As the title above explains it all, yes, I suck at my job. Almost 2 years into my job as a system engineer for the IT department of a manufacturing firm, I can confidently do about a portion of my regular tasks by myself. Everything else is just chaos for me and my seniors.
For coding most of the time I get my code ideas online (thanks to Stack Overflow), and when needed to I can copy and paste the code to other programs since they share the same functionality. However the main problem with me is I take way too long to troubleshoot what the problem is and how to fix it. A simple program modification will take me weeks to figure out while others can get it done in a few days, or even a few hours.
As for SAP, my actual job is to help Finance users with troubleshooting. But ironically they are the ones teaching me, while I fumble around trying to make sense of the steps. Luckily the finance team is kind enough to guide me through but I always feel guilty for taking their time. I tried online guides in SAP websites, but most of them don't make any sense to me.
Even in daily meetings, when I try to listen to everything my colleagues say and list down anything that involves me. They still expect me to remember stuff they said weeks ago and all sense of context is gone in my head by then, leaving me absolutely clueless on what they want me to do.
Sometimes, they throw me a bone and re-explain it to me but most of the time they just show contempt and just tell me to figure it out myself, leaving me a self-doubting mess for the rest of the day, even after the issue is resolved after a much longer time than it should.
Sometimes when they give me a task to do, they seem to assume the worst scenario from me, as if they know I'll screw up or ask too many questions. There was even a point where one of my colleagues asked me when am I ever going to get better at my job, even when I told her before I'm still learning. The tone of annoyance in her voice makes me want to rant in her face, but I decided to keep it to myself because a) it's inappropriate and b) I'm just too depressed because deep down I know she's right. 2 years in my job and I'm still mediocre at best certainly raises questions about my competence.
Granted, I tried to learn as much as I can, even making it a point to write manuals for myself for every SAP procedures I do, place stick it notes on my monitor as a constant reminder for things to the point where its almost full. Fortunately some of it works. I can use SAP to input invoice data competently and purchasing tech items for users is fine (although following up with vendors and keeping track of all purchase progress is still a challenge, but a work in progress).
But almost 80% of it never works or have mixed results. And all my other shortcomings plus my colleagues constant complaints about me even when I'm doing the best of my efforts always leaves my mind in a dark place, feeling like I'll never please them and I'll never get better.
Sorry if this feels like I'm whining, it probably is. I just needed to know what am I doing wrong in my job after 2 years of minuscule improvements at my performance. Feel free to be brutally honest with your answers. Thanks for your time.