How to politely but firmly tell that my ex-boss' recommendation letter is not ethical?

Question

Long story short. I was in a company for around a year, and I decided to pursue an alternative career path. Upon leaving, in large advance, I gave notice to my boss (I did not have any issues with him) and I kindly asked if he could write me a recommendation letter. He agreed. After the first day of unemployment, he sent me a reference letter.

I was caught by sadness and surprise, because it:

• is completely different from the format of the recommendation letter, as he provided a pseudo-report of my professional yield under both his supervision and his managers that worked with me. As a result, his letter is biased, I had toxic relationship with one manager under him, and he could have told her exaggerated stories of my bad behavior.
• only contains allegations of misconduct, and makes no mention of any positive aspect, and in the sense of very specific instances of bad behavior masked as follows, "his behavior looks as if he believes he is a-know-it-all", and "he judges the work of his senior peers", and ultimately that my boss (whom I had not interacted frequently, as day-to-day basis) even stated that I was not welcome in the team (of less than 3 people, me included). I personally can assure that these allegations are unsubstantiated, because for the life of me I never ever dared to judge anyone, and I firmly believe that the latter expression is a blatant lie.
• is not a recommendation, because there are no other mentions of any positive output from my work, which has spanned also through the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. My work output has been negatively impacted by personal problems related to the illness and grief in my family, but no mention of this was brought to give context to my work output, worse, it was completely ignored.

I believe that my boss did a borderline defamation and shown unethical behavior, and I would like to take action by speaking directly to him. I do not know how to tell him that he did not write a recommendation letter, and secondly that what he wrote is biased and omitted context that ultimately leaves me no choice but to leave this letter in a folder. Moreover, I am not sure that I want to contact him again.

Answer 1

I believe that my boss did a borderline defamation and shown unethical behavior

Unless you have very deep pockets and want to engage an attorney, this is a 'so what'.

Moreover, I am not sure that I want to contact him again.

So, don't contact him again.

You now know exactly what your ex-manger thinks of you. Move on, and don't use him as a reference. When future employers ask for a reference, give them the details of the HR department, not of your manager. For legal reasons, most companies do not let managers give references , so directing them to the HR department (who will confirm dates of service and your position in the company) is accepted practise.

Answer 2

I believe that my boss did a borderline defamation and shown unethical behavior, and I would like to take action by speaking directly to him.

So do it. Don't use the term "defamation" unless you first talk with a lawyer and intend to sue. Expect the conversation to shut down quickly if you do.

I do not know how to tell him that he did not write a recommendation letter, and secondly that what he wrote is biased and omitted context that ultimately leaves me no choice but to leave this letter in a folder.

If he agrees to talk with you, you might be better served to express your surprise at the tone of the letter, then see how he responds. Just jumping directly into "did not write a recommendation letter" and "biased" will likely end the conversation.

Moreover, I am not sure that I want to contact him again.

That's your choice of course. I don't see how you can speak directly to him while also not contacting him.

It's not clear what you expect to get out of speaking to him other than venting. Think it over first, and decide what you want before asking to talk.

Answer 3

Your biggest obstacle is you think there's some kind of misunderstanding about what kind of letter you wanted. There's not. He knows the letter he wrote you is completely useless. You compared it to asking for a wedding invitation and being given a note to not go to the wedding. If you ask someone for a wedding invitation and that's their response, they're telling you they don't want you at their wedding. It's a rude way of saying it, and it may come as a shock if you thought you were best friends, but the message is crystal clear. Same thing here, your boss is saying he doesn't want to give you a recommendation letter, so telling him "you didn't give me a recommendation letter" isn't going to change anything. He knows that.

I don't think you are very likely to get a better letter, regardless of what you do. However if you would like an explanation of why he wrote such a letter and maybe have a chance at him rewriting it, you must completely drop your anger, resentment, and feeling of entitlement. When a person's opinion is attacked, their instinct is to double down on it. If you try to tell him he's wrong or explain why he should only write nice things about you, he will only become more steadfast in his current stance, even if you have solid arguments to the contrary It doesn't matter if you're right, it matters if he feels like writing you a nicer letter. Let me repeat this. He does not owe you a recommendation letter, so your only option is to get him to want to write you one. You needing him to do it means nothing.

Instead of directly trying to get a new letter, speak to him face-to-face with the intention of gaining an understanding. Tell him you respect him and felt you had a good relationship, and you're surprised that the letter he wrote for you is so negative. Admit that some of the negative things he wrote are accurate, but that you felt you did a good job overall and that you thought he felt that way too and would support you. Then ask if you've drastically misunderstood his position. Does he really feel the way he wrote? Do not ask about a new letter or suggest he is wrong in any way. Then listen to his response. You must understand what is preventing him from writing you the letter before you can change it, and I promise the reason is not because he doesn't know what a recommendation letter is.

There are two main possibilities. One is he actually does despise you, feels it's obvious, and wrote a negative letter to spite you. If that's the case, you aren't going to get a better letter by playing a semantics game. Maybe you should try to figure out why you had no idea he felt that way so you can avoid this situation in the future, but you should look elsewhere for the letter.

The other possibility is he does have a good opinion of your work but was mad about you leaving or some other thing caused him to write a negative letter. If you can avoid antagonizing him, he may offer to write you a new letter with his true, positive opinions. Make sure you really listen to and understand the reasons he gave for writing a negative letter, and demonstrate that understanding. Do not contradict him or say it's an invalid reason for what he did. If the reason really is silly and he does view you favorably, talking about the situation will likely lead him to that conclusion on his own.

Don't assume this will end favourably for you. People don't typically write negative letters for people they like and respect. You should be prepared for the very real possibility that the letter reflected his true opinions of you. And frankly, based on your reaction to it, I think you've probably missed lots of signs that there were problems. But if you stay calm and nonconfrontational, it isn't likely to cause any damage except to your ego, so it might be worth a shot. If you think you will lose your composure, if you can't come at it with an attitude of assuming you're in the wrong and wanting to understand why, then just let it go. Chastising someone for their negative opinion of you isn't likely to improve it.

Answer 4

You should definitely talk to your boss and clarify the situation. Prior bosses are known to write bad references based on certain experiences with the employees, so it is best to talk to him and ask for a truce. Make sure you are not angry when you are talking to him, and talk to him as you would to a friend. Ask why he thought this way and if he could change his opinions/words in the letter. IF he is unwilling to compromise, it may be better to cut your losses and move on to another reference.