How to deal with apathetic co-worker?

Question

I work in gastronomy in a rather small restaurant. The co-worker I spend most of my work-day around has become more and more apathetic over the past few months. It was a very gradual change, so I am uncertain if it has to do with a specific event.

I generally enjoy my job and try to be in a good mood, both for the sake of the customers and for myself, but when I'm constantly confronted with my co-worker, who seems like really does not care at all for what he is doing, it bothers me greatly.

I have thought quite a bit about possible solutions, and here is what I have come up so far, with possible caveats:

Ignoring it

This is the approach I have gone with so far, but it's really not working out for me in the long run. I know that the work attitude of my co-workers is technically none of my business, but it is the absolute negative highlight of my job, every single day.

Get a different job

The town where I live in doesn't have any other restaurants. I don't own a car, and my income isn't enough to afford the continuous expenses of a car (fuel, repairs, insurance, etc.).

Public transport could be an option if there is no other way, but the bus stops every two hours in our town, which is less-than-optimal.

And furthermore, I like my job. Yes, the payment is bad, but I genuinely enjoy doing what I am doing. I would hate to change my job.

Talk to him about it

Not necessarily in a "Hey, your attitude is bothering me!"-way, but more in a "I noticed you're not really enjoying your job. Is there something on your mind?"-way. I'm split on this approach. On one hand, I feel like talking about it could be a way to identify potential issues. On the other hand, he could interpret it as me putting my nose into his private life.

Talk to our boss about it

It's a problem I have with my job, and talking to our boss about it could help. Or it could make things way, way worse. Like talking to my co-worker about it, just dialed up to eleven.

Is there any possible solution I am missing?

Answer 1

Not every job is everyone's dream job. If he is doing his work and getting along okay then leave the poor guy alone and focus on you. It doesn't sound like an issue that needs resolving. It is up to him what he does with his life.

Answer 2

I know that the work attitude of my co-workers is technically none of my business. . .

Correct. You add in a "but", and explain why you want to change your coworker, but those are your issues, not theirs. You already know the answer, don't make excuses around it just because you don't want it to be true.

Don't get a different job. There will be miserable people everywhere you ever work. If you can't overcome it you will be running from it forever.

Don't talk to your boss about it. It is not your bosses job to legislate people's mood. By bringing them in they will have an unsolvable crisis that won't actually bring any resolution for you.

The only suggestion you made that is viable is to talk to the colleague. That would be a compassionate and potentially effective response. Just note that lifting people's mood can range greatly in difficulty. It could be as simple as being bored with the tedium at work and having a coworker interact with them in new and interesting ways could be very beneficial. It could also be major depression. Are you prepared to support someone through that? (It's hard.)

It's probably somewhere in between, but the point I am trying to make is that helping your coworker may require actual care and compassion, so don't do it for selfish and shortsighted reasons, as it won't end well.

It might also be beneficial if you sought counseling on your own. Anyone who works professionally with depression patients typically goes through therapy to help maintain their own peace of mind. Depression can absolutely have an impact on those around people who suffer from it, but there are techniques for dealing with that. These could be useful to you whether you try to help your coworker or not.

Good luck.

Answer 3

You seem to have thought things through well. I would encourage you to consider talking both to your colleague and your manager about the situation.

Talk to your colleague - Reaching out with an offer of support is great. But also don't be afraid to share your observations and how you are being affected by your co-worker's behavior. Few folks show up to work with the objective of being dead weight - your feedback could go a long way and lets your co-worker know that you care about the quality of their work. Try something like "I sometimes see you ..., it makes me think ... and makes me feel ...".

Talk to your manager - Your manager's role is to coach and direct you and your co-workers. Your manager may be avoiding the problem or entirely unaware of the behavior. If you feel like you have an open relationship with your manager, sharing your observations and feelings may help them understand they need to act, or may start a conversation that helps you better understand the behavior you're observing.

Best of luck. Food service culture is a challenge, but don't be afraid to push for a better environment for you and your colleagues.

Answer 4

Just to combine a few answers here, the correct answer is probably "ignore it" but there are some cases where a different action would be appropriate.

Case 1: performance change. Is the performance of the coworker different, such that it leads to more work for you? Not attitude, performance. If they still get all their work done and do a decent job on their interactions with clients, then this is not the case. If their apathy is such that they are skipping tasks or being rude to clients in a way that you have to take care of, then this is something you can talk to your manager about. Keep this conversation about actions, not attitude - the additional tasks and responsibilities that you have had to take on in the past months to compensate for this coworker.

Case 2: you're genuinely friends. Are you friendly and close with this coworker (or used to be)? If so, you could talk to them directly about their attitude change, if and only if you approach it as coming from a place of concern for a fellow human, not a place of the personal annoyance you feel about this. The last thing a depressed person needs to hear is that their depression is bumming someone else out. If you can genuinely say something like "hey, I noticed that you seem to be a bit down lately, anything you want to talk about?" and can fully accept that "no" might be the answer, then ask it. You don't have to commit to being this person's therapist, but reaching out in a friendly compassionate way could help them, and lead to some clarity for you.

If their attitude change hasn't caused more work for you, and you're not close enough to feel comfortable asking them about their mood change, then we're back to "ignore it". Ignoring something like this isn't something you can just turn on. You can't tell yourself "this doesn't bother me" and bam! immediately it stops bothering you, but this is something you can work on over time. There are tricks to stop being bothered by things you can't change. Here's what's worked for me in the past:

1. When the external stimulus annoys you, take a moment to take a couple of deep breaths. While you're breathing, focus on something positive and reminding yourself that you don't have to get annoyed right now. This will get easier over time.

2. Are there certain interactions with this coworker where they are less apathetic? Could you maximize the number of those sorts of interactions with them, and limit other types of interactions? If you don't have to interact with this person at their most apathetic, then don't.

3. Is there a story you could tell yourself about this coworker that would make their apathy understandable for you? Maybe this coworker's apathy is annoying because it seems so inexplicable that they aren't loving the job you love. What if you knew that they were just dumped, or that they are depressed, or are going through some other stressful personal situation? Would that make you feel better about their apathy? If so, you don't necessarily have to know this about them. Just choose to tell yourself that story about them so that you feel better.

4. Can you take a step back from your interactions and view them through an anthropological view? I've not used this with apathetic people before, but when I have to deal with other types of angry or difficult people, I try to take a step back and view the conversation almost like a scientific study, as in "how interesting that this person responds like this in this situation." Taking the step back and viewing the interaction through this lens helps me remain emotionally unaffected by the other person's emotional state.

Answer 5

You should definitely try to talk primarily with him, or your boss.

1. This coworker is part of your environment, and your environment is making you unhappy. The only one responsible for shaping your environment to suit your needs are you. Don't tie knots of yourself trying to avoid the real problem. It's absolutely normal to be affected by your coworkers.

2. Your coworker is obviously not happy. He might or might not be willing to talk about it, but the least you can do is to show that you care and to give him a chance to ligthen his heart.

3. The "It's none if your business"-approach is a dysfunctional, non-productive, fear-driven and unfortunately a way too common non-strategy. You are supposed to be a team. There is nothing ok with having apathetic and depressed coworkers. If it's bothering you, then it's your responsibility to yourself and everyone else involved to act upon the problems that you identify.

Answer 6

Allowing another person to affect your state of mind is like attaching your anchor to another boat: you'll both be tossed around by the tide.

If you're unhappy with your environment, then change yourself or change your situation. Don't try to change other people. It's not your place, and it rarely works anyhow.

Answer 7

Let's flip this around. You have already said that you are happy with your job and the only thing you want changed is your co-worker. Let's say that that co-worker quits tomorrow and is replaced by a new co-worker.

Now let's also pretend that this new co-worker is even more happy with this job than you are, except that they have one problem: you just don't seem to enjoy this job as much as they do and they want that to change. They try to talk to you about it, they talk to your manager about it, they do other frustrating things that actually make you enjoy your job less.

Consider now, what do you think is the appropriate course of action? One person's apathy is another one's enjoyment. Leave your co-worker be and focus on yourself.