How do I get my family to respect my home office?

Question

I got my current job a few years ago when the company had a second office near my hometown. A few months later they closed that office and offered me the opportunity to work from home instead. I accepted, as their other office is a few hundred km away from me. I have to come in to the physical office less than once a month now, plus the occasional meeting with customers. This means that on 90% of days I can work from home, wake up at about 8-10 because I don't have to drive to my workplace etc. Except for the lack of interaction with coworkers, it's a situation many people would dream of.

But my parents aren't happy with this arrangement. They are harassing me because they have to wake up at 5:00 "like every other normal working person". They continually ask me favours when I am working. It started with things like opening a jar of jam, then getting my smaller sibling from school, mowing the lawn and things that sometimes take four hours or more - all during work hours. I do my best to cover this up from my boss by taking my mobile phone with me in case somebody calls, and doing the work I missed at night instead. When I refuse to do these tasks I get harassed because I don't help at home like my other sibling (who doesn't have a home office so they can't ask him) and because I am "just sitting at home at the computer".

In their eyes they consider me jobless, with nothing to do, gaming all day because they think computers are just for that and that working people don't sit at home in front of the computer all day. Sometimes they even say things like I should get a job. When other people ask them what I do they often say things like that I am just sitting at home all day in front of the computer, sleeping till 10, etc...

How can I get my family and work-life together, and get my family to respect me and my job?

Answer 1

Simple answer - Move Out

Move out. If you don't want to deal with your parents treating you like a child, you might have to move out to make this happen. It sounds like you have been working FT for several years, too, so are likely old enough this could happen.

If you can't afford it currently start saving money like mad to be able to as soon as possible.

For me? Constantly being made to feel guilty/judged by my parents would take me about 2 seconds to start figuring out how I can move out.

Complicated answer - Talk with Parents

Here's the reality. Unless you are paying rent or otherwise financially supporting your parents for the use of your office, you are going to have nearly no leverage in any conversation about this subject.

You need to have a heart to heart with your parents. They are not respecting your work as legitimate work. Them getting up at 5:00am has nothing to do with whether your job is a legitimate job or not. But if they see it that way, that matters. Try to have this not immediately after you turning a request down.

• "Mom, dad, we need to talk regarding my job. I don't feel like you are respecting my work - I work 40 hours a week and need to be able to focus on it. My work is on the computer, but that doesn't mean it isn't work. During the day I am doing X, Y, Z and this means I need to be at my computer. I can't keep skipping work to do household tasks. I would love to do this for you guys but unfortunately my work is suffering when I am skipping work. My job has a much more flexible work schedule and allows me to put my hours in even starting at 10am, and so yes I sleep in later than you but that is only because my job allows it and I prefer that. I feel like you guys have a hard time respecting my job and this is frustrating for me and I do not want to lose my job over this. How can we find a better solution?"

Stop just dancing around the issue. Acknowledge their concerns, namely sleeping in and "messing on the computer" and talk through them directly.

If they aren't receptive to this though, you don't have a whole lot of options unless you are willing and able to move out.

In their eyes this means like being jobless, having nothing to do, gaming all the day because they think computers are just for that and that working people won't sit at home in front of the computer whole day and sometimes even say things like I should get a job.

By the way, this leads me to believe that the complicated answer will fail or not be successful, but if you want to stay at home you still need to try it.

Really complicated - setup home office

From comments it sounds like neither above option is possible. One possibility would be to find space outside your home and rent this as a home office.

It will cost you some for sure but it is a possibility you might want to explore if you are really worried about losing this job or otherwise having family problems.

Depending on where you live this might be more or less an option. Even a library, potentially.

Some countries also have tax benefits for at-home offices. If this is a possibility you might be able to additionally help your parents financially by correctly filing your taxes. Often there are benefits for home offices. Be careful with this, as the rules/regulations may get complicated. It may not help in your specific situation but may others with similar situations.

Answer 2

If you get paid for getting things done and you can get fired for not doing them, then you definitely have a job. And if you have to do them, it's called work.

Tell your family that you do have a job, that the job requires you to complete tasks and that you will lose that job and if you don't complete them. Tell them that if they act as if you don't have a job, then that's what going to happen: you won't have a job, and the money won't come in.

Tell them that you don't want to start your career with a firing if you can avoid it, and that you certainly don't want to have to figure out a way to explain to your next prospective employer how you lost your job with your current employer.

At the same time, since you are working at home, you cannot ignore the fact that you live at home. Any attempt on your part to ignore the fact that you live at home is doomed to abject failure because your family will sure not let you forget.

You need to negotiate a more formal arrangement with your family where you agree to help around the house say on weekends - the mowing can certainly wait until the weekend, for example, because it's not as if the grass will pick and leave if you don't mow it now - and at selected time windows during the day in exchange for working mostly undisturbed during your working hours.

There are family chores that can wait and family chores that can't wait. You should ask for and get flexibility on those family chores that can wait. Never say "No!" to family chores: say "Yes" to those family chores that can't wait e.g. picking up the sibling at 2PM is not optional, and say "It can wait" and specify a delivery time to those family chores that can wait. And make a point of always delivering on those family chores that can wait.

Make sure that you live up to your side of whatever grand bargain you make with la familia. Because if your family is anything like mine, they are ruthless, they know where you live and they know you well enough to hit you where it hurts :)

Note: I have trouble understanding why the same family that makes a point of not disturbing you when you were in your room doing homework after school doesn't understand that you are in your room doing - well, work. This is an inconsistency that I don't get :) If you are going to Hell in the next life, maybe a version of hell for you would be your family saying reproachfully "He is in his room all day playing video games" with you futilely screaming "Mom, I HAVE to play video games! I am a video games designer. THAT'S MY JOB!!!" :)

Answer 3

The obvious answer is saying "I'm working today. I have a job", but it's very likely you've already done it.

It needs to be repeated and even more, demonstrated.

When your parents come home, you should show them the work you've done during the day. Explain, hour-by-hour if need be, your work day. Getting them to understand this, is more likely to get them to understand the importance of your time during these hours.

At the same time, your parents also have jobs. You should also understand that SOMEONE has to pick up your sibling from school or whatever. One of you may have to skip work early that day, and it should be fair. Not always you, and not always them.

On a more meta-subject, you might want to consider moving out, but I have no information with which to judge whether or not your income is sufficient.

Answer 4

If you intend to stay, and you should if the room and board are inexpensive, then you need to learn to say no. Here are a few ways to do it:

"I'm sorry, I can't help you right now, I'm in the middle of a task." Optionally end this with, "I can help you in 20-30 minutes though." Then set a timer and come out at that time. Doing this consistently will probably encourage them to stop asking you for small things they want done immediately.

"I can't take that much time out of my work day to run errands, mow the lawn, etc. My "core" work hours are between 10am and 4pm, so I can be more flexible outside those hours, but during that time I really can't spend more than 15 or 20 minutes on non work related activities." This should help them stop asking you for lengthy things during your primary work time.

You need to help them understand that you aren't available on a regular basis. One of the things they are doing is assuming you can help them all the time, but the reality is that you can't, and they don't understand that. Doing the above will help, but to reinforce this, take your computer and phone to the coffee shop, park, co-working facility, or library randomly 2-3 days a week. If you don't keep a schedule of when you might be home and when you might not be, they no longer can ask you for last-minute errands, they have to plan ahead and give you more notice, or ask if you're going to be working for home on a given day. It also gives you a little more leverage to say now, "I'm sorry, I have big project I'm working on and can't be interrupted during it, so I'll be working at the library today."

Further, be open and honest with them. Tell them you need advance notice of requests that take time. Tell them when you are interrupted that it takes time away from work, and disrupting your train of thought causes problems for your work. You may have to do this repeatedly, coupled with, "No, but I can help you later." Ask them for chores you can do outside your working time, or a list of regular chores they want you to keep up on so you can choose when to do them, and never have to be interrupted for them since they're taken care of.

It'll be bumpy and frustrating - for both you and them - at first, but as long as you set up boundaries and live by them, they will learn what they are.

Keep in mind that if your room and board are free or discounted, you should take on some additional responsibility. Rather than approaching the problem as "I need to get them to stop intruding" consider approaching it as "I need to make sure they know when I'm available and when I'm not, and that I'm happy to help, but it has to fit into my work schedule, not the other way around."

Answer 5

How can I get my family- and work-life together/my family respect me/my job?

You cannot continue to take hours away from your work time and try to "cover up" with your boss. Basically, anything you are doing, that you wouldn't admit openly to your boss is questionable. Eventually that will catch up with you, and may have serious work repercussions.

It appears that there are only two real solutions here - either have a convincing talk with your family, or find a different place to work.

It can be hard for families who don't understand office work, and remote work, to see that you really are working when you are in your room on your computer. For some families "being in your room" means you aren't really working, even when you are.

Sit down with your parents. Explain the work you do, what is involved, and the kind of uninterrupted time you need to complete it. tell them which hours of the day need to be "work hours" (for example 9:00 - 5:00) and which hours are not. You might even consider showing them what a "day in the life" of your work entails.

Ask what you need to do in order to get a full day of work without having to take time out to do home chores, babysitting, lawn work, etc. Perhaps all chores can be done after hours or on weekends (just as they would if you worked in an office). Perhaps you need a lock on your door. Perhaps there is a different space in your house other than your room which would better convey a sense of "work". Sometimes a basement office can be set up.

If that doesn't work, you'll need to find somewhere else to do your work.

You might be able to "work from home" by working somewhere other than your room. Perhaps a library, perhaps a space in a local university, perhaps a coffee shop. (I once had a remote worker spend every day in a coffee shop for a few months. The coffee shop was okay with that as long as he actually purchased coffee.)

If you can afford it, some cities now have shared office spaces. You basically rent the use of an office or a desk, and have a few shared office amenities. You might even be able to rent an unused room at a friend's house inexpensively.

And if all else fails, you may have to look for another non-remote job where you can drive to the office and work without having to do home chores at the same time.

Answer 6

As has been mentioned by other posters, moving out is one of the only true solutions to this problem. I understand that both culturally and economically this can be tough so let's explore a couple other options.

You don't mention much about the money arrangement with your family - are you paying rent? Are you assisting in paying for goods/services that you use? Some families this isn't a big problem. The child is the parent's child and housing/goods/support comes naturally. BUT not paying for things can make it very hard for some parents to distinguish between 'underaged child playing video games' and 'adult child with a job'.

Additionally it sounds like things are fairly chaotic - you may be asked to mow the lawn this day, pick someone up that day... Start setting schedules in advance. If mowing the lawn is something you do to help the family then make the plan that "I mow the lawn every other Saturday if the weather is fine" and "If the weather is bad I may skip a week but I will catch it up on the next Saturday. I will mow the lawn twice a month." How about "I will pick up my sibling from school on Wednesdays". When people have plans it's much easier to stick to other schedules. Because, let's face it, with you at their beck and call why would your parents change anything? You have trained them(and they have trained you) that when they want something to happen during the day you will drop your job(and how can they take it seriously if you are willing to put it aside to go mow the lawn?) and do whatever it is they asked. I think that point is worth a bit of repeating - If someone is willing to put their job aside to do chores, then others will respect that job(and that person) less. It's just the way most cultures think about jobs. Important jobs, the line of thought goes, are jobs that you cannot step away from to do chores. Ergo those who can step in and out of the office willy nilly aren't doing 'real jobs'.

At the end of the day your question is a lot less about workplace and a lot more about negotiating both generational differences and the transition between child and adult in your parent's eyes. Ultimately you would be best served by gaining distance in some way. If you are unwilling or unable to move out(which is understandable) another good way to get this distance would be to start working from somewhere else. Depending on where you live there are co-working locations in many cities/towns/communities. For a small membership fee you can go in at almost anytime to work and have a reserved space/office/equipment. Alternative options might be renting a room from somewhere/someone in order to work out of it or working from a library or cafe.

In the end the only solution that will change anything will require several different things from your end: Make a schedule and keep to it regarding both work times and chores/assistance. Consider formalizing your monetary and activity based family assistance(paying rent etc), find a place that is 'separate' from where you sleep to work. Ideally this place should be outside of your home.

Answer 7

There is a lot of good advice in the other answers to this question, but I feel the need to add another point of view.

Your question and your comments to the answers provided lead me to believe that you are at least part of the problem.

wake up at about 8-10

It may be that this gives your parents the impression that you lack discipline and that you don't take your job seriously. If you don't, why should your parents?

Every work day, get up in time to eat and get dressed then go to work. Say "Right, I'm off to work now" so that your parents get the message. If you have a defined start and end to your working day you will give the impression of having a 'proper job'.

I already irregularly pay them money for room and meals

Talk to your parents and agree a monthly rent that you pay on the same day every month. That will give you a stronger position in the house and will help your parents to see that you are now an adult.

In short, if you start acting like the adult you are and not the child you where, then your parents will start to treat you as such. However, to earn their respect you need to bring some discipline into your own life and demonstrate that you deserve to be treated as an adult with a career.

Answer 8

I am working from home quite often. At the right times, I tell my wife "I'm going to work now", or "I'm at work now", or "I'm back home now". I can take an hour break, and then I'll have to work longer in the evening.

Your family really needs to accept that you are at work. If they can't accept it, tell them again and again until they get it.

Answer 9

Others have suggested to move out, although it can be very expensive - even too expensive for your income.

However, there is a cheaper mixed solution: moving your workplace. Renting an small office can be cheaper than renting a living place, or you can try coworking, that is likely cheaper than renting a room in a shared apartment.

Answer 10

The solution is simple, you just need three things:

• A second phone for your home office
• A lock for the door
• A shield stating in big letter AT WORK

You only answer the phone, no requests at the door. Your default answer is "i am in town XY (100 km away) at work, do you really want me to interrupt my work, ask my boss to leave for some hours and then drive home now to mow the lawn? Can't it wait?".

Just treat them like kids who don't understand a thing and ignore what they say, this will probably never change.

And assuming you have some excuse or rationale reason why you can't do that, it doesn't matter. You have to fix this soon, or you will lose the job. You have to be cruel if needed, or you will lose the job.

And then you will sit all day at home, play on the computer and hear the same complaints. Forever!

Good luck.

Answer 11

Hi, sweet home,

I know that a lot of people have proposed solutions, but here's one I do not recall seeing:

Have you considered moving your parents out of your house?

Here's the rationale for my proposal:

1) As many people have emphasized, you need to demonstrate your "wealth" and the value of your work.

What better way to demonstrate your wealth and the value of your work than by literally demonstrating your wealth and the value of your parents?

2) My parents, whom I have been fortunate enough to have had raise me my whole life, have always given me the best and the newest things.

I see it as only fair and fit that they also receive the best and newest from me.

When I move out, I'm the one who gets the new place and new things.

But when I move my parents out, they're the ones who get the new place and new things.

The thing is, the way I see this situation is the same way I see it anytime I encounter naysayers.

By making our family and our naysayers a part of the solution, they have no chance to be a part of the problem.

I guess it sounds like I'm bribing them, but because they're my loved ones, I see it as recompense and gift-giving, instead of as simple bribery.

What do you think?

I see that you mentioned that you pay rent irregularly already.

So how about paying a mortgage every month regularly to help them see you as an adult?

Good luck.

Answer 12

Option 1: You have got to really talk to your parents. Just show them examples of your work. Try to increase number of video conferences (I hope you have them) with your coworkers, so they will hear their voices coming out from your room, showing that you're busy now.

Option 2: If that doesn't work, you can try coworking space. It is far more simpler, smoother and cheaper(!) solution of the problem. No need to mess with moving out. Find the nearest one to your home and you're good to go. Even if you will wakeup at 10, given that coworking centre is near your home, this should make a serious impression on your parents.