How to leave a job with an abusive manager but still get a good reference? [duplicate]

Question

I work in a field that's heavily dependent on good references (i.e. not tech). In other words, when I apply to a new job, I have to give the name and contact information of a reference, and the prospective new employer will contact that person and expect them to say positive things about me and not simply confirm my job titles and dates of employment.

I need to leave my current job because my manager is abusive and toxic. I think he thinks that he's giving me constructive feedback, but it's always in the form of berating and belittling me for small mistakes or even things that are unrelated to my job duties, such as not being excited enough about something that he's showing me. He micromanages me at times, but also tells me I need to be more independent, but then when I want to discuss his suggestions about how to do my job, he becomes upset about me questioning his authority. Many other people in my organization also believe that my manager is very difficult to work with.

My current contract is up soon and I'm not planning on renewing it, because I believe that continuing to be in this toxic environment is bad for my mental health and that prolonged exposure will negatively affect my confidence that I will bring to future jobs. However, I also am not sure whether I will find a new job right away because of the economic recession caused by the COVID-19 pandemic.

I need to be able to use my current manager as a reference. I believe that despite the way that he treats me, he also recognizes that it would be difficult to find someone else to do my job as well as I do it, and besides, I don't have anyone else who can serve as a reference.

When I quit my job, I need to avoid burning bridges. But my manager will almost certainly ask me why I'm quitting, and it's unlikely that I'll already have a new job lined up to be able to tell him that I'm switching to a new job. He will be curious to know why I am quitting without knowing what I'm doing next. How do I approach this situation so that I can give him a satisfactory (possibly untruthful) answer so that I can still use him as a reference when an appropriate opportunity arises?

Answer 1

Welcome new user, my only advice would be

• To make it a fait accompli, a non-issue.

Hence,

But my manager will almost certainly ask me why I'm quitting...

(BTW you're not quitting, the contract has run out. Essential to stop using the word quitting!)

If this does come up, what about language like ...

Oh, it's been a great contract, thanks! I can't believe the 12 months is finished already!

A really good trick is to motor-mouth to achieve a fait accompli. Hence,

Oh, it's been a great contract, thanks! I can't believe the 12 months is finished already. You know something I particularly enjoyed, around November when we had that delivery involving the cubic parameters and the client seemed happy - I really learned a lot there. You know, you're pretty tough on designers sometimes but I feel I learned a lot from that! Hah! I tell you what though, this office I used sucks! My God, what is the chair budget like five bucks! Haha! Did you know my boyfriend is changing contracts too, we're thinking of moving to Springfield. Wouldn't you agree based on your experience schools are better there? You know the funniest guy at our client was Jeff - boy, you handled that guy.

Etc etc.

How do I approach this situation so that I can give him a satisfactory (possibly untruthful) ...

Ah, you're missing the key point

1. You're thinking of "finding the best reason" to "give as a reason"
2. the actual situation is you don't give a reason - because everyone knows when contracts are done they are done, right? it's a fait accompli.

My company only does contracts and when one ran out, if someone questioned me on "why not renewing" I wouldn't even know what to say - it's kind of a weird question. I'd just say "well the contract is finished and the job is done - fun times right?" You never have to explain anything in life - it's your life.

If you start trying to explain and prove why about something, you are "already doomed" because then it's an argument.

Answer 2

When I quit my job, I need to avoid burning bridges. But my manager will almost certainly ask me why I'm quitting, and it's unlikely that I'll already have a new job lined up to be able to tell him that I'm switching to a new job. He will be curious to know why I am quitting without knowing what I'm doing next.

I do not recommend quitting a job without having a new job lined up. It can take a while before finding a new job and you may be in a tough spot when you have to call your old manager up to see if your position is still available. Your previous manager may feel like he needs to tell you how to "find a job" and get you to the point where you'll feel like you deserve the abuse. That's a tough spot because it'll be even harder to leave after because you'll feel he's right.

I recommend first finding a job, coming in with a 2 weeks notice, telling him good bye, and working your notice period. That is quite possibly the best way to bypass this reference checking conundrum you're facing.

How do I approach this situation so that I can give him a satisfactory (possibly untruthful) answer so that I can still use him as a reference when an appropriate opportunity arises?

It's hard to say what he's telling you but it sounds like if someone should call him, he'd say you're a good worker but.... and give all sorts of little things that you do wrong.

However, you do not have to worry about a possible reference if you already found a job. You can simply discuss to him your transition plans and how to work the 2 weeks.