30

I am not a native English speaker. So, I'm pretty sure I'll be misinterpreted. So, I want to clarify. By buddies, I mean colleagues who are nice.

I work in an office where no colleagues are nice to me. They don't call me to Lunch. I even asked them to call me when going for lunch(by call me, I mean we are in same room, just remind me if I'm in work), but still they didn't do that. That really took a toll on my self esteem.

I already am an introverted person that too with some flavor of social anxiety. So, it's really tough for me. But it's not like nobody likes me anywhere.

So, I wonder is it a valid reason to quit my job because nobody likes me?

Update: Colleagues are of similar age to me. Generally 3+ years older than me. I am new to work. Even in college days, I sat alone in last bench because nobody wanted to sit with me and I didn't want to sit with those who didn't want to sit with me.

I guess I'm the problem? But it's not like nobody is nice to me here. There are few interns who're nice to me. But from established colleagues, I just feel hostility and unwelcome. People go to lunch in group here. Are there countries in the world which welcome individualism? I would love to migrate there if possible. My country makes fun of individualistic individuals.

3
  • 1
    Comments have been moved to chat; please do not continue the discussion here. Before posting a comment below this one, please review the purposes of comments. Comments that do not request clarification or suggest improvements usually belong as an answer, on The Workplace Meta, or in The Workplace Chat. Comments continuing discussion may be removed.
    – Kilisi
    Jul 20, 2023 at 6:25
  • 2
    Reposting this request for clarification as it was moved in error: Is this actually the sort of place where people go to lunch together habitually? (Background/reason for asking: In some places it's common, in others only for a special occasion as a whole team. In many places some groups who would be friends if they met outside work go to lunch together quite often, others don't.)
    – Chris H
    Jul 20, 2023 at 14:00
  • 2
    If you want you could post another question either here or in the stack "interpersonal skills" explicitly asking for advice on how to make friends in the workplace, giving more details to your personality and what kind of friendship you are looking for. As it stands this question has a mix of answers, since it is about the job market as well as making friends.
    – Falco
    Jul 20, 2023 at 14:23

8 Answers 8

45

So, in somewhat contrast to the other answer...

So, I wonder is it a valid reason to quit my job because nobody likes me?

It can be.

I don't put a whole lot of stock in the typical HR buzzword speak of 'Company Culture' - but there is an underlying truth - sometimes - people don't 'fit' well within an organization.

This is nothing to do with their capabilities as a worker, but there's some fundamental mismatch between them and the existing staff.

In which case, yes - it can be a valid reason.

It depends a lot on how in-demand your skills are, how easy it would be for you to find another job etc.

If you have a highly desirable skillset and you could literally walk in to another job tomorrow - then if you aren't happy in the office, move elsewhere.

Whereas if it's a tighter job market or there aren't many openings, then I would suggest you use the suggestions made by Job_September_2020

2
  • 5
    While I agree with the “it can be” starting point of your answer, it’s valuable to add that an introvert with social anxiety may have a hard time in any office if they just expect their colleagues to become buddies without any input from themselves. Sometimes it’s not the organisation, it’s the employee…
    – AsheraH
    Jul 19, 2023 at 14:14
  • I would also add - one can probably start looking for other opportunities without quitting their current job. It doesn't hurt to look around if there are maybe companies where there is a completely different atmosphere.
    – Falco
    Jul 20, 2023 at 14:29
15

Is not having buddies a good reason to quit workplace?

No.

You should be able to learn to stand up for yourself while making good friends at work. Don't let this environment isolate you.

Here are a few things you could probably try:

  1. Try to improve your soft skills. You should try to find creative ways get along with your coworkers and find good buddies. Talk to them about sports, music, videos, new mobile apps, social events,... Basically, find common interests to talk to people about.
  2. Try to be friendly and helpful or even go an extra step to help team mates who need some extra help to finish work by deadline may be a good way to make friends.
  3. Another thing is that, in the long run, if you do a great technical job or excel at work, you will earn respect, and people will come to you to ask for help from time to time. This is also a good time to make friends while helping them.
3
  • 45
    May I suggest "No" -> "Not as first step". Because it can very well be a very good reason to quit. But as your answer correctly points out, there are things you can do first.
    – Martijn
    Jul 19, 2023 at 12:50
  • 9
    Your colleagues are often the people you spend most time with throughout the day, so factoring in your social well-being whether to stay at a job or not makes perfect sense. Furthermore, insisting on trying to become friends with people who are clearly not interested or even antagonistic could possibly make things worse for OP.
    – Perry
    Jul 19, 2023 at 16:09
  • 1
    I think the points you mention are good starters to improve interpersonal relationships, but there are also work environments which make this harder or easier. For example I've worked with companies where a lot of developers were very shy and mostly gamers, and management was supporting this by making team events which fit the employees, and rather spend an afternoon gaming at the office instead of drinking beer in a public bar. So it probably wouldn't hurt to look around if another workplace is more in line with their expectations of kinship.
    – Falco
    Jul 20, 2023 at 14:27
12

Even in college days, I sat alone in last bench because nobody wanted to sit with me and I didn't want to sit with those who didn't want to sit with me.

This behavioural pattern here seems to be your core issue. You expect people to cater to you. I have known people with this exact mindset, and similar to you they were miserable until they realized how to change their behaviour. If your colleagues go to lunch, instead of seething about not being invited, just go to lunch 2-3 minutes after them and ask if you might join them. Show interest in your colleagues. If you happen to hear about somebodys hobby, inquire about it. Important: don't feign interest, be actually interested.

As for your question if this is a valid reason to quit - there is no real standard for validity. If it bothers you enough, you can of course quit. Of course you'd be wise to keep that reason to yourself.

8

So, I wonder is it a valid reason to quit my job because nobody likes me?

Validity is in the eye of the beholder. If it bothers you enough, then it's a perfectly reasonable reason to leave.

First, find your next job.

Consider some way before accepting an offer to determine if people at your new employer will like you. I'm not sure how you can do that, but I've had success in the past with asking to speak to my potential peers at some point during the interview process. Perhaps that would work for you.

Then get and accept an offer, give your notice, work your notice period, start your new job and put this one behind you.

Remember, you can have a new chance to make a good first impression. Try to temporarily put your introversion and anxiety behind you and project a frindly persona. People tend to be friendly with friendly people.

1
  • 2
    +1 for meeting your future peers and talking with them before accepting an offer. Usually you can also get a good indication by the vibes you get from your future manager, if they can easily embrace your personality there is a good chance someone similar is in their staff - and if they can't connect with you, they are probably surrounded by very different people.
    – Falco
    Jul 20, 2023 at 14:31
7

Is not having buddies a good reason to quit workplace?

If this is a symptom of deeper issues then it's certainly a reason to evaluate oneself.

Overall, it doesn't sound like anyone is explicitly mean to you. Am I correct?

They don't call me to Lunch. I even asked them to call me when going for lunch(by call me, I mean we are in same room, just remind me if I'm in work), but still they didn't do that.

Depending on social context this sounds like it was a mistake. Eating food is not a common interest to spark friendship. Trying to interject oneself into a lunch can be unappealing.

You need to find common interests outside of food and then lunch will be more natural.

So, I wonder is it a valid reason to quit my job because nobody likes me?

I think this assessment is false.


There are lots of people in my office which don't call me to lunch and there are just as many people who I don't call to lunch. You'll learn that you vibe with certain people better than others and over time lunch will just come naturally.

5
  • I'm scared I'll never vibe with anyone with how I'm going. I'm on therapy as well(I forced myself to it due to my inability to create close friends, mild social anxiety). I work in IT. Jul 19, 2023 at 14:58
  • @zeeshanseikh Do you have any non-IT hobbies or TV shows you like to watch?
    – MonkeyZeus
    Jul 19, 2023 at 15:02
  • The sad thing is I've no hobbies that I'm good at. I'm trying to learn singing atm. I like to watch shows but only bollywood shows, but all of them watch hollywood. Most of my time is dedicated on learning. My life is purely boring. Jul 19, 2023 at 15:04
  • 3
    @zeeshanseikh Are there any work-coordinated activities like fun-runs, picnics, or volunteer work you could participate in? Just so you know, people who are really good at something are usually a chore to talk to. Talking about things you like which you might not be good at allows for people to add to your conversation and feel involved.
    – MonkeyZeus
    Jul 19, 2023 at 15:06
  • Asking intelligent questions about a topic someone else likes and is good at can be a good starter for kinship in the workplace. People like talking about what they are good at, if someone else is also trying to get better and ask relevant questions, they will usually like to talk to them and explain how they learned to do it.
    – Falco
    Jul 20, 2023 at 14:35
6

In my experience, the working atmosphere can be very, very different, depending on the employer. At my first two jobs, I was very unhappy because I felt I did not fit in. I was even bullied. Of course I thought it was me, as I am an introvert myself. But then I found another employer, and the situation was a completely different one. People were friendly, and I was respected just as I am.

Since then, I have had another job where I was an outsider, and two others where I perfectly fitted in. It really depends.

So yes, feeling uncomfortable is a valid reason to change jobs. Start looking for a new job, and as soon as you have one, move on and don't look back.

3
  1. There is no need to tell anyone why you are leaving the job.
    If you don't like it there and you can afford to leave, then leave.
  2. The more you will change jobs like that, the harder you will get new position because too many short-term contracts is a warning sign, so be careful.
  3. If you can, try to work with some coach or therapist on your anxiety (to reduce it) and your assertiveness (to improve it).
  4. Be appropriately initiative. In case of lunch don't ask "Call me when you are about to go for the lunch" but rather "When are you about to go for a lunch? At 12, you say? OK can we meet at 11:55 by the elevator?"
  5. When rejected, don't take it personally (yet). Who knows why the other didn't want to go with you. Maybe they are not in the mood, maybe they are to go with their S.O.,... Try asking some other day.
1

Try to find a way to rely on yourself and find strength inside yourself to follow your own wishes and play your own game, cultivate self-confidence; let this self-confidence rely on how you treat yourself, not how others treat you. Do not outsource your self-confidence on an environment around you.

As regards to the team, listen to yourself carefully and ask yourself what is really important to you. If you feel you like what you do at work, you may want to stay at your current job. If you feel what you do at work is less important than a kind team around you, you'd probably be better off quitting your current job and finding another one with a good team.

Also, try to stay kind to people you work with regardless of how they treat you. This is a good exercise that helps you become stronger and build a better relationship with yourself.

Try to distinguish between being kind and nice (in short, smiles, words and promises vs. real actions, real support and help, despite a e.g. grumpy face). Do not be overly nice to people, but try to be kind instead. You may be better off accepting people the way they are (hard thing to do, but worth doing) without feeling anger or hatred for them not treating you in a nice way. Unfortunately, nice treatment does not always mean kind treatment. Allow for people to behave the way they are; this way learning people can become an interesting movie. In addition, try not to have any expectations from people, do not try to fit them into your own standards – instead learn having fun by following your own standards yourself, and by loving yourself. And the word love is a verb – do good things for yourself.

The more you practice self-love, the easier you find friends, people who treat you in a kind way and a spouse.

Finding people who'd be kind and affectionate to you is a difficult thing, for everybody. But it's for sure worth the effort, and this thousand-mile journey starts from finding peace with yourself.

Hope this helps you.

Wishing you a very good luck and believe everything is going to be well!

2
  • 2
    I mean I don't know where you got this text, but it wouldn't look out of place in like a Happinezz magazine about mindfulness and yoga and whatnot. What is your concrete advice for the asker?
    – CodeCaster
    Jul 20, 2023 at 12:11
  • I disagree with previous comment. This is pretty good advice. Just because it is more about inner attitude than concrete behaviour, doesn't mean it is no advice or bad advice. Aug 30, 2023 at 19:54

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged .