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I had a very toxic and narcissistic "manager" in my past role. He joined as a senior although other people including me had more experience than him; and soon after, due to lack of enough surveillance, he gave himself the title of manager. (Not exaggerating. The team was small and the company was midsized. This person directly convinced the CEO saying how important he is for the team and then went to the HR and promoted himself). This person threw a lot of jargons and did even more flattery, did nothing on his own because he lacked the skill, delegated literally everything and asked for help to do even the smallest tasks only to put himself in the focus when the stakeholder meetings happened. Also was so narcissistic that he could never see his fault even when team members directly complained to him and vented their frustrations. The reply was "I don't understand why they were mad with me; I would like to think I did my best to be a better manager." I guess the flattery and smooth-talking served only himself and no one else and many would say that he did whatever was needed to climb the stairs.

However, I was the person he took most advantage of since I was the most reliable person who had to clean up or step in everything he messed up. In return, he recruited a fresher who hung out with him before joining, in a senior role which was mine to get. He told me I have a long way to go to be a senior. I sucked it up and carried on. He got fired soon after a change in the leadership. I left the company sometime later. Since then he had been bothering me on personal messages, LinkedIn and what not. In the beginning after I tried in vain to ignore his repeated messages and calls, he was practically begging to connect with him so that he can discuss how I am doing in job search, only to talk about how hard it has been for him to find a job and if I can help him with explaining the projects that "he worked on" so that he can explain it better to his recruiters. I refused and he went for a while. Then again came back after few months with a proposition of collaboration (he said we can collaborate where I could teach him my tools of the trade). I told him very respectfully he should ask the people who have been benefited from his support for help. He did not get the hint. Then again after few months, he started nagging me on LinkedIn to ask why we are not connected, and if we had a falling out. I can not believe the audacity and the stupidity. Is it worth letting him know why he is being ignored or should I continue ignoring? I'm afraid his narcissistic brain will not understand why he has been shunned.

UPDATE: Blocked this bloke everywhere. Hope this goes away.

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    If he was so toxic why didn’t you just block him on social media, once you realized, you wanted both to do with the individual?
    – Donald
    Jan 16 at 23:38
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    Cut him off completely. There is no need to explain anything. He's not going to listen anyway. Jan 16 at 23:52
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    @X5010 - I would have blocked this individual while they were my supervisor if I thought they were toxic. Of course I keep my social media accounts private so my supervisor can’t contact me on any sort of social media.
    – Donald
    Jan 16 at 23:56
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    There is no value in retaining a LinkedIn connection to anyone whom you don't especially want to talk to, or whom you don't especially want others to talk to. Connections without mutual respect/support are worth a great deal less than LinkedIn and its acolytes pretend. Block and be done with.
    – keshlam
    Jan 17 at 1:35
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    @X5010- How exactly would they know they are blocked? I have been a professional programmer for 15 years. I never have used really used LinkedIn. LinkedIn is a social media platform…
    – Donald
    Jan 17 at 2:44

3 Answers 3

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Just block him. You have nothing to lose by cutting ties and owe him nothing.

4

Amends are made when you have violated your values, you realize what you did wrong, and you want to repair your side of the relationship. Amends are always made out of strength, not weakness.

In this case, you have not violated your values. No amends are needed.

Having boundaries against toxic people is good. Self-protection is good. When dealing with toxic people, you may need use forceful boundaries up to and possibly including using deadly force in those very, very rare conditions to protect yourself and the ones you love. That level is not needed here. But blocking this person is a good self-protection boundary.

3

You're right; he isn't getting the hint.

You can choose any of the following:

  1. Let him continue to nag you.
  2. Explain your opinion of him, to him.
  3. Remove contact on social media.

Each of these choices have pros and cons; I would personally argue that options two or three would be better than sitting in the same situation you're in, since it sounds like you'd like some change.

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