So many Red Flags - prepare your plan B.
Despite record profits we got no Christmas bonus or CoLA (despite record inflation in my area), let alone legitimate raises.
A huge red flag that your company is greedy beyond any sanity. In my experience this is most likely to happen when a take-over is being sought by management (i.e. someone else take's over the company) or when venture capitalists are planning to bail. They could be planning out-sourcing work. Something like that may be on the cards and if it is it's quite common for redundancies to follow those events.
Something to think about. Look for other signs.
I spoke to my boss about a raise, saying that I at least need CoLA to maintain my quality of life.
His response was that because accounting hired my wife, the company has given my "household" a $50K raise.
That's just so far off the deep end we're practically on the sea floor. It's an appalling response.
I replied that we're talking about my salary for my work, and my wife's salary for my wife's work is irrelevant.
You are correct and it should under no circumstances have been mentioned by your boss. Well done on stating that to your boss.
Also, it should be noted that I'm the only one left on my team, everyone else quit and it is taking months to hire.
This is another sign that things are not as they seem. People have left and people are not coming in means that there may actually be a company wide problem.
Note this situation means you would, under normal circumstances, have an extremely strong bargaining position for a raise well above cost of living. Yet they are offering nothing !
It's probably time to get your CV in order and checking out other options.
He got angry that I was being "entitled" and ended the call
Just conformation that he has no options and no plan B. And, for the record, you are, under those conditions, "entitled" to seek more money for your work as they need you.
I really think something may be going on beyond they manager's control and possibly even beyond his knowledge. You (and your wife) need to investigate other options as there are possible signs here that this company may have serious changes coming.