What should you do when eye contact makes your subordinate uncomfortable?

Question

I am a newly promoted engineering supervisor, with a team of four engineers reporting to me. I have worked with them for several years before being promoted and we have a great, friendly dynamic. That has not changed, but what has changed is that I now have 1-on-1 meetings with them to discuss their tasks and performance (all great, no hard conversations). In these meetings, we sit across from each other and talk.

Two of my engineers are clearly uncomfortable in this set up, unable to maintain eye contact and so look around the room as they talk most of the time. It doesn’t bother me that they are looking around, but I don’t know what to do myself in this situation. I want my employees to be comfortable and able to talk openly to me. They don’t interact with customers so I have no need to change them, and they are both excellent at their jobs.

My natural response is to just keep looking at them and smiling, but I worry this is not helpful. Looking away myself feels dismissive. I am hoping someone who doesn’t like eye contact can offer me some tips!

I’m asking what I can do body language wise to reduce their nervousness. The relationships are good, we just never had conversations like this before as peers (one on one, task-focused) and so I don’t have any experience to inform me.

Does me keeping looking at them make it worse? Should I try to look away more? Should I try to ditch the sitting across from each other and try sitting on the same side of a table?

Second Edit: Thank you so much, everyone! I’ll add a couple of things for further clarification, but I have great ideas for improvements thanks to y’all.

Intimidation is not a significant factor - I came in as the ‘lead’, formed the good relationship I reference, was the only one who went for the promotion — I was the obvious choice, and there were no hard feelings. It was a very seamless transition. I imagine there are some nerves present as we move through this transition, but I generally think it’s more about who they are as people (some don’t like eye contact!).

One is male and another one is female, so it is not obviously gendered. There are two other engineers who make an ‘expected’ amount of eye contact, so these two I am discussing are a contrast in their lower amount in the same situation. They do make eye contact with me at intervals, I just think they, as people, don’t like eye contact very much. If just not messing with them is sufficient, wonderful! That’s what I’m hearing.

I don’t know they are uncomfortable necessarily, more like, I, a social person, have not encountered this situation and myself am uncomfortable. Based on input, they don’t care what I do really, which is a relief!

Answer 1

Go take a walk around the block while you two talk. That's what we do here and it works pretty well.

Answer 2

I'm one of those people

I believe you are reading too much into this!

Don't start with team-building exercises, surveys, etc. Leave it be.

If you are getting the results you need from these sessions, that's what matters.

Some people just naturally don't like eye contact in one-on-one conversations. Me included! That includes me being in positions of power or otherwise.

Look wherever you want. The important thing is you listen and respond.

Answer 3

I've been in similar situations where people were unable to look me in the eye whilst in a 1-1 meeting. It was pretty clear that they weren't feeling inferior but rather socially awkward/anxious and slightly introvert.

I tried different things and what seemed to work well was sitting next to the person instead of across from them during 1-1s and use a laptop or notes between us to focus on. Most of the time I was focused on the screen while talking and that gave the opportunity to the other person to talk while looking at the screen or notes.

If you're happy with the meetings' outcome and you're able to communicate fine with your subordinates, then I'd simply try to find a layout for these meetings that makes them more comfortable.

Answer 4

Something that hasn't been mentioned is that they may be thinking.

When you ask me a technical question, I mentally fire up the equipment and software I'd use to work on the problem for real and then run through possible solutions or approaches.

I'm mentally looking at things that are somewhere else. My eyes just rove and have very little to do with what I'm looking at.

I might "park" my peepers staring at blank section of wall or out a window. If I'm really far away, they just stop wherever they were pointed - which may be at you or someone else, causing creepy feelings of "why's he staring at me?"

So, if you are having a one on one discussion and your coworker is staring off into space, he may be really busy trying to find a solution. Anything you do to prevent them from "spacing out" might cause you to lose out on a better solution to your problems.

Answer 5

The individuals in question could be on the autism spectrum such Asperger's Syndrome which is high functioning autism . Such individuals have difficulty with eye contact and are uncomfortable in social situations. This is offset by intense focus on a field of study that they become extremely good at what they do. As for body language I have noticed that they have a hard time correctly interpreting it. You mentioned that one is male and one is female. Asperger's manifests itself differently in men and women.

Answer 6

I myself find that I can listen better if I'm not making an effort to maintain eye contact. After all, you listen with your ears, not your eyes. Because of this, my own eyes tend to wander during conversation, whether I'm any kind of nervous or not.

It may be the same for these individuals. You don't know, so don't make assumptions. If they are performing well and can remember what was discussed, it doesn't really matter that they don't maintain eye contact with you, and no additional action is needed.

Answer 7

You mention:

In these meetings we sit across from each other and talk.

Why do you sit across each other? Just write down the things you want to talk about, and say to that person that you want to discuss the points you have written down. The best way to do this is to sit next to each other. While sitting like that, both of you look at the paper and there's no need anymore for having eye-contact.

Answer 8

Does me keeping looking at them make it worse?

Not directly (see below).

Should I try to look away more? Should I try to ditch the sitting across from each other and try sitting on the same side of a table?

No need. It's not you looking at them that's the problem, it's their discomfort looking at you.

There is potentially an added discomfort imbued by the expectation that when someone looks at you, you look back (so the coworker may feel an element of "obligation" that they cannot fulfil, causing further discomfort).

But, in my personal experience, I wouldn't worry too much about your approach here, as long as you're not actively rebuking them for not giving eye contact back (which would suck because, for some people, it's genuinely really, really hard).

That being said, there are some excellent suggestions in other answers (e.g. having a "walking meeting") that nix the entire problem at source; that way you can eliminate any issue at all, provided these ideas fit in well with your workflow and daily structure.

Answer 9

Others have contributed some good thoughts. Some personal perspective:

1. What sort of training has your employer provided for those new to management? Do they provide skill building materials?
2. Social skills are a bit less relevant if the job isn't customer facing.
3. Try not to judge employee on looking in eye, but more on whatever their positive qualities are, and your assessment of their contributions.
4. Do not make assumptions on character, rush to judgement, or over-simplify based on a few observations.
5. Don't discuss with other managers at your level. Not necessarily their business...
6. You do have a mentor responsibility, so think about what that entails and whether social skills are relevant. 6.a. I've done customer facing work, and not always handled it the best. In that case I was fortunate to have a manager that could skillfully address it, and identify areas to improve, and highlight good parts (so I'm not demoralized). Keep in mind I was hired partially due to better social skills. 6.b. The other side, purely internally focused work. Just keep in mind everyone is not created equal and some people will not be able to "improve" their social skills. That's OK. Then focus more on whether tasks are getting done, quality of work, etc.

Answer 10

If you have been working with them for a long time and have now become their "superior" this is common to happen. They may have the problem of trying to separate the relationship they used to have with the one they have now.

There are a few things you can try.

1. Just give them the room they need, if their performance is not lacking and motivation seems to be the same, leave it as it is. Continue looking at them while they speak and remain professional.

2. If you have worked with them for that long and feel the relationship exists there, ask them. While you are on the 1-on-1 tell them you have noticed that they don't seem to be fully comfortable and ask them if they prefer a different approach to the 1-on-1.

3. Use an anonymous survey to the entire team regarding current processes, including 1-on-1, PDP and PDR.

As you said, they are not going to be customer facing, but it is also good to give them the opportunity to develop their interpersonal skills.

Answer 11

In America, it's common for companies to do "team-building" exercises. They usually consist of the team going to lunch, or having a gathering off site with families, even. It's to allow people get to know each other in casual situations, and this can help with a person viewing their boss/manager as a person, not just an authority to be scared of.

Perhaps this isn't an option, but for whatever reason they seem to fear you. Might just be a cultural thing...but you need to try to find a way to break through that.

Answer 12

Although there are some good examples of things you can do to get around this uncomfortable feeling mentioned by others.

The main thing here should be to build your coworkers confidence (restless eyes are caused by nerves and lack of confidence) rather than find more ways they can avoid eye contact. Eye contact is a very important skill and should not be overlooked as it's the main way to connect during conversation. It's not something that should be avoided no matter who you are.

That being said

(all great, no hard conversations)

They might not be uncomfortable but just nervous during these 121's. You get what you need and conversation is still flowing. If colleagues were uncomfortable there would likely be rushed speech or stutters along with lack of eye contact

Answer 13

Although this question has been answered already, I am trying to include my 2 cents. By reading your question, you said:

I don’t know they are uncomfortable necessarily, more like, I, a social person, have not encountered this situation and myself am uncomfortable. Based on input, they don’t care what I do really, which is a relief!

Don't judge people if they are uncomfortable. Especially during meetings some people don't make eye contact, because they stare in space to digest/understand the important points and trying to match if it relates to their questions. Usually people are uncomfortable if they don't know the answer or afraid of being asked what they have not fulfilled or done before.

So, I'd say try to make more friendly conversation with individuals by 1:1 coffee or walk. You can ask issues which are bothering them or something they can't talk during the meeting. Try to grill down to the level where they are confident to disclose if anything in their mind and assure them that will be taken care. I believe this will help maintain good healthy relations with them if you convince them. At the end of the day you're on higher position, there's always respect and little one step back bonding always there in them.

Answer 14

As someone who tended to avoid eye contact when younger, I also think you are giving too much importance to it.

When younger I had some personal confidence and privacy issues, which are not all related to my culture, and people actually complained I did not pay attention to them just because I did not look them right on the eye.

Actually with age, hundreds and meetings and life experience - including some failed relationships because of being shy, nowadays I interact pretty much as expected.

Just be aware this might be a learned skillset for some people.

Answer 15

Most likely they are nervous. Many employees will feel nervous talking to their manager 1 on 1. Add the fact that you are their new manager, talking about their tasks and performance and this nervous factor can increase. Add the fact that they are engineers, who in many cases are introverts, and you can understand how elevated their nerves must be.

There isn't anything to change on your part as far as smiling and looking at them. What you can do, before the meeting, is try to calm them down and make it clear that the meeting isn't an official review or that they aren't being punished for anything.