I am fortunate to have a position that I love. This position grants me the opportunity to work with professionals from different backgrounds in all fields dedicated to serving underserved families and students.
My position requires me to be responsible for several tasks. One task in particular that I struggle is being a program coordinator with a large expectations. I love what I do and see so much potential for the project that I have.
But there is no guidance! I received little to no trainings or walkthrough. It's been a little over a year now and I have no tangible documents to measure my success because I was disorganized.
My disorganization stemmed from my lack of mental clarity. As a grad student dealing with a lot of family, personal issues, and healing from depression and severe anxiety I was literally not in my right mind. My direct supervisor is hands down the best boss I have ever had and is a role model in every way but I can tell that she is fed up with me. Indirectly, she has shared that they most likely won't choose to continue my position due to my lack of documentation.
Truth is, I freeze when it comes to writing nowadays. I'm not sure when this started (sometime in undergrad, probably when depression really hit). We have barely any staff and I am required to initiate and coordinate every project, market, conduct surveys. Everything!
I am so overwhelmed. I am thoroughly embarrassed with the reputation that I may leave my job with but at the same time I cannot and will not kill myself for my mental health struggle these past couple of years.
I just feel so bad because I let my boss down and I failed at my dream job (which thankfully is a graduate assistantship).
How do I move forward? My next task is drafting a plan on how we can move forward.
My boss doesn't understand that I truly have trouble organizing my thoughts and need someone to model how to be organized. All I have to do is put my thoughts on paper, I am pretty sure she will help me with rest. But I just cannot get it out.
And I miss all deadlines.
I am so frustrated. I am literally ruining my own life.
I love this position and I want to keep it. But I cannot survive in unstructured workplaces especially if I am not too familiar and required to be everywhere and do everything by myself.
I know it's a long ramble, any suggestions?