Is it better to show fake sympathy to maintain a good atmosphere?

Question

I'm at a point where I can't eat with my colleagues anymore. All they talk about is gossip or bad-mouthing the bosses. The bad-mouthing often turns out to be false later on, like a few days or weeks later.

I don't like their gossip because they tend to be slanderous towards former colleagues or condescending towards their targets.

I'm more of a discreet person. I only engage in conversations when I know it's something interesting or where others can learn something; otherwise, I keep my thoughts to myself.

Initially, I tried to be part of the team. However, as time passed and I stopped taking breaks with them, they started excluding me from discussions. For example, they created a Slack channel to chat among themselves without including me. When I had to take a break due to a health problem, nobody asked how I felt when I returned, nor did anyone inquire about what happened.

As a result, I've isolated myself. This isolation leads me into a negative loop where I feel like I'm not part of the team, and they respond by looking at me angrily or giving me cold silences when I enter a room.

I need to stay in this job due to financial difficulties, but I'm actively looking for another job. In the meantime, how should I behave? Should I continue trying to fit in with them, even though it drains me and might not be sustainable, just for a slightly better environment? Or should I focus solely on my job and wait for another opportunity? Is there something else I haven't considered?

I appreciate any insights you might have.

Answer 1

Should I continue trying to fit in with them, even though it drains me and might not be sustainable, just for a slightly better environment?

Unfortunately I'd say that ship has sailed. My experience of these kinds of groups (not only in the workplace) is that once you're out, you're out. As such I personally would not put any more time in to trying to get along with them.

Possible options:

1. Befriend other people from other parts of the business who are are a better fit for you.
2. It may be possible to transfer to another team. Depending on how your relationship with your boss is, you could discuss this with them but be wary of their existing relationship with these people.
3. The thing you're already doing - job hunting!

Ultimately, there is nothing more important than your mental health and wellbeing, protect this as much as possible however you can. If not for the money concerns, my advice would have been to get out as fast as possible. If this drags on, it may be worth looking at again.

Genuinely, I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

Avoid!

Eventually you become like the people you surround yourself with. Forget about getting along, actively maintain the distance, and consider this act as an investment and effort in making yourself a better person.

Also, at the risk of being philosophical, let me add, being alone and being lonely are two different things, and most of the times, these two scenarios are not even remotely connected. If staying away from negative people at workplace makes you alone, you should be happy about it, as I said - consider this as an effort to make yourself a better person. Focus on your job, get your paycheck, get out - a workplace is rarely a place to make friends.

Go ahead, you'll find new job, new friends and new people who'll definitely be better than this. All the best, my friend.

Answer 3

Additionally to the other great answer, I have this idea^*: please do not forget that a job is just a job, and your personal life is at least as important. Try to not find the surrogate "rewards" of personal life at the work place, especially if the work place is not suitable for that. So the bottom line is, at the job you get the money, and in the real life you get the rest of the benefits and satisfaction.

^* From my own experience, unfortunately.

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Is it better to show fake sympathy to maintain a good atmosphere?

Definitely not. Faking anything will label you as a fake, and that is a bad thing for you. Go ahead being respectful, friendly and professional, and do not force yourself into being something that you are not.

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OP wrote in a comment:

I have the feeling that anything I say will be misinterpreted and then used against me.

and this made me realize one thing (I probably need to use this approach too, for different reasons).

Recommendation: try to find a good coach / trainer / psychologist to help you better understand yourself, and to help you better interface with the world around you.

Example: Recently, a colleague told me that he uses this approach (paying a specialist for help) in order to find a way to be able to say "No" when he is given additional work, when he is already overloaded (he is the kind of person that tends to agree to anything with anybody, just because he wants to please everyone). I do not know if he succeeded, but it shows that people need to fix the problems inside sometimes, not only the problems outside.

Answer 4

Taking everything at face value: You don't like gossip. Your coworkers do and that's pretty much all they talk about.

→ And as a result of that, you decided to stop joining them on breaks.

→ And as a result of that, they did not include you in an informal slack channel, nor did they ask about your personal life. In addition, there is a hostility towards you.

→ And as a result of that, you feel not part of the team in general.

I wanted to summarize your question because I think the cause and effect is clear: You do not share interests so both you and the team disengaged from each other socially.

This is a problem because socializing at work is important to you, but you would like to do it without compromising your ideals.

From a "professional" standpoint

From a workplace perspective, they should not be hostile to you. No angry stares or cold silences. That is unprofessional. I would confront people directly, in a neutral tone with prompts such as: "Is something wrong?", "Why are you speaking to me in that tone? Do we have a problem?", etc. That may not be effective in changing their behavior, but if they are able to provide what I need for doing my job, then that is as far as I will take it. If it is affecting my ability to do the job then I would escalate if I think my manager will help. Ultimately leaving the job entirely if it does not, which I recognize you are already doing.

However, you should make sure are not misinterpreting things. I myself am prone to this at times. Is the silence "cold" or is no one saying anything because there is nothing to say. Is the stare "angry" or does their face just look like that when they are disinterested

Similarly, excluding you from workplace conversations that you need to be a part of for your job is unprofessional. I would address this by directly talking to them and stating as such, escalating as required to get the my job done.

However, if the conversations that are happening are personal / more gossip, you did indicate to them that you were not interested in that sort of chatter so it reasonable for them to not think to invite you to such a channel.

There is a point at which social exclusion in the workplace can become a part of a hostile workplace. It is considered a form of bullying. I cannot make that judgement in this situation without more information. My impression so far is that your workplace is not hostile; you just aren't socially compatible at the moment.

In short: ask yourself if their behavior is directly impacting your ability to do the work you are assigned. That will (hopefully) gain you the support of the company in resolving those issues. After all, they pay you to work and if other people are making you less effective then they are wasting some of their money.

What to do about the non-professional, social aspects of work

Should I continue trying to fit in with them, even though it drains me and might not be sustainable, just for a slightly better environment?

Yes you should try to fit in because you identified a friendly workplace as something that is important to you. No you should not do so in a way that is not sustainable or leaves you feeling compromised.

Should I focus solely on my job and wait for another opportunity?

This is what I would do by default if I didn't want to spend any energy to solve this problem. And, to me, this is what it means to be a professional: get the job done well, get paid, go home. Your co-workers being civil to you is mandatory; being your friend is a nice bonus.

Is there something else I haven't considered?

Yes:

It is possible your coworkers are "venting" not gossiping. Basically they are sharing their completely unfiltered emotions. As in, they have not checked if it is correct or rational before speaking. That filtering takes effort and they are already exhausted by the situation they are in. And it feels good to just say it out loud and have someone listen. It is a way of coping with stress. If someone is venting, you simply listen. You do not have to agree. You can say things like "That sounds awful", "They sound like terrible people". When they are done you can vent about something you don't like in turn, tell a story about something similar happening to you or move on to another topic entirely. You can try and suggest solutions to those problems but it is very likely they don't want to hear it or the problem is already unsolvable and venting itself is the "solution" they've chosen. Now, some people do vent constantly and it is annoying. However, I find most people are self aware and only do it sometimes.

You do not have to be agreeable to be part of the group. You can push back on almost anything. The manner in which you push back is very important. You'll want to acknowledge and empathize with their situation. Express agreement with that parts that you know are correct, point out what you think is wrong and remain open to the possibility that you may be wrong in what you think as well. Do this with a neutral or jovial tone. If you can crack a few jokes along the way that helps. Keep things "light", this is still the workplace, not a dinner party with your friends or a bar. In short: be curious, not very serious and not judgmental. Make no mistake, for a lot of us, this does not come naturally and is a skill that needs to be practiced over and over.

This is a video with two therapists discussing what I mentioned above with more examples and details. You may find it helpful.

Overall, you have a few more options than you think. This situation might be an opportunity to try experimenting with different solutions. It may work or blow up in your face, but since you're leaving anyway...

Answer 5

If that department is taken over by gossips, there is no good atmosphere that could be maintained. If your management doesn’t fix it (after you give them examples of gossip about themselves), one way is to look for a job elsewhere.

Talking about your hurt feelings isnt going to help with gossips who see “hurting your feelings” as success and validating what you are doing. If you are confident that you find a job elsewhere then you can push back. Like “why are you constantly gossiping? Don’t you have anything good to say about people? And are you too much of a coward to say it to people’s faces?”

Answer 6

Maybe. It is commonly practiced in Japan, it is called "wa".

Wa (和) is a Japanese cultural concept usually translated into English as "harmony". It implies a peaceful unity and conformity within a social group in which members prefer the continuation of a harmonious community over their personal interests.[1][2] The kanji character wa (和) is also a name for "Japan; Japanese"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wa_(Japanese_culture)

Answer 7

Yes, but very likely, your team will suffer. These things don't remain without a consequence, it is only matter of time that you will start to gossip even against each other.

In your case, I would not do that - generally, you want to fight for your job until you can do. The point will happen as you can not any more, then you can switch.