Could you elaborate on STH?
    – Twyxz
    Oct 18, 2018 at 7:42
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    @Twyxz it's usually "something".
    – AakashM
    Oct 18, 2018 at 8:07
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    was the insult justified? I've insinuated lack of skills, honesty and work ethic to lots of people in meetings both online and in person, so long as it's justified they have little comeback except bluster.
    – Kilisi
    Oct 18, 2018 at 11:15
  • of course it was not justified, I read it as trying to find release after some personal failure and I was there Oct 18, 2018 at 13:34
  • Could there be a culture or language barrier causing you to perceive his response as an insult? Some countries are very direct when they speak and it may be perceived as insulting. Vice versa, a non-english person may feel insulted by some common saying. I think you should list countries and exactly what the "insult" was.
    – Dan
    Oct 19, 2018 at 13:46

3 Answers 3

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You need to identify the objective severity of the insult. Being called names, compared to animals, sworn upon, etc. - these would be severe insults, that should be reported to the management.The responsibility of every adequate management is to not allow such insults. You should also address such insults immediately by politely pointing out that the comment is unworthy, unprofessional, and insulting. You don't want to insult anyone back, because you want to be professional. Also, public insults should be addressed publically. A public apology should do for an early stage. If management or team tolerates direct insults against you, you are in a toxic team and should consider switching jobs. Don't pursue this path ("war-path") unless yo have really been objectively insulted.

Then, there are statements, that can be insulting, that don't contain the direct swearing or names, but that just paint a bad professional picture of you. Like, "He will break it if you allow him to touch the database." and stuff like that. For these remarks, you need to be extra careful. Here are some tips:

  • Trust your colleagues to know you and see your work to judge whether doubt about you can be bad.
  • If the comment is mistaken, counter-argue and politely state your proficiency in the matter. "Sad to hear you doubt me. I am quite experienced with databases."
  • If the comment IS true, you may want to be humble. "I am still learning databases, but I am careful enough not to do crazy things."

In any case, the general rule is that you want to react immediately, react correctly, indicate that you noted the tone, for example. "I appreciate your comment, Steve, but I do find the wording somewhat offensive".

Your philosophy is that you should be thick-skinned as not to allow the comment to set you off and ruin you, but you also must show the borders of due conduct by addressing those cases and showing that you see and guard your borders, gently, but firmly. It is also a signal to other chat members - they feel compelled to note and possibly, react. This also is a possible log to show to leadership is this escalates.

Then, there is a third type. When people are just careless, or distressed, and you are pretty sure they are not really going after you. In this case, yo may want to ignore a comment, especially if you have reasons to believe that the person is not really attacking you consistently.

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Do the same as you would do in any online exchange like this, limit your response and don't do anything to escalate the situation.

When dealing with people from other countries, you need to bear in mind that there are language and cultural differences to take into account. The other person might not have meant to be insulting, but the choice of words may not have been appropriate to your notion of what's acceptable.

So, don't read this as an outright insult; take a step back and read the meaning rather than the words and address those instead. Also look at how the rest of the group reacted.

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    this was direct insult, not insinuation, allusion or joke Oct 18, 2018 at 8:04
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    If there are multiple non-native speakers involved, you should consider the exact wording of the "insult" and people will be able to tell you what to do. The reply will be anywhere between "you got it wrong, this was not insulting in any way", to "forward it to HR and see him being fired".
    – gnasher729
    Oct 18, 2018 at 8:07
  • asking "sorry, what do you mean by that" is always an option and gives the other party room to apologize if it was a miscommunication.
    – Borgh
    Oct 18, 2018 at 9:02
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As Snow said, there's a good change of this being a language/cultural difference. You also need to take into consideration that this happened in writing.

Communicating online is difficult and there is more than one communication theory that says a huge chunk of efficient communication is nonverbal (some event went to say 93% of the meaning of a message is conveyed by nonverbal means such as body language or the tone of voice). Sure, emojis where created to help with that, but they ended being a layer of complexity in themselves.

So, suggested steps, in order:

  1. Make sure you're sure it's intentional. No cultural or language missunderstandings. No nuance that might have been lost

  2. If you still think it was intentional, contact the colleague and ask him about it. There's still a good chance it's a mistake and he'll want to apologize.

  3. Escalate, if necessary. Don't think of it in terms of revenge or punishment. That should never be a goal in itself, because it has more ways of going wrong that right. And believe me, what goes around, comes around

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