My co-worker is secretly taking pictures of me

Question

I started working at my first real job (not student work) in autumn of last year. In my job there are mostly male employees. I am a (like I want to believe, good looking) female – age 25. We have two work groups and one boss, age around 60, for both. In other groups, there are few “younger” men – average age 30 maximum 35. My group has two men, we will call them Caleb and William, both about my age and one older (40s) man we will call Jeremy.

When I started working my work space was in another room. During that time I did not notice anything unusual. A couple months ago I moved into the room with my team, and after that I noticed that Jeremy is secretly taking pictures of me. I was sure of that immediately. But I was also sure that it was just a joke or a hiccup on his side, so I didn’t do anything and pretended that I didn’t see what he was doing.

But that didn’t end. He secretly continued to take pictures of me. Another of my coworkers - Caleb, has seen it too.

I really don’t know what my options are, because I bet if I expose him – when he does it, he will deny it – and all eyes will be on me – and I will be the bad guy in this situation. Because he is really respected, valued, smart and well suited.

I don’t want to lose or change job. In fact, it would be really bad if that did happen because of the other factors.

What can or should I do?

Answer 1

I disagree with these answers that suggest firmly telling him to stop.

The time to go to HR is now.

Taking surreptitious pictures of colleagues in the office is something that's never OK. It's not something that's OK as long as no one objects. This is not behavior that he didn't realize was offensive. If he didn't realize it was offensive, he wouldn't be hiding it. Furthermore, merely telling him to stop won't do anything about all the pictures he's already taken. There need to be serious consequences.

You have a witness. Go to HR and discuss it with them right away. Among other things, your colleague might be doing this to others, not just you. You could be helping more people by speaking up to HR about it.

Answer 2

That is a serious situation.

I would ask a coworker who you aren't close with to have a look at Jeremy's behavior. This way you get a more objective witness than your high school friend. Pick someone you think can handle it professionally and doesn't turn it into office gossip.

After you've got your second witness, I would confront Jeremy personally eye to eye and ask him if he's taking pictures of you and if so demand him to stop immediately. If you aren't comfortable with this confrontation, get a third person to join the conversation just for you to feel safer and more confident.

If the confrontation does not improve the situation immediately, go to HR with your two witnesses and file a complaint. HR will likely enforce strict measures, because that kind of a scandal can hurt the company if it surfaces.

To me it seems like you are dealing with this situation better than most people would and it is extremely honorable that you don't want Jeremy's life ruined. Nevertheless, his behavior is highly inappropriate and illegal, which means that if he does not stop he does deserve the consequences.

Answer 3

As others have been saying, go to HR immediately. You may consider stopping at your boss' desk to tell him where you are going and why, but don't put this in the hands of your boss. If you have an ally, take her/him with you so you have a witness of what you discussed with HR. In your conversation with HR tell them that you expect immediate action and that you will be seeking legal council if the offending behaviour continues. If you are a union member contact them and ask them for their support (guidance, legal, etc).

Document everything which has happened. Document every action you are taking. Because, unfortunately, there are still companies out there who rather sacrifice the person complaining than the person showing unacceptable behaviour.

Answer 4

This is probably a case for HR, but remember, HR represents the company's interests so you can't just run to them without demonstrating that you have a case that they can investigate. Take the same attitude and actions you would take if you were going to build a case for court. It could possibly come to that if you are not taken seriously by HR, but it also makes HR more likely to act,

Review your company's policies on employee conduct, then do the following and document every step.

1. Confront him directly about his actions. "Jeremy, I've seen you taking pictures of me. I don't like it and I want you to stop, now." Then document the discussion you had with him. Write down what you said, what he said, the date and time. You want to make sure that when you go to HR, he doesn't have the defense of "Well, she never said anything to me about it, I didn't think it was a problem."
2. Document every incident. You want to establish a pattern to bring to HR. You make a much stronger case if you can say "I told him to stop, and he kept doing it".
3. Keep evidence off-site. Back up all of your documentation and make sure it's nowhere that someone can take, alter, or destroy it.
4. When you have a pattern of his bad behavior established and documented, approach your manager first, and ask your manager if this should be escalated to HR and if it is, ask your manager to accompany you.
5. If your manager says that this does not rise to the level of an HR issue, back off, document the fact that your manager said it was not an HR issue. If it continues beyond this point, bring every incident to the attention of your manager.
6. If it does escalate to HR, bring copies of your evidence, and make sure they know that they are copies. That will show HR that you are not playing games and expect it to be addressed.
7. Document HR's response and any and all retaliatory actions taken by HR, your manager and the coworker.
8. If the behavior persists AFTER you've spoken to HR, repeat steps 6 and 7.
9. If HR does not resolve the issue, update your resume, and bring all of your evidence to a lawyer.

Finally, save your evidence. Do not destroy it ever, as issues could arise in the future, months, even years down the line. You may never need it, but it is good to have it in case you do.

As for what form the documentation should take (thank you mattdm)

Check with both the laws of your state and company policy to see if recording is allowed. If not, then his behavior is even more actionable.

If recording is allowed, make sure you have a timestamp on it so that the day and time is captured. If not, or if you don't want to record, keep a written notebook, including dates, times, and outcomes of the incidents and of the escalations. You can also write emails if it's a discussion starting with "As per our discussion, I told you today, and previously on the 8th, 12th, and 15th to stop this behavior". That way, you are reminding him that he's creating a pattern, and he'll have to either ignore the references (looks bad) or acknowledge them (more proof).

If you send emails, print them out and take copies home. You want to treat this as if it's a court case. The reason for that is that if it will stand up in court, HR is most likely not going to impede you in any way because you've just made it in the interests of the company to take care of your problem because they know if you end up going legal, and they've done nothing, they will be on the hook for it as well as Jeremy.

(If anyone can suggest further steps, please comment below)

Answer 5

His behavior is similar to a predator stalking his pray. He's just trying to see what he can get away with and soon he might escalate and even become dangerous. In the end of the day, you didn't stop him so might even think you're enjoying the attention if he's being more and more obvious about it.

This situation can also be considered workplace bullying.

You're terrified of speaking with him in private, so first thing I would do is, to say something while he's doing it in the office. Don't open a discussion with him, just be firm and direct and say something in the lines of:

Hey Jeremy, taking pictures of me makes me really uncomfortable, please stop.

Or use your own words. Even rehearse what you're going to say in front of the mirror. Afterwards, don't wait for a reply, just turn back to your computer screen and keep doing your job.

If he doesn't stop, keep record of dates and times when he's taking pictures of you.

With your records in hand go to your manager or HR and discuss your case. If your manager or HR person has even the slightest idea of the repercussions Jeremy's behavior, they will have a chat with him.

Answer 6

You could be in real danger.

If you don't have the strength to go to HR now then at least get your friend to film Jeremey positioning his camera to take pictures of your chest. This way you have hard evidence. I read above where you said you can't... find a way. At least do this one thing.

He is so respected and valued and I feel really uncomfortable in his presence even when my co-workers are there.

That is from one of your comments, and it makes you appear to be a good choice as victim.
I hope you read that carefully, because it can be taken the wrong way.
To spell it out for you: I am not saying that this is your fault, I am just pointing out that if he is a potential predator (instead of just being a world class idiot) then your feelings (your outlook) make you a more desirable target.

Don't tip him off as others suggest.
If you catch him red handed, there may be lots of photos, if you tip him off there may not be any old ones to be found ("What do you mean, that was just an accidental photo! You don't see any others do you?").

Go talk to someone from a victim's support group or an adult woman's shelter about how to approach this in your area. (Police first or HR first).

But frankly speaking I don’t even know what I would do with recordings even if I got them. I don’t want anything to change and I really want to give Jeremy another chance because he has family and good job and I don’t want him to lose all of that over taking pictures of me.

Things will change whether you do something about this or not.

He will increase what he is doing to a level you cannot stand, or you will stop him, or you'll quit.

You said he has a family you don't want to ruin - if he has a wife and is taking secret pictures of you - it isn't you that might ruin his marriage... he's already doing that by taking the pictures.

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I am a (like I want to believe, good looking) female – age 25.

No need to be modest. If you think you might be attractive, you are.

Also your breasts are appealing to men no matter what flaws you think they have (size, shape, etc.).
And I can prove that without having ever seen you... you have a slimy co-worker taking pictures of them!

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For anyone wondering why I said breasts, this paragraph was removed after my answer was posted:

He mostly took pictures of my breasts – even if I don’t have anything “to show” – like I am wearing a really big sweater with no décolleté – with turtle neck – so I don’t show anything. But that doesn’t stop him.

You can see it in the question history yourself if you know how. I happen to think this is relevant to the question because I think the sexual focus makes the action worse. I understand why others regard it as irrelevant.

Answer 7

The simple fact that you are unable to confront him, unable to have a eye to eye conversation, this alone is a strong sign of the effects of this continuous harassment you've experiencing.

No one should live under fear.

If you let this continue, it will break your strength, undermine your spirit and make you ill. You must prevent that by defending yourself.

Call HR. You don't need proof or witnesses, because you're not going to make any accusations. You will tell them about this situation and focus on how this is affecting you. This is about you. If you work in a serious company, HR will take action and do their job.

Another important point. Jeremy's success or fail depends exclusively on his actions. You're not going to ruin his career by reporting this bizarre and illegal behavior. He will. His actions will. This behavior will.

Actually you may help him and his career by reporting, because, maybe, another victim won't be so nice as you and could really bring him down through more severe means. Like the court of law.

That should give him a chance to change.

Answer 8

Pull him aside and ask him if he is taking pictures of you. Then politely tell him to stop doing that. That should be enough to make him ashamed and stop. But if he still continues after that, ask one more colleague to check if they also notice him taking pictures. Then go to HR with the two colleagues, and explain the situation. Then let HR do their job. Most likely they will put him under a short leash, or fire him on the spot. Either way, you will win.

Answer 9

You are in a bad situation, and it is not your fault. You note that "Jeremy" is "really nice", but in fact, his actual behavior shows that he is not nice at all. He is acting predatory and inappropriately. He may or may not be self-aware enough to realize this, but "nice guy" is a mask covering this, no matter his internal justification.

I am around the same age as "Jeremy". I grew up in the 1980s when a typical movie plot might involve a "nice guy" who "just doesn't know how to talk to girls" doing something like this, and in the end he would "get the girl". Even then, we knew this was smarmy even if we excused it in fiction. Now, in 2019, there's really no excuse. However, Jeremy may still in his head be living in horrible 1980s rom-com, with a lot of "poor me, I am so nice but never get rewarded with the romantic attention other men get even though they are not nice like me" resentment in his head. I don't know ­what's in his head — that's a charitable reading. The other alternative is that he's a full-on wolf in sheep's clothing.

In either case, confronting him directly is not your job — and not likely to result in the best outcome for you. You should do one or more of:

1. Talk to your company's human resources department.
2. Talk to your boss.
3. Talk to a lawyer with expertise in this area.

The third suggestion is not because you need to start a lawsuit, but because you need expert, professional help with the terrible situation this man has put you in. The other options may not get the results you really need. HR's job is to protect the company from liability, and hopefully their response will be supportive and decisive — but it may not. Your boss may react in a completely unhelpful way: you say he has been present when this has happened before, and he's done nothing. He may just be very unobservant, but he may also be complicit. So, talking to HR and your boss are the right steps, but you should be prepared for those actions to not be as helpful as they should be.

The minor good news in all of this, if we can call it that, is that we are at a moment culturally where these things are taken seriously and the tendency towards disbelief and victim-blaming at least reduced, although many of the answers and comments here show that it has not completely gone away. I wish I could promise that you'll be believed and trusted by authority figures (HR, the boss, the policy), but the fact is you may not. So, again, find a lawyer and and advocate. There may also be organizations in your area interested in supporting you. Look for those and get help!

In fact, you really need to be prepared to change employers entirely. I know that's more easily said than done (although, really, every employee of every company should have a contingency plan in mind in case something happens). But given the situation involved, it may ultimately be your only option. There are plenty of workplaces which would not put up with this. You deserve that. If you raise the issue and it turns out your current company does not have enough respect for you to make the situation right, you should go somewhere that does.

Answer 10

Either Jeremy knows this behaviour is unacceptable, or he doesn't know. This answer covers the second case, which I consider possible, because I've been there (not exactly there, but close enough, and I had a not fully developed brain). The first case (which is probably more likely) has been well covered by other answers.

I'm Aspie — I have Asperger's Syndrome — and I've done some pretty socially wrong stuff in the past. I was hiding it, not because I thought it was wrong, but because I was insecure and embarrassed and hiding most stuff. At one point, I was told by a third party that my particular behaviour was generally unacceptable, and I was told why. I am grateful of this lesson, because in a more serious environment my behaviour might have had far more serious consequences. Some of the things I'm hiding are perfectly harmless. I hope I am no longer unknowingly engaged in behaviour that is (very) wrong, and if I am, I hope that people will tell me and not assume that I obviously know, because not everybody understands what to most is obvious.

Ask Caleb to talk with Jeremy, and to explain to him that this behaviour is unacceptable, offensive, deeply problematic, etc., and that Jeremy must stop this now and delete any photos he has taken. Even better would be to ask a friend of Jeremy if available. It is possible that Jeremy has a social disorder such as Asperger's, that he really doesn't know what he's doing is wrong. This is related to Asperger's, because it is related to understanding unwritten rules and to theory of mind. By asking Caleb, you are doing three (groups of) people a favour:

• You are doing yourself a favour, because it can't be easy to talk with Jeremy, and I suspect it's not easy to talk about this to HR either.
• You are doing all potential other victims a favour! I've sometimes done inappropriate things to x and y, when x asked me to stop I still continued to do it to y, after all y had not asked me to stop and, in my interpretation, x had just expressed a personal preference. But when a third party explained to me that this behaviour is generally unacceptable, I (ultimately) accepted this and stopped. Caleb (or even better, a friend of Jeremy) can explain that it has nothing to do with you or your personal preference, but that Jeremy is violating a universal social rule. If Jeremy indeed doesn't know and stops when he knows it's wrong, that may also help present or future victims of his behaviour.
• You're also doing Jeremy a favour, but that is just a side effect; you're not doing this for him, for you owe him nothing and it's not your personal problem if he loses his job, so you have no need to care about this.

Of course, if Jeremy continues after it has been explained to him that this behaviour is unacceptable, kyralessas answer applies.

Answer 11

The simple fact that you feel uncomfortable to just tell him to stop makes me feel ashamed of my kind (the male kind).

In France, his behaviour is simply illegal, you could press charges and he would at least have a veeeeery long chat with a police officer (plus, you have a independant witness, this is legal proof in France).

If you want to be nice with this man, ask him to stop, preferably in front of witnesses. If he doesn't stop immediately, or if you just don't feel like talking to him, go to HR (and to the police, depending on your local laws).

Answer 12

Unless you have the impression that your boss is a misogynist who you wouldn't want to trust, I'd probably talk to them and tell them that you suspect Jeremy is taking photos of you. Not that Jeremy is taking photos, but that you suspect. You could be wrong. But you think Caleb has seen it too.

Now some/many bosses will agree with me that this kind of thing will not be going on under their watch. Almost all will agree that this is putting the company in severe danger and will have to stop. So the most likely response will be a quiet word with Jeremy. With no accusations what happened, but making very clear that whether or not it happened in the past, there will be zero photos taken in the future. And that there will be no retaliation. That way the boss can keep his team intact (which is important to your boss) while stopping what's happening.

At that point, should Jeremy's behaviour continue, then he is not following his bosses orders, and your boss will be very unhappy with Jeremy.

Answer 13

I would highlight three points.

1. It has to stop.

2. The only one who can stop this is you.

3. The best time to remedy this was yesterday.

Given the description, Jeremy is taking those pictures "secretly". Sure, you can be photographed in public, but not "secretly". This clearly shows that those photographs are not clicked with "honest intention".

Talk to him (despite the fact that he is friendly, liked, valued, gentle or whatever). This is an incident that needs to be acted upon and stopped.

The target here is not to serve a "punishment", rather to make Jeremy aware about

• You know about the pictures.
• You are not (or, anyone would not be) comfortable with it.
• You would like this to stop.

Since he is doing this while trying to "hide" his actions, he is already aware of his mistake, he just does not know that you know that for a fact. Bring it up and I believe this will stop.

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Even after having a friendly chat if this does not stop (or changes form), you may need to gather evidence and approach the HR team and/or, your manager. If, after serving a warning the behavior does not change, it's time for stricter action.

Answer 14

This is an personal safety emergency; respond accordingly

The fact that this is escalating sets off red flags that he is a stalker/predator and you may be in danger of physical or a more direct sexual assault. I would suggest the following (caveat: I'm not an expert; find one ASAP and talk to them!):

• Let HR know immediately
• Let your company security team/person know immediately
• File a police report/restraining order immediately if appropriate for your jurisdiction (if you don't know, I'd ask the police; it doesn't hurt unless you live in an area where the police aren't your friend)
• Let your supervisor know immediately
• Try to find a job somewhere else if you can; in the short term, can you work from a local coffee shop (I was going to say at home, but it may be better to work in a public place)?
• Practice good personal security awareness as you may now be at a heightened risk

Everything I've read advises against confronting a stalker, as it feeds their pleasure at causing you distress, but again get expert advice ASAP.

Answer 15

First I would like to point out / sum up some obvious facts, we all can get out of OP's answers:

1. OP doesn't want to talk to Jeremy
2. OP wants for him to get a second chance - she believes he deserves second chance
3. OP wants to get evidence of him taking photos of her - and OP even asked in one comment that she in Caleb don't know how to do it
4. From video of Jeremy taking pictures OP could get photos of him doing it - so it is not against company's policy (OP commented that it is forbidden to record audio and film)
5. OP commented that when she would get evidence of Jeremy - she would tell another co- worker - William or someone from other group - she stated

So the question is how OP could acquire video? Or get some evidence?

And then we can discuss what to do next.

P.S. I am agreeing with OP, that without evidence and OP's current position at work place it can end badly for her.... And it can happen that Jeremy "wins" the situation.

And if OP thinks she can't talk with Jeremy or someone else without evidence - I think we should help her get some evidences with suggestions on how to do it.

Answer 16

As everyone else says: this is not okay, and has to stop! BUT, if you want to take a simple approach to simply make it stop, without starting a discussion, raising any problems for Jeremy (even though he would deserve it!), etc... you can wear a t-shirt like this:

This should immediately give him the hint to stop! I would wear it just once, not look at him while he sees it first (or stare at him directly, depending on the level of confrontation you intend). If that does not help, and he takes one more picture, go to HR!
Now I think that would be the easiest non-confrontational way I can think of, and if I read your post correctly, that was what you asked for. You should still consider going for something more drastic right away!