How to politely tell colleague to use respectful tone in emails

Question

Once in a while I come across situation where I get email from colleagues (who are not my bosses or superior. In fact in most cases, I am at relatively senior position to them) where the tone is more like ordering rather than asking. Not part of on-going conversation (where I would understand a terse tone) but when starting a new conversation. For example, one day I will suddenly get an email from someone asking something like:

I need information on project X so that it would help me for my project Y. Please send me the details.

or

I have decided to schedule a meeting on this topic. You will have to be there at 3 PM.

Edit: There are lot of comments/answers on first one is perfectly fine example. I agree in general but there is lot more context to it. Basically they are asking me for a favor on their project which is not related to me. My job/performance does not get affected by it. I have expertise in that area so I can help them but it is not our day to day conversation. This is not a member of my team with whom I am exchanging information every day and I am expecting that in every communication, they use the tone I want. This is just out of the ordinary request coming from a different team. They have no authority over me and I do not have over them.

These are just few examples from different people. Not necessarily exact words but just overall tone which makes me little less excited to respond.

We are a small company and we work on lot of projects. At the end of the day, success of every project (whether directly part of my job or not) is success for the company. While my primary role does not require me to support them, I can easily see why my help is needed. People working on those projects just directly come to me without going through managers (Which is absolutely fine and that is how start-ups should work). I am happy to help if I can but I would just like to point it out politely that they would have to ask nicely. I do not think they intend to be rude but just do not understand how it is coming across.

I have so far not reacted directly because I did not like the tone but subconsciously I think I do not support them whole heartedly which I know is not fair.

I am not looking to forward it to anyone like my boss or their boss and escalate this.

Edits: I have made some edits clarifying few things on my role. Also, removed the line on not being about culture (May be it is!).

Also, note that when I say it is not part of my job I simply cannot decline it. If I think it is good for the organisation(and if I have time to support), I want to support and I have always been supporting it, irrespective of the tone. My manager trusts my discretion and usually does not interfere on what projects I chose to work on.

Answer 1

These answers are OK, but they are missing one possible and often effective technique for encouraging behavior change.

The way you do it is by "modeling" the correct/expected behavior.

In other words, pretend as though they prompted you using impeccable manners and respond to them with exactly the level of respect you want to see from them. Over time, they will sense and reciprocate your communication style if you do it for them consistently.

Behavior modification through modeling has long been used by effective teachers and leaders. It does work, but it takes time and consistency.

Answer 2

I am happy to help if I can but I would just like to point it out politely that they would have to ask nicely.

Don't do this - it's incredibly petty and ridiculous. It may not be as rude as you think it is - some people are just very matter of fact in emails, and the two examples you gave there could well be considered "matter of fact" more than outright rude.

Instead, if it's not part of your job role, presumably these things are part of someone else's - so the best thing to do IMHO, no matter the tone, is to tell them where they should be looking to find that info, either now or in the future.

Please send me the details of this project

This project is handled by Alice (cc'd) - she would be best placed to respond here.

Or, if you don't know:

You will have to come to this meeting.

Afraid that's not my area, and I'm not sure who would be best to help here. Check with (your manager.)

Clarifying from the comments however:

I cannot push it to someone else. They actually need my help. It is like they would have to use some of the learnings from my experience in project X to apply in project Y.

...then this almost certainly is part of your job role. It doesn't have to be explicitly stated, most companies would reasonably expect employees to to help out other employees with areas in which they're "internal experts", especially if they're the only ones to hold that knowledge.

In this case, you just need to reply as you would otherwise. Forget the blunt nature and assume they're asking, not requesting. You certainly don't need to prioritise their requests, but you should fulfil them. So for:

You will have to come to this meeting.

I'd likely reply:

Sure, I'm available then and happy to help. Feel free to send around an invite.

Or, if that caused a clash:

Afraid I'm not available then - I can join at the same time the following week, or happy to join if it's shifted after 1400.

Or, if you're working to a tight deadline and can't afford to break away for the meeting:

Afraid that I've no time free until after our current sprint finishes on the 23rd June. If you schedule something for after then I'll be able to join.

Tempting as it may be, don't use the above reasons "just because" the request is blunt - that'll come back to bite you. But, unless it comes from higher up, you shouldn't take these as top priority requests over your current work either.

Answer 3

There are different methods of communication, often at least partially defined by where a person grew up. The following are very rough stereotypes of some of the cultures in the US:

• New York - very direct speech, lets you know what needs to be done
• Southern - polite, asking you to do something
• Midwestern - need to speak about general topics before getting down to business

Essentially, some people will greet you, ask how you're doing, and then ask for something. And some others will just tell you what they need. It's not a matter of being impolite, it's just a different way of communicating. And when people who communicate differently have to work together, it can cause friction. They might be just as frustrated with you: all those words, can we just get to the point? Using email doesn't make it any easier.

You can tell them to be more polite, but that in itself isn't very polite, nor will it likely do any good. Since trying to change them will likely only frustrate you and not change them at all, the better option is to figure out how to change yourself.

Understanding that people are simply different, and have different ways of approaching work is probably a good first step. Research 'Ask vs Guess Culture', and look at the ways people within a country communicate, as well as how people in different countries communicate (in general, of course). Realize that they are probably not being deliberately rude, but are just trying to get their job done, as efficiently as they know how.

Then, be as polite to them as you like. Always be polite back.

Answer 4

How to politely tell colleague to use respectful tone in emails

Don't.

Some people, for whatever reason, never learned proper communication skills. This is not exclusive to email communication, but applies to face to face interactions at the workplace as well. It is not your responsibility to teach your colleagues how to properly communicate.

Instead, what I would do is to try to make them think about their demands. If they demand that you send them some information or demand that you attend a meeting, you can simply ask "why?". Since you are not required by your job to fulfill their demands, whether you comply with their demands would depend on their explanation. Do not hesitate to reject their demands if they do not provide you with a satisfactory explanation.

Answer 5

In my experience, truth is is the eyes of the beholder.

Some people read text / email with their personal tone, which is very subjective

I would say, unless wording is explicitly hostile, try to see if there is another tone said email can be read at

Thank you

Answer 6

The prior answers suggest making a denial of service.
Stop doing something for your colleagues.

I am happy to help if I can but I would just like to point it out politely that they would have to ask nicely.

I just assume, that you still want to help people, and declined other peoples request isn't what you want.
You only want to have a polite conversation.

You could try to speak to them with "mr. [family-name]", (the indian equivalent of that)
to force your colleagues to do the same,
and continue keeping the conversion polite.

There is no 100% chance this works.
On the other hand, what you may despise, you can simply tell people to watch their tone.
I have the same problem like your colleagues, and sometimes when I'm just not concentrated my words suggest something completely different. And I get told, that I should watch my tone. And I apologise. And my conversation partner seems at least satisfied. You can try that.

I hope I could help you

Answer 7

Normally I'm all for being respectful..

But in this case I htink it is you who has to change. These are perfectly normal respectful questions. Adding fluff to a question requires straining your brain to be 'nice' (who is the recipient, what does he like etc). It takes time to write it up and isn't needed at all.

Just be direct to the point and professional.

It is exactly like questioning on stackexchange, there's a strict rule of no extra fluffy text, because it wastes everyone's time. The writer reader and potential future question askers.

Especially the first quote: he even said "please" what more do you ask? When I need something and we all work together for a common goal why would I even say "please". It is not like I ask you for a favour, it's normal that you do it - it's part of the job.

Answer 8

I work with colleagues (who happen to be from India) with the exact attitude you want to achieve here. From my end, these colleagues are labeled as "difficult to work with" and "not a team player". They are employed for their special skill-set, and as such are difficult to replace, but unfortunately nobody really likes to work with them or request work from them as they constantly get lectured.

Employees at a company are a team and should work together as a team, whether official channels exist or not. Perhaps you should talk with your boss about these communication channels and whether they are needed and productive. He may be able to just have you reply with a redirection tactic of "Hey Bob, I'd love to help but without (Boss' name), I can't commit to that effort right now".

I definitely wouldn't try to start to educate them on the proper way to address you. That just isn't going to be productive and will distance yourself from these employees, and not in a good way.

Answer 9

So, the first example you gave does not seem particularly out of the ordinary to me. "I'm working on project X, I need information about project Y, please send me whatever you know about it", is pretty ordinary imo.

The second example you gave, I would be more concerned about, if it is literally an example of something you received (you said it's not, but if it's similar to a real example then I would be concerned). This is an order, not a request. Whoever this is seems to think they can boss you around, and, unless that person is your boss, that might be something that needs to be handled (and even if it is your boss you might want to say something). Do be aware though, that people who do not speak English as a first language often talk like this; if they were to say it in person they would use a tone of voice which would make it not aggressive, but they may not understand that it doesn't work quite the same way in text. So if the sender is not a native English speaker, be gentle, but either way I would follow up with them privately over their tone. Don't "I'll do it but you have to ask me nicely" them, but at some point, and especially if this is a pattern, follow up.

EDIT: I just noticed this question is tagged "india". So I presume you are located in India. That gives more weight to my assertion that perhaps the people sending you these emails are probably not native English speakers; many Indians do speak at a native level, but many also do not, and even still some who speak at a "native" level have, let us say, "differing" understandings about what some words mean and how they are used in context.

Answer 10

A technique that can be helpful is to depersonalise the situation. Ensure a norm is publicly defined indepeneent of what you see as a mis-step.

It will depend on org size,but for example,in no particular order,

• Write an internal wiki page on good email etiquette
• present at a suitable five minute training session
• get buy in from relevant stakeholders: mgmt, hr, training, etc
• talk to other senior staff and get their read
• talk to your own peer group

Yes, some will struggle to ever get the message. However for many junior members of staff they just need to be told what the norm is rather that adopt poor practices they observe.

Note that a culture of respectful communication is important in any medium in a business; you are right to pick up on it.