So, I 've always been anxious about my performance and fear of failure being the main bone I have to contend with. And to make matters worse, I've been diagnosed with ADD (eleventy years ago, and I'm in the progress of going through a very thorough re-assessment, because I'm not quite sure the diagnosis is correct). All in all not very helpful when you're working in high-tech software (i.e. robotics and computer vision) in a pretty high tempo (which is great) environment.
During the years I've tried many medications:
First I thought sleep was the problem, so I had been on Temazepam for yearsssss, but I stopped it because this does not help the underlying problems in the slightest.
I've been on Ritalin and dexamfetamine (adderall?), but when using Ritalin I just want to lock myself up in the house and count flowers on the wall and using dex just felt wrong. It does certainly help keep focus on tedious tasks, which I suck at, but it also kills creativity.
I've been on Mirtazapine (for sleep) and Venlafaxine (for general mood), the result of Mirtazapine being adding 20KGs (44lbs) WHILST cycling 5k+ a year and going to the gym. Go figure.
Venlafxine (@75mg daily) doesn't really alter my mood and although I don't experience any (negative) side-effects I'm considering tapering off (of course with help of my GP and other care providers who are more specialised in this sort of matter). And no, I'm not depressed.
So for nothing really helped. Then I discovered (was prescribed) Xanax. What a revelation. I felt motivated and actually got lots of stuff done and the anxiety,poef, gone! A gift from heaven. I was put on 2x1 mg, but I found that a bit much. So now basically have a regimen. Apart from my day job as a dev, I'm also pursuing a masters degree in bionformatics (so: molecular biology, some basic chemistry, systems biology, differential equations, differential equations and from time to time some differential equations and differential equations. Did I mention differential equations yet?
Now combining this with a 40 hr job, regular sporting activities and a wife that needs attention is a task in itself as you could problably imagine (no watching the TV time sink helps).
Anyhow the crux is: today I have a day off for study, and I've found that 0.5 mg xanax disolved in a nice cup of tea and drinking it slowly helps me get over my inherent laziness and actually, really helps me get to work (and remember it ;)).
I don't use it every day, maybe 2-3 times in a row (days like these and sometimes in the weekend), but I do feel it might be a bit sketchy to do so. It just puts me over the edge of giving in to slacking. And I can also easily, without side effects not take it for a week, or 2.
I usually don't drink alcohol, perhaps some red wine during the holidays on when we're on vacation.
So the real question is: I use these anxiolytics to actually focus on study and I'm kind of in dubio, the medication scares me, because it's so good and I really don't want to be a benzo addict... Should I keep doing it. Anyone else in the same boat here? Somehow it just doesn't feel right using this, while at the same time I acknowledge their helpfulness.