How should I conduct a meeting with HR with the purpose of preempting a conflict with my manager?

Question

I have a manager who is incredibly temperamental when it comes to criticism and what he views as unsatisfactory work. Oftentimes he will be very understanding and sympathetic when a problem arises, however, every now and then and seemingly without warning, he will become excessively critical.

This will usually escalate to the point where he belittles my colleagues and I while pointing out perceived flaws in our work. The catalyst is almost always either of little consequence and/or has a thought-out rationale behind it. I've spoken with the individuals on my team, and they have all attested that they have had these same conflicts with our manager and that they resent the aggressive nature of these encounters.

There are a myriad of factors at play, naturally. For me, the biggest kicker is that I see it happen to my colleagues, and I see it happen, again, when it does not seem remotely merited to be this combative. Whereas I thought if I "did a good enough job", I could avoid another of these confrontations, I now see that it very well could be a matter of time before another one arises whether or not I "step up to the plate," as it were.

I really like almost every aspect of my job, but experience a tremendous amount of stress solely related to this habit of my manager. I honestly think the next of these conflicts will have me quitting. As such, I have arranged a meeting with HR. This is partly to seek advice and partly to have a documented conversation about the issue. Mostly, though, it is to attempt to use the tools at my disposal to prevent a blowout akin to those that have already occurred. I've considered framing it in such a way that I'm advocating for my team's best interest, but I worry that may be an overreach.

What is the best way for me to have this meeting with HR and not place myself in the firing line?

Answer 1

What is the best way for me to have this meeting with HR and not place myself in the firing line?

My first instinct is to suggest you don't have the meeting at all...

If your manager is most of the time nice and understanding, but sometimes he becomes excessively critical, it may be due that he/she is under a lot of stress, deadlines, etc..

This is not rare. Many managers I've had have at least sometimes behaved like that, and it's almost always when under stress (some people are better at handling it). IMHO, thinking of quitting solely because of this could be an over-reaction, and as a professional you should be able to cope with stress and other's reactions... but only you know the true extent of these episodes.

Instead of taking it personally or get offended, I suggest you take the higher ground: try to stay calm and professional, and politely ask your manager for pointers on where you could improve the project or your work.

This could even be a problem of communication. Perhaps when your boss is "nice and understanding" you and your colleagues are failing at grasping and documenting what you manager asks, and then, during moments of stress, those loose ends come to view and your manager doesn't like it. Try to make a self-analysis to see if you can improve your situation by working on this (i.e.: when boss asks for X, make sure you understand, write it down, send an email or similar to boss stating what was spoken so there is backup in case boss complains in the future).

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Now, perhaps some or all of these things you already put in practice, but still your manager continues to get overly-critical.

Again, I sense that this could be a problem of communication, and also some lack of tolerance form you and your colleagues. Stressful situations will always happen in the workplace, and as a professional one has to try to keep calm, polite, work the problem and deliver.

If you decide to go on with the meeting with HR, the only way I see you can avoid to put yourself in the "firing line" is not going alone to the meeting. Have your colleagues come with you and have them also participate and express their thoughts.

Finally, you mention in comments that "None of my colleagues expressed enough of a concern to want to be directly involved". This seems to me like a strong sign that this could be a non-issue, or perhaps something that only bothers you but your colleagues tolerate it to a degree. Taking all these things in consideration, I again suggest you don't have the meeting and try to work on the things mentioned. If this meeting takes place, and you go alone, you will be getting into a situation where most likely you will end up in trouble and obtain few to none good from it.

Answer 2

The HR team is available to help you through a challenging conflict with your manager, both formally an informally. In your discussion, you should express a specific request of the HR team member you meet. You could ask for things like:

• "I want help preparing and thinking about how to best approach my manager to keep the conversation civil and productive."
• "I would like the HR team to look in to the behavior of my manager and intervene directly with him/her if it isn't appropriate."
• "I want help finding ways to support my team when my manager is upset. Additionally, I'd like to be able to diffuse and avoid conversations that might upset my manager."
• "I'd like to submit a formal complaint about my manager's behavior."

Anticipate that your conversation will not be confidential. Your manager may hear about your complaints and concerns shortly after you share them. This shouldn't be a reason to balk, but should be a factor that encourages you to stick to the facts. Ask the HR team member what you should do should your manager confront you.

Otherwise, the norms of professional discussions apply. Be honest about your rationale for calling the meeting and your fear of retaliation from your manager. There's no need to limit the details you share - you'll get the best outcome by being fully honest and transparent.

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I'm sorry you're having this experience with your manager. The behavior you describe is not acceptable and you are doing the right thing to address it. I hope that your current environment improves quickly or that you might find an exciting opportunity that offers a greater level of respect and professionalism.