Manager (M) of 15 years at Company got promoted the day I started about a year ago. Had I interviewed with M, I would have never taken this job. M is unashamedly curt, abrasive, impatient, and condescending.
To give some insight into their behavior with teammates, M:
- scoffs or sighs loudly while reading what I assume to be emails or reviewing code. A lot. Constant sighs throughout the day, everyday.
- will occasionally say out loud, "What the fuck? Why are they doing this?!" while reading what I assume to be emails or reviewing code
- In public, surrounded by other working colleagues, sometimes when a direct report answers a question M asks, M will respond, "Who cares?.... Who cares?!?!".
- has no problem sighing at your answers to their questions.
- is condescending to sister teams/orgs. For example in a code review, once told another developer M was accusing of causing a bug, "Sometimes its difficult to tell you're the one causing the bug when it's your own code."
But then there are my personal grievances, M:
lectures. For a long time. You might be lucky to get 3 minutes out of a 30 minute 1:1 to try and get questions or resolutions on things of your concern. I walk out of every meeting with my blood pressure spiked because I just got an earful for 27 minutes.
repeats platitudes. Loves to say, "Have you seen the show House? Everybody Lies. You can't trust what other teams tell you or what the documents say. You need to follow the code." I've heard this many times, told to myself or to colleagues at their desk.
when I "follow the code", I get a 20 minute lecture about how we shouldn't spend much time reading code. We should "experiment. fail fast. put code in prod"
if I "fail fast" I get a 25 minute lecture that I need to dive further into the code before asking for a review, even though I haven't submitted a single bug yet and have been praised by coworkers for my code quality and improvements to our infrastructure
Will jump into code reviews other senior devs just started discussing by saying, "We have bigger fish to fry, move on."
micromanages. As as example, once was uninvitedly looking over my shoulder while I was drafting a data pipeline with a flexible UI tool to interrupt me with instructs to,"make drafts on whiteboards first."
cannot answer, "What is going well that you'd like to see more of?" Will start to, but then gets sidetracked by ranting into a critique.
Now that I am at my one year mark, I am losing my resolve to sit quietly and be finger wagged during every interaction. When I noticed M's toxicity during my first weeks at Company, I promised myself I'd try to just understand M better. Maybe M would come around.
I cannot make the right choice by M. I am so tired and anxiety ridden from lectures over the smallest decisions that I am getting choice paralysis in my day-to-day work. I've been in the industry nearly 10 years and I've never felt this way before. I dread the day of our 1:1s and its gotten to a point where I will submit code that I don't support because I am so tired of conflict with M. I won't even bother discussing or asking M questions because I'm a nervous wreck around M.
How can I put all of this delicately to the Skip manager in our next 1:1?