Coworker makes offensive comments outside office hours - should I raise this with HR?

Question

A coworker of mine has recently made a series of jokes in poor taste regarding rape - an excerpt, verbatim: "It's always the right time for a rape joke" all outside of the office/work hours. He's smart enough to know that there are certain lines he can't cross when he's at work, so he usually doesn't make inappropriate comments during work hours, but that doesn't seem to mean that he actually understands why he shouldn't make those comments.

I've called him out a little over a year ago for posting a comic that inferred rape on a company-wide slack channel, and at that time, I didn't bring it up to the level of HR mediation. His response was that I didn't know how to take a joke, and it's only when another male coworker confirmed that it was inappropriate that he took it down (I'm female). Since then, he hasn't made rape-related jokes during work hours, or at the office.

He was more in check when he initially started at our company, but as he's approaching his second anniversary, he's showing more of his colors.

Typically, his conduct comes off as passive-aggressively sexist (frequently dismissing opinions from female coworkers whereas he doesn't with male coworkers, even if their opinion turns out to be wrong), and I'm wondering if all of this is stemming from the fact that he lacks respect for women.

As these are more or less private comments he made outside of work hours, reporting it feels like I'm infringing on his privacy, but privacy isn't a clause that exonerates people from criminal activity or hate speech. He knowingly made rape jokes outside of work hours understanding the boundaries so I could take solace in knowing he won't say it at work, but I don't want to work with someone who thinks violence of any nature is comical.

Should I raise this as a flag with HR?

Answer 1

Should I raise this as a flag with HR?

That would be highly inappropriate.

Provided of course he was in a private setting, away from his work and not in any professional capacity related to his employer.

If you saw him "steal candy from a baby" would you alert HR or the police and the parents, maybe even interfere personally ?

What people do as private citizens is unrelated to their employment and the employer has no control over them or responsibilities regarding their individual actions.

If you find his private behavior or opinions distasteful you're free not to socialise with him.

If he breaks the law you should / must report it to authorities.

Answer 2

If this person offends you feel free to not hang out with them. Other than that everything else you said is highly subjective and can not be proven. It seems you are just looking for reasons to complain against this person so everything they do/say offends you. If you take this to HR the only flag raised will be against your name as a trouble maker. If this guy is doing his job and behaving himself at work there is not much more you can do.

Unless of course he's making these rape jokes in a way that can bring the company disrepute, then that is a different matter.

Answer 3

As these are more or less private comments he made outside of work hours, reporting it feels like I'm infringing on his privacy,

It depends a lot on what "more or less" means.

• if you went on a dinner with him alone and it was clear that this was a more private event between you and him, fine, just don't go out with him again.

• If this was a dinner after a company event (e.g. after a day at a conference) when there were other employees or customers present (but not necessarily listening and not necessarily on your paid time), it is a clear-cut case for HR/Your manager/team lead. I (as a team lead) personally apologized for much smaller transgressions of colleagues towards female colleagues on behalf of the company after discussing it with my manager.

• if it is a social night of your team without any official event before, then it is a little tricky. However, it it is a regular team thing with many team members regularly present, probably also a case for Manager/HR

For me the rationale behind this is: in the moment when the female employee has the choice between tolerating an unacceptable joke or doing her/his job worse or socialize less with the team in events where a significant part of the team is present as a part of the team, it becomes an issue for the company. Abusing team events, even if informal ones, to pull the dick verbally out of the pants is not acceptable. Especially if it includes joking about rape, which may actually intimidate female co-workers (independent if they were victims or not) when working with the person in question beyond that event. Even if this is just a joke, I would not want that any woman in my team has to wonder if it is safe to travel home or work late alone with the person in question, since this lack of feeling safe may create cost, obstacles in organizing and doing the work. So if a person, by violating social norms inside the team, creates obstacles to getting work done he/she works against the interests of the employer.

That is an issue for HR, especially if it is an repeated offender.

Answer 4

I would like to make a distinction here between "outside work hours" and "outside work". You don't explicitly say when he behaves the way he does, although some answers assume that this is during socializing.

Essentially, a person is "at work" whenever they are acting in their capacity as an employee of said company. For example, this may include, while working early/late voluntarily, while they are travelling for business, while making a business transaction, while on a business lunch etc.

If he says something sexist or makes rape jokes while he is "at work", it is absolutely the domain of company HR. If he does it, however, when you are explicitly socializing (i.e. Not interacting as employees), that is beyond HR's domain.

You do mention, however, that he is generally sexist in his behavior, even while at work. This is the domain of HR, but is difficult to prove. If you want to really pursue this, I suggest that you keep a record of all such instances, along with any objective proof and potential witnesses. Once you have enough, you may choose to either confront him or approach HR as necessary.

Answer 5

Absolutely complain to HR. That person is your co-worker 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can’t separate social interactions between work time and outside work time.

And it seems the kind of “jokes” he makes (which are not jokes, only bullies pretend they are) give you the right to do anything you can to stop him. Including going to HR.