Requesting time off on behalf of spouse for surprise vacation

Question

I am considering plane tickets as an anniversary gift for my husband for a specific date/destination. Before I buy I'd like to be sure it won't be a problem at his office. Has anyone asked for vacation on behalf of his/her spouse before? Have any managers out there gotten this request? I have been a manager for several years but have never gotten this request. If you're inclined to answer, here are some things you may find relevant:

• My husband has been at this company several years and is well-liked by his boss. I have only met his boss a couple of times but he seems friendly. My husband hasn't indicated to me that he's in any way difficult to work for.
• He likes travel, adventure and surprises, so if I can find a way to have this conversation with his boss it would be a big win for me.
• He usually has plenty of vacation days. I haven't kept track of the time he's taken for illness, etc. but I don't think available days will be an issue.
• His boss would only need to keep the secret until our anniversary (in a few weeks), not until the trip (in a few months).

Is there any chance that making this request could damage my husband's professional image? I don't think it's the same as a husband getting his wife to call in sick for him, for example, but you never know what people may think.

Answer 1

Requesting time off on behalf of spouse for a surprise vacation

Don't do it. I'll let Alison Green from Ask A Manager explain why this puts your spouse's manager in an uncomfortable position:

From the manager’s perspective, I don’t know if he’s saving up his vacation time for something else, or whether the two of you are having problems and he’d rather not go on this trip (and might prefer to use work as an excuse), or whether he’s going to submit a vacation request for November that would leave him no time for this trip he doesn’t know about in December. If he only gets one week a year, you’d be using all of his vacation on this, which he might not want or which might conflict with other plans he has (and there’s a decent chance he’ll have already used it since this will be the very last week of the year).

It also can cause workload issues, if he’s planning to do something crucial during that week and doesn’t know he’ll need to get it done earlier or otherwise make advance arrangements to cover his work. (In some jobs, the manager could do that for him, and in other jobs it would be much harder.)

I'm a big fan of the alternative she gives: ask your spouse to take that week off but leave the reason or destination a surprise.

Apart from putting your spouse's manager in a tough position, the bigger problem with doing this is that it crosses a huge professional boundary. The only time when family or friends can contact your employer is when you are incapable of doing so yourself. That means a debilitating disease or injury. In all other situations, adults are expected to manage their professional relationships themselves and that includes requesting time off or planning leave.

Alison Green also has another article on this subject where a manager reacted very critically when it was just a single day off. That reaction was a bit too much but it illustrates that even asking the question can reflect poorly on your spouse. Surprising people at work is similarly problematic, for much the same reason. If your spouse is new to the job or if you've never met his manager then those are also complicating factors.

So to summarise, here are all the reasons why you shouldn't plan a holiday for a significant other (SO) and why a good manager won't let you (not all reasons apply in your case):

• your SO should manage his own time
• it's impossible to effectively plan around a surprise holiday
• your SO may not want to
• your SO may have other plans for his vacation days
• you may be a stalker or the relationship may have soured to the point where your SO wouldn't want to take a trip
• your SO may not have the PTO required for the trip and you have zero standing to discuss that with his manager

This answer is meant to cover the general situation of someone requesting time off for a significant other. As mentioned not all of the reasons mentioned here apply to the OP. But I believe that regardless of the details of the situation at least one of these reasons will apply, which is why it's almost always a bad idea to do this. Very small companies that encourage a family atmosphere or by extension family-run businesses are a notable exception but someone in that case wouldn't even think to consider if this could be an issue.

Answer 2

Answering my own question as encouraged by the site usage guides, and after considering all thoughtful advice:

I'm telling my husband we need to take a trip out west to visit in-laws so that he can reserve the days off. He's good with my family so it won't be an issue. He also doesn't mind being lied to when intentions are pure, as in this situation. He will be pleased at the deception.

This situation works for me because trust exists and may not work for everyone. I also agree that since his boss does not know me very well he may feel uncomfortable being involved in the deception, regardless of its spirit. After the surprise is shared, I'm curious to ask my husband what he thought I should have done. Perhaps one day when I know his boss better I will know if this is the kind of thing I can ask in the future.

UPDATE (some of you requested final outcome):

My husband is very excited about the surprise and the upcoming trip (he even congratulated me on the successful deception), but agreed that it would have made his boss uncomfortable to get a time-off request from a spouse. When I asked if it would have been okay just to email his boss a "heads up" on surprise vacation dates, he thought that would be okay. That's a good thing because I don't think I'll be able to use the in-law gag again without raising suspicion.

Answer 3

Do it! It never hurts to ask!

The manager/supervisor is not forcing the employee to take the time off, merely facilitating the absence of an employee. If things go south, there is no reason the employee has to use the PTO, returning to work instead.

I've done this for my wife and it was wonderfully received by her boss and co-workers. I made sure to emphasize sensitivity to what was going on at work and asked for suggestions of a better time, if the requested time was not good for the office. I even added a fruit basket as part of the surprise that she presented to the co-workers for their part in the conspiracy.

These surprises can be great for relationships and for workplace morale.

Answer 4

There are some very nice and well structured answers, but I have one very important thing to point out in bold:

In any professional workplace the amount of surprise should be eliminated to maximum possible extent, which is in a direct conflict with your plan.

Whenever I have been subject to any employee (moral, ethical, etc.) code, the sentence 'Employee shouldn't bring about surprises directly or indirectly, intentionally or not', followed by a requirement to discuss changes or events as soon as possible to prevent any damage to planing, logistics, production etc.

Personally, I work for a very human company, have plenty of vacation time, low level of stress constantly, and very understanding managers all the way to the top, and would still feel awkward should such a suprise be arranged for me.

Answer 5

You can't ask the manager to put an employee on vacation arbitrarily.

I would assume in most jurisdictions, the demand needs to come from the employee, or be submitted to a discussion that involves not just the direct manager (like a mandatory shutdown of the company for Christmas week, for example).

Also, you could be putting your husband and his manager in a difficult position, and you don't want to put your husband's manager in an uncomfortable situation of holding some responsibility in your plan.

What you can do, however, is make sure in advance that, when you disclose the surprise, your husband's vacation request will be granted.

You can talk with the manager to see if they can make sure they don't have something planned, and won't have, for the few weeks until the anniversary. Basically, something like: "Hey, I am planning a surprise vacation on such date, can you tell me if there is anything that would prevent my husband from requesting 2 weeks off at that time?"

You'd still be taking a risk, because there would not be a formal engagement that the dates will be free for your husband to request vacations, but the risk will be much smaller.

And you would not be putting the manager in any weird situation should anything happen.

Answer 6

"Shy bairns get nowt"

I have been in this situation myself. Here is my experience:

My spouse had a pending 30th birthday. A surprise holiday was my first and only thought of a gift. To achieve this, I had to have a couple of people involved so it would remain a complete surprise to her. Namely the in-laws and her boss.

This helps to have some sort of relationship with your partners boss. I had met him a couple of times before and got on quite well with him, but nothing more. It was always in a work/casual environment.

My spouse works for a small NGO (not for profit, non governmental organisation) in the UK that does a lot of events. I consulted the public events planner for her organisation about 4 months in advance and found a week where I knew she would not have any events booked, coincidentally the week of her birthday as well. However, the day to day office job was different. I knew she plans daily meetings a few weeks in advance but usually with her boss, the director, involved. I knew I had to have involve him in the plan to some extent so it did not ruin any day to day office work etc.

I contacted him on his work email and outlined my plan: the week she would need time off work, not to book any meetings in for her that week etc. He was more than happy to help me and put her down as holiday that week so I then booked the holiday. I said to her boss that I would tell her a few days before departing that she was to go on holiday but keep the destination a surprise so she had a couple of days to prepare for packing etc just so he did not put his foot in it and ruin the surprise.

A few days before departure she was planning evening drinks with her work colleagues and boss so I thought that would be a perfect place to tell her she was going on holiday. That was where I sprung the surprise. Everyone was delighted and so intrigued as to what the destination was.

The surprise was very successful but not without the help of her boss. The destination remained a surprise up until about 30 minutes before takeoff after check in, security and pre flight drinks where I had prepared some cryptic clues and a guidebook of the destination wrapped as her first present.

One of the best holidays we have ever been on. I would urge anyone to try and do the same at least once.

Answer 7

I think you should base this on your husband's prior history with any difficulties asking for time off and the amount of advanced notice. Buy tickets that can be changed.

Many supervisors will allow their employees to use their judgement when taking time off, so they'll take current project status and accepting new ones into consideration. You would be putting your spouse in a bad position if he made promises to clients that he can't keep. Obviously if there are busy periods like end of quarter or holiday seasons, you're going to have to work around those.

I'm lucky, I work for the kind of boss who would think this is a great idea and would cooperate. If you responded to an email while on vacation, he would thank you and tell you to get back to the beach. I've expressed to my wife how I feel about my boss, so she wouldn't need to ask anyone what they think.

You may want to consider the surprise more about where you're going than when. The fact you're making the arrangements would be even better than the surprise.

Answer 8

Wow, sounds like you've already poured way too much time into this so-called dilemma. No need to put yourself through such great stress and internal conflict on this. Just spend a few bucks more and buy refundable/flexible tickets. Problem solved.

Edit: OK, I realize there may be a significant difference in cost for refundable tickets. But to jump-frog over your spouse and deal with his boss directly is to me totally un-sat. Please stay within the proper channels of professional etiquette.

Answer 9

I am not a lawyer, merely an "individual contributor" in corporate America. What I have is the required classes in what not to do within the chain of command. Lillienthal already nailed most of what I would say, and I concur with your solution. However, I want to expand on Lillienthal's last bullet point; from my view, this is the "killer heuristic" of the situation:

you have zero standing to discuss that with his manager.

Within the work relationship, the manager's legal responsibilities are to the company and to your husband. You are part of this only so far as your husband has filed appropriate paperwork with the company. In most cases, this is nothing more than insurance coverage and next-of-kin information.

Your husband's work assignments may well be company confidential information. His vacation availability is personal information within the company; your husband can share that with you, but his manager cannot. Yes, it's permissible for you to inform his manager of your wishes, but the manager's only response should be to acknowledge receiving that communication. The manager cannot address your request; vacation plans must be made with the employee, not with a third party.

Granted, in a healthy situation, the manager would appreciate the heads-up of a pending vacation, with the formal request coming later from your husband. However, making any sort of business plan based on your request would put the manager in a difficult position.

In short, find another way to do this. Until the manager is a trusted personal friend who has shown a willingness and ability to handle the dual relationship, let all of these things go through your husband.

Answer 10

Along the same lines as davidb above, and not considering the business implications:

I, too, surprised my wife with such a suprise-holiday. She was working as the personal assistant of the director of a hospital. He and all the colleagues knew and agreed to her leave. The morning we were to take off I gave her 5 puzzles (just 30 or so pieces each) that I had got made before, each showing a leg of our trip (which was 3 weeks New York -> LA -> island-hopping on Hawaii -> SF -> Boston and back home). She had 3 hours to pack and leave home - and to figure out where we were going by solving the puzzles.

It was a great trip to which, although now 25 years ago, we still think back every now and then with a smile.

Yes, it did pose a risk. Yes, it did cause some headaches to the boss and the colleagues, but it was worth it. It could have gone wrong, but the risk was acceptable.

The drawback was, that she didn't have the chance to prepare herself - and often enough the vacation starts with the planning weeks and months before - and with the excitement of the time to takeoff getting shorter and shorter over the months.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing that you can't repeat. DO IT - if you have the boss and the colleagues that help with it.

PS: It took me about half a year to prepare and arrange that vacation. Such a surprise thing is usually way more complex than booking a trip the usual way :-)