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When doing conversations about critical feedback to others the approach that I know is optimal and most books recommend is using a tentative language, state the point in a factual and non justmental way, ask the other person's perspective and if there is some other explanation that they know and we don't.
Usually this works well, but I have encountered a particular case where it does not.
What happens is that an input such as the following:

I have noticed that X happened on these specific occasions with Y impact. This makes me think that there is the possibility that you might not be paying attention to important details of the work assignment but I could be wrong. I am interested in hearing your perspective on this. Am I missing something perhaps?

What happens is that the person condences it to "you are not paying attention" and the whole context is discarded. The person actually said to someone else that I literally said "you are not paying attention".
I was wondering if others have encountered this kind of reaction and if I am doing something wrong

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    How is "you might not be paying attention" non-judgemental?
    – Thorbjørn Ravn Andersen
    Jun 7, 2022 at 22:27
  • "Usually this works well, but I have encountered a particular case where it does not" - You state that this is a particular case with one person. Perhaps the issue is this person, and not your approach? Not everybody is receptive to feedback... or perhaps is an indication that your approach needs to be softened/modified a bit if you wish to make it more universally acceptable.
    – DarkCygnus ♦
    Jun 7, 2022 at 22:28
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    @smith That's a very good question. Don't you see it is judgmental?! I would probably just say something like I have noticed that X happened on these specific occasions with Y impact. Do you have an idea why this happens?
    – Thorbjørn Ravn Andersen
    Jun 7, 2022 at 22:35
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    Not sure what textbook you've been reading, but it's not a very good one if it suggests that claiming coworkers are careless. For many people, they can tolerate the suggestion that they may have made a mistake, but the suggestion they are inattentive to details is almost an attack on character.
    – Gregory Currie
    Jun 8, 2022 at 6:31
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    It comes over as judgemental and manipulative. "You are not paying attention" = judgemental, and all the fluff around it is manipulative. Some people react to the manipulation worse than the to you being judgemental. Personally, I'd take you apart (figuratively speaking).
    – gnasher729
    Jun 8, 2022 at 15:03

3 Answers 3

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I have noticed that X happened on these specific occasions with Y impact. This makes me think that there is the possibility that you might not be paying attention to important details of the work assignment but I could be wrong. I am interested in hearing your perspective on this. Am I missing something perhaps?

Replace the stricken text with questions about the details. Dig into those details and use the questions to get the individual to bring the information to light. You'll either get ownership or excuses, and either way you'll have a way to proceed. With ownership, you follow with "what's next?". With excuses, you identify them as such and question a little deeper.

Also, don't use "but". It's a negating conjuction. It refutes the initial clause. "And" is additive. It builds on the initial clause to achieve a more positive presentation of the issue at hand.

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I have noticed that X happened on these specific occasions with Y impact. This makes me think that there is the possibility that you might not be paying attention to important details of the work assignment but I could be wrong. I am interested in hearing your perspective on this. Am I missing something perhaps?

You are telling them you basically already made up your mind. It was their fault. They may now start finding excuses and presenting them to you and you will not believe them anyway.

The whole paragraph is judgemental and not solution oriented. Even if you take out your judgemental part, it is still about whose fault it is.

I have noticed that X happened on these specific occasions with Y impact. What can we do to make sure that doesn't happen again?

Now, you are looking for a solution with an open mind. Not for someone to blame with a default already set.

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  • The answer is helpful. What is it exactly that conveys that i have already made up my mind? In reality I really haven't but apparently it is not obvious at all
    – smith
    Jun 12, 2022 at 10:04
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You can never expect a person to accept feedback, nor can you control their reaction to it.

Feedback needs to be presented as a gift to the recipient, not something the giver needs the receiver to hear. Quality feedback means "here is something I'd like you to know about yourself, do with it as you will." Back in my old touchy-feely orgainization, the phrase was always "there are 3 things you can do with feedback," with the unsaid assumption that one of those things is to discard it (the other two are accept but not act on it, and third is accept and act). Further, feedback that was not requested is much less likely to be accepted.

Feedback is not part of the accountability loop (Set expecations, observe results, follow-up - begin again). The accountability loop is about behaviors. "These things have happened, and I need you to take action to have them not happen again."

When you provide feedback, the person always gets to choose whether or not to accept it. You also can't control their reaction to the feedback. You have found a person who reacted negatively to your feedback. Let's be clear, you are telling them they aren't paying attention but are trying to be nice about it. There probably isn't a way to tell someone this and not have it not be seen as negative. So that's it. Don't tell someone "it seems like you might not be paying attention to important details" and expect them to not hear "you aren't paying attention." If you want them to stop missing things, tell them to stop missing things.

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