In emails or in virtual meetings:
It can be helpful to repeat oneself to add clarity to a conversation. However, I find when I repeat myself, I often come across as condescending, when really, my intentions were earnest:
Is there a way to repeat oneself in a way that makes it clear the intent is earnest, rather than condescending?
By saying things like "Again" or "As we discussed" you are putting the onus of the misunderstanding on the listener. You are simply repeating the explanation that presumably the listener didn't understand the first time. Instead, put the misunderstanding onto yourself, by saying something like "I didn't explain that very well" or "sorry for the misunderstanding" and explain it differently.
I've used that often at work when there was a misunderstanding. And usually what I found in reflection was that it was true. Maybe I had skipped over some logic step or assumed that we were on the same page when we weren't. It's certainly never harmful to review how you are explaining something when there's a misunderstanding, and turning the explanation into a discussion rather than a lecture.
It can be difficult to step back and realize that the problem may be on the sending end, rather than the receiving end. Remember the end goal isn't to "win" or be confrontational, it's to get information across.
Is there a way to repeat oneself so that it’s clear the intent is earnest, rather than condescending?
Of course there is.
First, drop all the preludes - they come across as snarky.
Second, assume your first statement was confusing. Find a new way to better convey your meaning, rather than just using the same words a second time.
Third, watch and listen for understanding. Sometimes you might need to ask for confirmation using something like "Make sense?". If you don't get a sense that the other party understands start with "Let me try a different approach..." and come up with a third way to say it.
Finally, if you still aren't communicating your thoughts well enough, suggest a different discussion offline using a different medium where you can go back and forth until clear.
Make sense? at the end, or starting with Let me try a different approach, would seem condescending, but it might be regional. I'd use something like specifically or 'more accurately`, even if you're not being more specific or accurate, since that still sounds like a "it's my mistake" type thing.
As a developer, I just turn a gray stone face and say it again, and sometimes they figure out that I've told them before and sometimes they don't.
I might say, "We need to create a new layer for the Accessdata," and then they might say, "Oh, you said that earlier, oops. Sorry but I don't know the technical part that well."
It is natural to feel that you are mean or condescending, but in a company straightforward communication without emotion is the only way to be goal-oriented and efficient. However, being cold and honest can also show earnest intent. You are just communicating. No feeling involved.
The best way in my opinion is to reword your sentence. So for example if you said 'we're going to the supermarket' you could say 'we're gonna pick up some stuff from the shop'. It makes the other party feel less guilty about having missed your message and doesn't irritate third parties as much because even though you're saying the same thing, it sounds new.
First off, I don't know what kind of communication you do, which may be relevant. I'm making some sweeping assumptions and generalizations here.
You should first ask yourself if you actually NEED to repeat yourself. If you don't want to come across as condescending, you have to shift your own mindset; assume the reader understood what you said or wrote the first time around.
Review your e-mail before sending; if you feel like you need to repeat yourself for clarity, you (subconsciously?) realize your e-mail may be too long, complicated, or inactionable. Be concise and to the point. Meandering text implies insecurity.
Start your e-mail with a conclusion, summary, or actionable items. "In response to our meeting at x, let's do y", then follow up with more details.
If none of those apply and you still need to summarize yourself, just finish your e-mail with "In summary, something something something something".
In speech / virtual meetings, take a little more time to think before you speak; don't think while speaking because then you're asking your audience to spend more of their attention span on you while you figure out what to say. Be confident, and speak (write) in statements instead of exploratory stream-of-consciousness.
I find it often helpful to repeat the other person's words or questions: "If I hear you correctly, you're concerned about problem A? Is that right?" That gives the other person the chance to either correct your understanding of problem A, or reflect on his or her own anxiety. Once you are all in agreement on what exactly constitutes problem A, you can then say: "Earlier I suggested solution B, because it addresses issue A(1) and A(2), although perhaps not A(3). How does that sound to you?"
It's also possible that in listening to the other's take on the problem, you realise that your earlier solution does not fit as well as you had thought, so then you can say: "Earlier I suggested solution B, but now that we've talked it over, perhaps C would fit better. Allow me to explain why ...". And then walk through the pros and cons of solution C, checking regularly that the other is still able to understand how your proposal pertains to the problem.
Others have answered for a situation where an explanation is asked that was given earlier. I often give more or less repeated explanations without being asked.
I often have situations where I explain some effect and want to explicitly express different views on that point. Some people may think the explanations pretty redundant, others may think that rewording opens new perspectives.
In other words ... makes clear that a reformulation (with possibly a new insight) of the last statement follows.
That is, ... also signals that a new explanation of the already mentioned point comes.
Providing a bunch of alternative explanations is providing an important service to your audience. IMHO, if your mindset is on providing such a service, the risk of coming across as condescending is small.
Different people find different explanation approaches more or less intuitive, simple/complex or understandable. There's nothing wrong with this. It may be that everyone of us has their favourite explanation approach for a certain topic. IMHO it is important not to forget that there are often other approaches as well that are just as fine - and that other people may find a different one more intuitive.
I use Like I said, ... or As I mentioned earlier, ... to connect/provide cross references.
For example: We have two options to tackle this, O1 and O2. [Explanation of O1] As I said before, O2 is an alternative. This is what we need to do...
There is nothing condescending in giving people cross references.
What is IMHO condescending is stuff like using "it follows trivially" for "plan pencil + about 4 sheets of paper", or "just" as abbreviation for hours of exacting work for a beginner... You can "just" avoid that... ;-)
If you are at a point where people are commenting that you come off as condescending, it is probably because you are repeating things that don't need repeating.
These situations normally looks something like this:
Bill is Peter's manager. Yesterday Peter did not put a cover page on his TPS report, so Bill thinks that he needs to repeat himself to make sure Peter knows to put the cover page on the report. The more times Peter does not include the cover page, the more Bill feels he needs to repeat himself. Since Bill is telling Peter something he already knows, Bill comes off as condescending and Peter becomes less motivated to include the cover page next time instead of moreso.
It does not matter how Bill chooses to repeat himself, the problem does not change if Peter already knows about the cover page. Where the Bills of the world go wrong here is by repeating the goal instead of asking questions about the problem.
Now imagine if Bill were to ask Peter why he forgot the cover page. If Peter responds by explaining that he thinks the cover page is a waste of time, you've now opened a dialogue about a problem that Bill did not even consider before. This gives Bill the opportunity to either re-evaluate the necessity of the cover page (which could improve the company's efficiency) or open up the opportunity to explain its importance. If Peter can be convinced that the cover page is important, he is MUCH less likely to forget it.
If instead Peter responds to the this question with something like "I just keep forgetting", then it might be time to talk to Peter about organization skills which could help him. This part might still come off as condescending, but is much more likely to solve the problem long term, meaning much less total friction you have to deal with.
Either way, the solution has nothing to do with repeating yourself.
I prefer: "Sorry, maybe something got lost here" or "I would like to put focus on ....", depending on you position.
The fact is:
In English there is no way to "absolutely politely" achieve this.
Anything you say, it is unfortunately absolutely obvious that you are "just being polite".
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One formulation I use is to "make it my fault", So:
"Ahh, damn, sorry I was not clear enough, the server can't be NT..."
However this is NOT a solution.
My suggestion, or any suggestion, clearly reads like this:
"You screwed up. I already explained this."
The factual answer to this great question is that anything you say, it is unfortunately absolutely obvious that you are "just being polite".
