(I'm a contributor here already but created a throwaway account because I don't want it to be associated.)
I've worked here for about 18 months as a 'subject matter expert' in
Technology X (a role that's new to the company, as technology X is central to their strategy but they didn't have a single person to be the design and architecture 'authority' about that, so people from other teams with various levels of interest and experience in X were muddling along).
As such I am expected to be the 'Subject Matter Expert' for most things related to Technology X and to work on various strategic and tactical projects related to Technology X (not really as a developer myself, but more like e.g. "investigating and then rolling out new features of the new version of Technology X to help the dev teams move forward with their developments".)
- Although I am enjoying the job in general and feel it is a good fit (culturally; matches what I can contribute to the role and so on) I feel like I'm "slacking off", "unmotivated", can't seem to get anything finished or to properly push people for things I need them to respond to, I can't contribute as much as I think I ought to be, or that I would like, to team discussions where they need the 'expert' (which should be me) to guide them and make a decision / give my opinion on what to do.
- In the past I've almost always been a high performer and gone above and beyond expectations and all that. But now I feel like I'm underperforming.. (I have had that discussion with my boss, who didn't agree particularly, but I think he has relatively low expectations as I know I am capable of a lot more.)
- so I'm low-key worried about PIPs (an officially documented process with HR whereby you have to shape up or ship out, ultimately), not sure if it's warranted or not.
Ultimately.... I just don't care about any of this. I just can't bring myself to feel anything about that -- when everyone else has the privilege to take 2 weeks off to visit the coffee shops of Vancouver (or whatever) and I was lucky to take 1 day to go to 'seaside resort 20 miles from me but better keep my phone switched on and dial in to emails and so on'.
Prior to this role... I've come from a background of about 15 years, give or take, of never actually taking a real break.
I have never in 15 years taken more than a week off at a time, and those weeks were pretty rare, and even when I was away made myself available. I've been called in to work (in previous companies) on a day I was supposed to be moving house and agreed to go in for an hour that turned out to be a day, been called back from a (rare) actual trip away to go in to the office, and so on and so on.
But none of this is the fault of my current company.
Right now I'm at the end of a period of about 4 years (previous company + this company) over which I've felt I could never really take more than a couple of days off at a time, had to be "on call" on days I did take off (not at my current employer, but at previous ones, etc).
Ultimately it has all now come to a head and taken a toll on my mental health and I feel like I can't carry on this way.
I am exhausted every day, I feel like "what's the point in anything", every day is just yet another day to get through and there's nothing to look forward to and nothing will ever change and I'm just so tired...
... but I can't go off "sick" with my current company with this, because it really isn't anything to do with them, it's just the accumulation of everything that came before.
I still haven't been able to take time off with this company because of projects which would normally be fine if I'd had a break before (I guess normally people take a break between jobs -- I could have afforded an unpaid break but didn't get the chance).
Each day now I go to work, step through the motions, do the minimum I need to do to get through... and this isn't me at all, I've always been enthusiastic about these things (I'm a
Technology X geek!) but nowadays all I can do is the minimum and I feel constantly irritable, on edge, tearful (!) overly sensitive to anything people say as a joke and anything like that.
People here talk about holidays, their plans etc and I can't help thinking "must be nice!" (in a snarky way) and feeling resentful. I wish they'd be more considerate but I realise that isn't a reasonable response (it's just an emotional one as I feel angry and embittered every time I hear yet another person going on about their own holiday, how relaxing it was, how "you really ought to visit New England in the autumn!" or whatever it is. Yeah, I wish I could!)
How can I address burnout with my current company, when it isn't really my current company's "fault" but is rather the accumulation of things that have been going on for years but finally reached a head?
[I can't help thinking that it's come to a head now because I finally have a position I feel comfortable with and have 'breathing space' but I think that is just speculation].
And are there strategies I can use to recover from what I described above without having to take extended time off or call in 'sick' ?
PS. I really hope someone can help and that it isn't off topic, I think it is about "navigating the workplace" in this circumstance. I don't know where else to turn for rational advice!