How can I deal with a difficult coworker?

Question

I have a member on my team who acts like a boorish pig. He "borrows" my belongings without asking, almost as if he's entitled to it. Last time, I had some snack on my desk and he just took it to his desk and started eating it. People around me were in such a shock and I didn't want to start an argument so I jokingly said, "Oh yes, I saved it just for you. Please enjoy it and you are welcome." He simply says "Thanks" and finished eating it and left the garbage on my desk.

This guy is our office's "all star", very popular, loves attention, and frequently likes to boss people around even when he's only a developer. Today, a project manager got very angry with him for shifting his resources around without asking.

What can I do? It's hard to deal with him since he's so friendly and likes to laugh things off.

Answer 1

I'm not convinced this is a bully, nor that it is someone with Asperger's.

But it's not OK. I'd probably do a couple things simultaneously:

• Lock up personal stuff - It's better than feeling like work has degraded to kindergarten where you have to fight for your snack. Don't get psychotic. If you feel like you have to cower over your stuff just to keep it from getting stolen, it's time for a talk with management about office theft.

• Don't let humor be a deflection - Clearly the guy has learned "be funny = get away with being a jerk" - so change the rules. Don't respond to his joking, but don't lose your cool. If you try to be the funny guy, you can risk the impression that the whole situation is OK with you. Unfortunately, you can end up feeling like an elementary school substitute teacher, but I think you're going to have to go the route of "why did you take my snack?", "didn't you learn in kindergarten not to touch people's stuff?", and "no seriously, you owe me $5 so I can go get something to eat" and literally stand there next to him (calmly!) until he caves. Someone in the office has to say "this class clown isn't funny anymore" - Side note: making it clear that this isn't funny also points out to the other folks at your office that this guy isn't a comedic master, he's a jerk. And it may help others stand up for themselves as well. I've seen several cases of herd mentality where people go with the loudest voice until they are forced to think about what's actually happening. Don't think of yourself as fighting the team, think of yourself as providing a needed clue.

• 3 strikes you're out - Generally, in any system, you should be able to express your displeasure at someone's behavior, clearly and respectfully, and have a reasonable belief that they will either desist or work on finding a compromise with you. Really, one go-around is enough - if the person doesn't listen, it does qualify as harassment. However, I always feel better, myself, to give them two warnings, and on the third strike they are out - I don't bother with the warning at that point, just take it to management. It makes a very strong case if you can say "I said clearly and succintly not to touch my stuff, and he did it. I clarified and asked again, and he did it anyway. What is the next step?"

• Management is confused too and it sounds like there are other disciplinary problems. Chances are good that management isn't doing any better than you are. In a perfect world, you pointing out that he's harassing other employees would be a good kick in the pants for a written warning and escalation of the termination process. There are plenty of cases where a top performer is fired because his behavior is so detrimental to the team that his good work input can't possibly mitigate the fact that 4-10 other people are non-productive when he's around. To say nothing of the cost of lawsuits. But sometimes management can see it as not a big deal - in which case, take it out of the chain - use your HR's hotline (some offices have lines for out of band issue remediation), or your groups HR representative.

Answer 2

Stop being so "politically correct" and tell him to knock it off! Is this some office culture that I don't know about where you have to allow ANYONE to be a jerk? You and everyone else doing nothing about his behavior allow him to act like a jerk. You know it is not right, so do something about it immediately, the very first time.

Don't be nice to him when he does something like that...it just encourages him to continue. If you had a dog that nipped you, then you patted him nicely on the head and speak softly to the dog? Do you think the dog would stop nipping you? NO!

If this happens again with the snack, yell "HEY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!" AND take it back.

Answer 3

Although this may seem trivial, it is still theft:

In common usage, theft is the taking of another person's property without that person's permission or consent with the intent to deprive the rightful owner of it.

Theft of any kind would usually be considered Gross misconduct and grounds for summary dismissal.

If this is the case where you work then you might want to print out a copy of the company policy, highlight the section on theft and leave it somewhere prominently in view.

Even though the theft of a snack is probably not worth reporting, it does provide a concrete example of a pattern of disruptive, dishonest and bullying behaviour that could be used as corroborating evidence when a bully does step over the line (the proverbial straw that broke the camels back).

You may also want to look up company procedures on harassment and what your company expects you to do in this situation. You may actually be breaking company rules by not reporting harassing behaviour.

Once a company gets to a hundred employees, it really should have an employee handbook, but it very much depends where in the world you are. I have worked for both multinational corporations and companies as small as 10 employees and they have all had an employee handbook, detailing grievance procedure and general responsibilities.

Answer 4

This behavior reminds me of several people I know, including my brother. Humoring such people only enables (in the AA sense of the word) them to continue their unacceptable behavior. I've found shame to be ineffective as a deterrant.

Last time, I had some snack on my desk and he just took it to his desk and started eating it.

The last time one bully did this to me, I walked over to him and slapped the food out of his hands and onto the floor: "that's my food, not yours, and if I can't eat it, neither will you". It made a stink (meetings! were! held!) that was big enough that he didn't pick on me again - just the folks who he could continue to intimidate and bully. He later left as he started to run out of prey.

Some books I've recommended before, which I believe will help you to recognize future similar situations and develop your own coping strategies for them include:

• To Be or Not to Be Intimidated.
• Looking out for number one.
• Million Dollar Habits. I feel that these 3 by Robert Ringer are very important. If you think his first book was about to intimidate others, you only read the press coverage. If you think his books are about real estate, then you only skimmed them. There are a lot of people in the world who will try to intimidate you into giving up what is yours, and he shows you what some of them are like, and what countermeasures you can use. The first book was originally published as "Winning Through Intimidation" but the bad perceptions of what the title appeared to be suggesting lead the author to waste far too much time defending his "clever" choice of words.
• Snakes in Suits. There are some evil people out there. You'll work for some of them.
• Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People. One book on office politics and dealing with some of the worse sort.
• The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work. Some folks are very good with verbal manipulation, this book and the others in the series, cover how to deal with such people. The author of this book wrote about 20+ other books in this series, all with "gentle art of verbal self defense" in the title. One of the most common verbal attacks you'll encounter can be epitomized in the question: "did you stop beating your wife?" One of the first steps in avoiding a trap is to recognize a trap.

Other thread.

This guy is our office's "all star", very popular, loves attention, and frequently likes to boss people around even when he's only a developer. Today, a project manager got very angry with him for shifting his resources around without asking.

This sounds like Snakes in Suits should be the first one of the above list to read.

Answer 5

In the US this would likely be considered a hostile work environment. You have a right to a work environment where you are not subjected to workplace bulling. How ever that does not mean that you have the right to take action into your own hands. If you do you could end up being the one who gets in trouble. Often bullies are not able to handle having it dished back to them and will file a complaint.

First make a complaint to your HR department (or Union rep if you are union). If this is a regular occurrence I would demand that it be entered as a formal complaint immediately. Your company should have procedures in place for handling this. You should find out what they are and how the company expects you to deal with it going forward. If there is any part of it you are uncomfortable with communicate that with HR, they may be able to offer an alternative, or will let you know that is required.

If at any point you feel that the problem is not being addressed, or the company is trying to make it difficult on you, consult an attorney. They will be able to help protect you. I am not a fan of aggressive legal maneuvering but you have to protect yourself first. If you wait until they let you go then the lawyer has less that they can do to protect you, at that point it would be just about getting compensation. If a lawyer is going to have to be involved then it is usually best to get them in as early as possible. Most lawyers would take this type of case on contingency so you should have minimal up front cost.

Answer 6

First thing to understand is that this guy isn't a pig, he's a bully.

Bullies are very difficult to challenge. Take him on directly and you'd better be confident in something you can do better than him. Be tough, be smart, be eloquent, be funny or just be more indispensable. But be confident in whatever it is. Because that's what he has working for him -- confidence.

Challenge a bully directly and get it wrong and you just become a target. Problem is that everyone else in the room knows this as well.

A bully is empowered by the reactions of others. Sadly, everyone gives them positive reinforcement because they don't want to be the bully's target. It's just human nature. The path of least resistance.

Bullies are about the only people I would ever suggest taking a passive-aggressive approach to. Don't laugh at his jokes. Share looks of mutual disdain with other people. Talk about what an pain the guy is behind his back. Make it clear that you think people who aren't part of the solution are part of the problem. Give other people the confidence to stop feeding his need for reinforcement. Make compliance the path of most resistance.

Answer 7

"Popular, loves attention, boss around, takes you snack", sounds like you have a bully in your office. He's not friendly, he just act so he seems so.

Make sure that you explicitly told him that he cross the line with you, then send him a email to summarize what you said about that. If things continue, then report to your manager. Because it starts with a snack, and ends with moral harassment.

Answer 8

Why not just approach him and ask him to lay off? Find a suitable time and get his attention with a "can I talk to you alone" kind of thing, and then explain what's bothering you. You can of course use some softer language, such as:

"Hey man, I know you have a sense of humour and whatnot, but X, Y, and Z are not working for me. I don't think a big deal needs to be made, just please don't do X, Y, and Z in the future. I know it probably wasn't your intention to upset me, so I'm letting you know now so that it doesn't become a problem."

If that doesn't work, then talk with management / HR. Being passive-aggressive is definitely not a good solution. You're an adult in a workplace, not a kid in gradeschool - act like it.

Answer 9

Hide your snacks for a start!

If he starts throwing his weight around, be assertive but polite. Remember there is a very thin line between assertive and just plain rude.

For instance, in the snack scenario, you could say something like "dude, that's mine! Now I'll have to go hungry" Keep your tone light but not too playful so he knows that you mean it.

If all else fails, just be blunt and tell him straight before you start to hate going to work.

Good luck!

Answer 10

I'm sure you aren't the only one noticing this behavior, and aren't the only one who doesn't like it. He probably thinks he's invincible, and if given enough rope he will probably hang himself. The route I'd take is to outlast him. Be patient, and don't give him any ammunition.

One thing I wouldn't do is confront him. As you say he loves attention, and if you confront him you'll give him a chance to "show his stuff". Chances are he's better then you at manipulating a situation. Instead, complain to HR about his behavior so they have a record of it. The more complaints there are the easier it will be for management to axe him.

Don't give him any ammo. Bring in snacks that you like and he hates. Be polite, but never help with with anything. Put a raw egg on your desk and let him grab it and make a mess all over himself. He won't be able to laugh that one off.