I'm frustrated and trying to figure out how to deal with this situation without showing how angry I am. I'm resentful I should have to do all this work just to get basic respectful inclusion in what's going on... I've been an IT sysadmin at the same agency for 15+ years. I created and manage most if not all the infrastructure that enables most of what people can do: servers, networking, firewall, software, etc. I work a lot by myself but I never felt excessively left out until this year.

This January we got a new boss/supervisor/whatever it's called, who works in his own agency site 2+ hours away and comes to my agency once every 2 weeks. Previous boss quit and left a lot of stuff to clear up, sigh.

No, it's not optimal.


  1. He's spoken to me in person only 2 times, once the first day he was here, once to summon me to answer some questions, and once on the phone to try unsuccessfully to help me with something (this phone call was in January before I realized he was avoiding me).
  2. I have seen him meeting with other people or looking intently at a notebook screen.
  3. He does respond to emails...approvals and the like.
  4. I am also one of the only disabled people working in this agency -- I'm deaf/HH and use a hearing aid to communicate but I can usually pass for Hearing in a 1:1 setting so this should not be an issue...

I am very puzzled and have no idea what's going on and why he's not talking to me, not even to say respectfully, 'What do you do here, how can I help you do better?? -- not even basic management 101 stuff like this.

I am forced to conclude despite my feelings/emotions that I am forced to do all the work to try to fix this up.

*I would appreciate suggestions how to:

  1. not get angry, blow up, whenever I get around to doing anything, so as not to make things worse (e.g. manage my own thoughts/feelings without a lot of vodka every night, lol)
  2. raise the subject, somehow show I feel frustrated, disrespected, ostracized -- or however to put it -- e.g. should I use email?? walk up to him?? ask straight out 'Why are you ostracizing me??'*

Not being fluent in people things, being ND, does not help either. I don't know a lot about how people think and I do realize I have no idea why he's not talking/interacting with me like with other people. I have a lot to contribute and he barely knows what I do or what I can do.

I am frustrated that I have to do this all by myself but it increasingly looks more and more like the only way to preserve my sanity. I need to work another 4.5 years before I can retire...

I feel ostracized (and angry, frustrated) and I don't know why I'm ostracized. I can't think of what I did to offend him or he has some grudge or complaint against/about me or he's planning with others to get rid of me. I can think of a million possible reasons. I don't have anyone here at work to talk with about this, I don't trust anyone for various reasons.

Changing jobs is not an option.

Thank you. :)

  • 1
    Why is changing jobs not an option? (not saying that's the solution but why is this option limited?)
    – Seth R
    May 3, 2021 at 18:50
  • 3
    @Parkaboy, Does your boss think that you are doing a good job now ? That is the most important thing. If he is happy with your performance, then maybe he does not communicate with you very often because he is too busy with other tasks... ? May 3, 2021 at 18:53
  • 1
    Give him or her some time. You've been there for decades. S/He's basically still brand-new. Don't assume that you are actually reading him correctly. May 3, 2021 at 19:03
  • 4
    What about the hypothesis that you are doing a good job and your boss feels no need to assist or direct you in any way yet? May 3, 2021 at 19:04
  • 2
    1. How many direct reports does he have? (Approximately) 2. Did you seek and get passed over for a promotion?
    – Damila
    May 3, 2021 at 21:15

2 Answers 2


The vast majority of your post is irrelevant.

From what I can gather, you have a new manager who doesn't have much contact with you but appears to have regular contact with his other directs?

Have you scheduled a 1:1 with your manager? This should be your first step. Ask him how he is settling in and ask him what you can to do help him. Don't accuse him or even mention being ostracized. It's just a friendly chat to try to get to know him better and offer your help.

As for getting angry and blowing up... I think that's a bit premature. Why don't you try initiating the conversation first and see how it goes. Maybe he will respond well.


Talk to your manager, and then talk to HR if your manager doesn't fix it.

Firstly, it's possible that your new manager is unaware that you're deaf, and isn't deliberately discriminating against you. However, the first thing you should do is to ask to hold a meeting with your manager explicitly about your disability. During this meeting, you would want to discuss any accommodations that you require as a result of your disability, as well as the fact that your manager's behavior has caused you to feel discriminated against.

With luck, the manager's behavior hasn't been deliberate discrimination, and he will correct his behavior to stop the discrimination against you following this meeting. If he does not, then document every instance of this, and book an appointment with HR to discuss your disability and your manager's discriminatory behavior. HR is not your friend; their job is not to champion your interests. However, it is their job to protect the interests of the business, and that includes protecting the business against managers whose behavior can cause the business to be served discrimination lawsuits by former employees.

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