How can I stop my supervisor sharing her emotional baggage?

Question

I work in the US. I started a new job two weeks ago. I found out my supervisor had just been made supervisor, and she had worked in a non-management capacity for six years. She is the one directly training me. We have been sitting beside each other daily, and she has been showing me the ropes, which is excellent. But she's a talker, and I notice she over-shares her personal information. This makes me a little uncomfortable. I don't mind light chit-chatting, but she does it on a deeper level. For example, she told me she used to cry a lot, and she takes an antidepressant (she told me the name of the medication). She told me the unkind words her mother told her on her deathbed, and she talked a lot about an ex-boyfriend who mistreated her. These are just a few things she has told me. She gives personal info during the training, so I am a captive audience.

I never solicited any information. I want to learn the job so I can be independent. So I need her to teach me. She seems unstable in sharing too much for someone with a supervisory role. I am not her friend. She holds my job evaluation in her hands.

How do I tell her I don't want to hear what I deem inappropriate for our work relationship and not jeopardize her willingness to train me? Somehow, I feel that acknowledging her personal information is tied to her continuing to train me properly.

Answer 1

Your supervisor obviously feels comfortable sharing all her emotional issues with you and to look for support in you. This means she seems to like and trust you to some extend, which is good. Some people will open up very fast to other people and have little issue in sharing things with relative strangers that other people wouldn't tell their closest friends. This obviously makes you feel uncomfortable. Understandable, not everybody can deal with emotional baggage from strangers.

In my experience the best way to react to an emotional reaction is with an empathetic reply that expresses your own emotions. In this case you're feeling overwhelmed with the emotional outbursts of her and you don't know how to handle this. So tell her that in a matter showing appreciation for the fact that she trusts you.

In this case if she overshares again I would say something along the lines of "Helen, thank you for feeling so comfortable around me that you're able to share this with me. But I feel a bit overwhelmed with this and don't know how to deal with this. Can we talk about something else?". And then maybe you can suggest a topic that she likes talking about, maybe a hobby of her, that you also feel comfortable talking about or best case also like conversing about.

This does not blame her but instead you convey your own emotional state to her. By showing that you're willing to talk about other small talk subjects you can show her that you do value talking with her and you value her as a person. And you can keep and build up a personal but professional relationship on a level that is comfortable to you.

I would avoid sentences like "this is not professional", "lets keep it professional" etc. They all can feel accusatory and they will feel cold and not understanding and could very well make things awkward between you and damage your relation.

Answer 2

Tricky.

The supervisors behavior is indeed unprofessional but it's difficult to point this out without stepping on their toes.

I would first try to be as boring and non-responsive as possible. Many over-sharers are looking for some sort of emotional responses, acknowledgement or validation. Don't give it. Avoid eye contact, stare blankly into space, review the training in your head, don't say anything. Do avoid any type of verbal acknowledgement or encouragement. Even "I see" or "aha" are out of bounds. Don't even go near "that must have felt terrible".

The key here is to be friendly and engaged when talking about work stuff but become the world's worst listener when unwanted sharing happens. With any lucky the supervisor will either get the message or eventually tire of talking at a wall.

There are ways to slowly escalate this if need be. Take your phone out and check messages, start doing something on the computer, interrupt with a work o or training related question, etc.

If none of this works, and you can't make your peace with just tuning it out, you need to address it head on

Hey, I really like working with you and enjoy our training sessions, but I found a lot of the personal information you share with me to be very distracting. I think I could concentrate and focus a lot better if we stick mainly to work related stuff

This will put stress on your relationship but at this point that's unavoidable and you have to decide what is more important to you.

Answer 3

Zoom out every week

Week ending Friday June 7

Let's zoom out for a moment, friend. For the greater good of a win-win while there's luxury in the time that you still have and while you still have patience and excitement for this brand new job. (Congrats, by the way).

---

Unchanging Truths

(What we know for sure)

1. You are an at-will employee with status Onboarding assigned to a supervisor with six years of seniority over your two-week tenure at a company you both rely on for a living, today.
2. You are to absorb knowledge from your supervisor in order to be effective at your job for the greater success of the company with you in its future.

Your question

(quick zoom-in for the end-in-mind)

How do I tell her I don't want to hear what I deem inappropriate for our work relationship and not jeopardize her willingness to train me?

Your Amazing Week One

(why you both did well and why you should be celebrated — thus far)

1. "she has been showing me the ropes, which is excellent."
2. "I want to learn the job so I can be independent. So I need her to teach me"

The Only Answer today

Don't.

Don't tell her anything. It is too soon: it's your third week, you are too new; another week comes sooner than you think, and a week is new every time. Focus on the job and you doing it, and (if you have to) look only for the impression of one other person: yourself a week from now. Your supervisor is not the only colleague you'll labor over sitting next to whether you're agreeable together, in silence or apart. Go above you nerve, each time: land it for your own future at this company, hitting (closer to) your mark for week 4, and weekly on.

If you adopt this approach for week-four onwards and it helps you successfully complete one stage (onboarder) of your (to-be) long-term tenure at the company where you will eventually have a title prefixed to your name: Well done, I tip my hat to you, and carry on.

If you adopt this approach next week and you make it to week-eight and it's insufferable; I promise you, by then you will have more resources at your disposal from which insight—surrounding you, your question and/or answers for you/it—can only be gained.

Until then, do not jeopardize your new professional relationship with a human who, today, happens to have the keys to the knowledge you need in order to move along the path before you in the only successful direction: Forward.

Answer 4

The crucial question is whether you are losing time in your training. It's pretty normal to talk about other stuff in the workplace (we are human after all and an healthy dose of chit chatting is definitely helpful), but within a reasonable extent and without lowering the productivity. So, if the problem is just the topic, I'd suggest to let it ride without further action. She is not offending you or anyone, you can safely pretend you are listening and nothing will happen.

On the other hand, if your training is slowed down by that, you need to give your honest feedback. I wouldn't cite directly that the problem is the topic (because it's not by itself; the problem is that you are losing time), but would say something like:

Hey Manager, I'm really enjoying our training sessions and feel I am learning a lot! However, I also feel that sometimes we might be more focused. There are a lot of things I would love to learn and maybe in some occasions we had long breaks and lost focus on the topic. I'd really love to make the most effective use of your limited time so I could be more independent as possible when the training will end.

Answer 5

I know this is not the answer you want to hear, but have you just considered listening to the woman’s problems?

I know providing pseudo therapy sessions is probably not what you signed up for, but if providing it gets you ahead in life then it might be prudent just to be the person in-session you happen to be.

I know in a perfect world this type of personal exchange in the workplace is probably not ideal and a case can be made for it being unprofessional. But the benign nature of the request of just using one’s ears may make those inclined with ears to just do it.

Especially if it is oiling the cogs of an otherwise productive training regime.

Now granted you are going to have to make it clear that you are not a therapist and a lot of times your response is going to be that this discussion is really something she should discuss with her therapist.

Generally though the women folk don't discuss their problems with us men with the intention of us fixing it for them.

You should be feeling good that people are comfortable enough in your presence that they are willing to divulge deeply personal parts of their lives. You must have a casual non-threatening demeanor for this to happen. Especially with a woman. Definitely consider that a win.

Answer 6

This has the makings of a hostile work environment. The boss is in a position of authority over OP, and basically bullying OP into the position of shouldering all her emotional problems. One shouldn't have to wake up each morning with a sense of dread for when the boss comes by.

That said, OP could have a frank conversation with the boss about being uncomfortable listening to all the details of the woman's personal life. Boundaries! If such a conversation is untenable, then it might be time to involve HR, and to specifically mention "bullying" or "hostile work environment".