Co-Worker Overreacts to Request for Clarification

Question

I received an email from a business user requesting an update of national identifiers for 1150 employees. Being the fairly new guy (I've been with the company for only a year), I looped in the other developer, "RP" (5 years), since she knows more, to see if there is already an existing script that does this task. The thread goes like this:

Requestor: Please update the employees' NSS with the attached file.
Me: Looping in "RP". Hi "Requestor", can you please clarify if the update is for National Identifiers? thank you.
Requestor: Yes, its the national identifiers.
RP (5 year dev): No, we do not have a ready auto program for this.
Me: ** removed business users from email thread** If that's the case, then we may need to create a new program for this. We can test in our Test Environment on Monday, then let "Business User" Verify before we put it into production. Please let me know your thoughts on this.
RP: We already have a process to update National Identifiers which is not exposed to users. Changing National Identifiers is not advisable and has many parameters to it. Need to check the sanity of data like if the payrolls have been run on employee with current ssn, does any other employee exist with provided ssn etc. Please discuss this with "MANAGER" before going ahead with anything.

I was confused, because she earlier stated that there isn't any programs created for it. So I asked for a clarification:

Me: I haven't worked on this yet. You mentioned earlier that there is no process built for this yet. Can you clarify? " No, we do not have a ready auto program for this."

here comes her reply

RP: Yes, that's right. Read the statement carefully. Though it is available it is not ready for use and not used in Production before.
The package needs tweaking and recompilation for updating columns of our requirements. Its built only for dev team's internal use. It was used in UAT instances to restore the ssns for payroll parallels.
Well and by pointing out such statements, may i know what are you trying to bring up?
I have no intentions of hiding any built programs from use and increase teams work.
If you see the discussions below you should understand why was it said that no program is available.
Would suggest, before jumping directly to solutions/allegations please try to understand whether the requirement is valid as per business/process and if is really feasible.
Just because we have a facility of auto program doesnt mean we go ahead and use it based on SR. Please apply some thought and try to do impact analysis of the updates.
Last but not the least, instead of discussing and spending time in such statements, would have appreciated if you could have given some thought to come up with more points on impact of such updates.
Such as comparing the file data with system data and letting the team know what the situation is. That would help more.

I was surprised by her reply, and I don't know how she thought I was throwing "allegations" or "bringing up" stuff. I just finally replied just to control the situation:

Me: "Hi RP, Calm down. :) No “allegations” are being brought up here. I just wanted to clarify the earlier statement, that’s all. Don’t take it negatively. :) Not sure why you’ve concluded that I’m “bringing up” something. It was just a request for clarification. We can discuss this over tomorrow to come up with a solution. Thanks for clarifying.

To somehow makes matters "worse", It seems our Manager (who shares the same nationality with RP), is taking her side:

Manager: Clarification Emails should be sent 1:1.

Some notes that might be worth considering:

1. The whole team was copied in the email, including our manager.
2. I work remotely from them across the globe (I'm in PH, they're in the US).
3. They are a different nationality (I'm Filipino, they're mostly Indian.)
4. The email exchange was over the weekend, and we cannot call each other up.

My questions are:

1. Did I say anything wrong?
2. What can I do at this point?
3. How can this be avoided?

Answer 1

From what I understand, here are my answers to your questions:

Did I say anything wrong?

In my opinion, yes:

1. In asking for clarification on whether or not there was a program to do what the requester wanted, you ignored the strongly worded point of RP's message: that this is a dangerous change to make, and must be discussed with the manager.

This probably annoyed and worried her because it seemed like you were jumping ahead to considering how to implement a solution, and ignoring important advice not to do so without approval. This is probably why her second reply was much stronger worded, because you seemed to have not understood or acknowledged her advice earlier.

2. Telling someone to "calm down" is, I think, rude and condescending in a professional setting. Especially if they are your senior. It might get someone to bite their tongue but is unlikely to diffuse tensions.

What can I do at this point?

Apologize (something like "I'm sorry if I came off as rude or dismissive of your concerns, I will do as you advise"), and do as she says and discuss the matter with the manager before considering implementation details. Don't ask her any further implementation details until you are sure you need them.

EDIT: See discussion in comments about the wording of the apology, there's some debate whether "if I came off as rude or dismissive" sounds like it is not sincere or is a non-apology.

How can this be avoided?

1. Don't tell people to calm down.

2. Communicate more clearly that you are paying attention to advice you are given and that you are taking the senior developer's concerns seriously. For example, instead of writing:

I haven't worked on this yet. You mentioned earlier that there is no process built for this yet. Can you clarify?

try something like:

Thanks for the advice, I will be sure to discuss with "MANAGER" before proceeding further, and I understand the dangerous nature of this request. Just out of curiosity, could you clarify what you meant by ...

Although personally I wouldn't bother the other developer with further technical questions before discussing with the manager. In this case I would have answered as follows:

Thank you for the advice, I understand that this is very dangerous and I will discuss with "MANAGER" whether to proceed.

Answer 2

Your coworker told you:

• there is no prebuilt script to do this
• doing this is not just a simple matter of a script; you need to be very sure you are not ruining all the data

And you got all accusing, pasting bits of their own email back to them to prove that since there's no script, there's no process, which apparently means anyone can do what they like and change the field at will. This would have made me angry too, and on top of that you cc'ed all kinds of other people on it. And when your more senior coworker tried to set you straight, you got into a mode of setting your coworker straight complete with "calm down", smilies, and "it was just".

Apologize as soon as you can. Do not use the words "just", "only" or "clarification." Do not use any smilies. Start your sentences with "I". Emphasize you will not mess with the data integrity. Thank your coworker for alerting you to this possible problem before you just went ahead and ran a script. Conclude by asking when your coworker is free to work with you on the "making sure it's ok to update identifiers" matter, or by reaffirming that you will be meeting with the manager on that topic before doing anything more on this.

Answer 3

At the first sign of confusion, you should have picked up the telephone, or arranged a Skype meeting. It's very simple for stuff to get lost in translation - and I can't presume, but if the native tongue of neither side of the e-mail is English, that's all the more reason to pick up the phone and work stuff out.

Answer 4

I have spent many years working from my outlook inbox and I think I could provide a few pointers.

I will answer your 3rd question first.

How can this be avoided?

Though the person with whom you were email was being rude, "you" always need to be as professional as possible. Remember any email sent is forever recorded and can be a point of tension come review time or issues crop up down the road.

I have dealt with many upset or rude people over emails in the past 10 years but the best approach is always the professional approach.

To deal with someone who is responding they way they were to your "clarification" question, you should always answer with an apology and a thank you. This serves 2 purposes. The first is to defuse any growing tension and the 2nd is to guide further conversation to something more civil.

Example: "I am sorry if I said something to upset you. I was only looking for clarification so I could understand the situation better. Thank you for your clarification and time. Have a nice day."

Some times you may want to respond back with some witty remark or "stick it to them" because you think they deserve a harsh email but it is always best in the long run to remain professional.

Don't let one email have a negative impact on your job.

Did I say anything wrong?

Before your last reply, I think your conversation was fine. I think the other person may have jumped to some conclusions that they didn't need to jump to but par for the course when dealing with some developers. They can be very sensitive about their work.

However, after that when it comes to your last reply.

Simply: Yes.

Even if someone else is "rude" to you, responding in kind is never going to be looked at favorably.

Sometimes you would think to yourself "The email I sent would not offend me" but this is not the best way to write an email. Think more along the lines of: You are sending an email to your Manager or even his Manager. This is the kind of wording and tact you should be concentrating on.

Probably one of the highest things on my list of "Don't put this in an email" is "Calm Down". 99% of the time, it has the reverse of the intended effect.

Try to avoid telling the person your are emailing to "do/don't" something.

Instead of saying "Don’t take it negatively", change your wording to be less directed towards the person reading the email and more general. E.g.: "I did not mean anything I said in a negative way". Really though, that entire last reply you sent was all kinds of bad. Lots of unfortunate wording. Anyone would take it the wrong way.

What can I do at this point?

Sending an apology email would be a good start. You could say something along the lines of: "I am sorry. I was not trying to be rude. I will take more care with my words in the future"

Some people cannot be appeased so easily but it's a start.

All that being said, you can most likely recover from this and in a few weeks/months no one will remember it. Just take what I said about "always being professional" and the problem should fix itself.

Answer 5

Without delving into stuff that was already answered, I just wanted to add what I think is a vital piece of the "conversations" that may be getting over looked (I didn't see this mentioned, at least not in a way that stood out, as of this answer being posted):

Intended/Included Audience of Conversation

Just for clarification on MY part:

• When you "originally" asked, it was with the "customer" and happened to include "coworkers" in the email...
• As far as the customer is concerned, you DON'T have something "production ready"
• When you "further" asked, you removed the customers and moved the conversation into "team+manager"
• You DO have a program of "something" developed...
• the "Something" you have is NOT customer ready.

So the original reply is to the customer ("We don't have anything") and the later conversation is without the customer ("We do, but it's nowhere near production ready")...

So TECHNICALLY both answers are true: For the Customer, you DONT have a program. For internal use, you DO have a program.

This is something I don't think I've seen questioned in the rest of this thread: conversation A has a different audience than conversation B... that creates different answers that can be 100% true.

The same question ("Do we have a process?") can be answered in various ways depending on the audience (Internal, Customer A, Customer B, investors, etc)...

What you say internally can - and should - be handled differently than what's communicated externally. And, if you want to break this apart, this situation has many different groups - in this question alone - that should be handled different:

• Customer
• 1-1 clarifications (Manager: keep them to yourselves, don't include me)
• Team
• Team + Management
• Inter-team
• etc

I'm sure if you ask around, you can find MANY examples of those conversations crossing boundaries and wreaking havoc.

Answer 6

I think the issue is that the more senior developer thinks you understand what she is talking about, but from your point of view you do not understand and want some clarification.

Her reply "We already have a process etc etc" is very poorly worded and confusing, which is what you're expressing here on stackexchange. You're not challenging about the process, etc., you're just confused and want to understand, but from her point of view you're on the same page as her and challenging her suggestions.

Instead of saying: If that's the case, then we may need to create a new program for this. We can test in our Test Environment on Monday, then let "Business User" Verify before we put it into production. Please let me know your thoughts on this.

From her point of view, you're setting the tone of bypassing her seniority. This should instead be phrased like "RP, do you think we should create a new program for this?" This preserves her seniority in the conversation while ensuring you're seen as proactive. You'll still be misunderstanding her, however it will at least set the tone better that you're trying to understand her thoughts more instead of looking like you're challenging her.

A lot of developers (and people in general) think they're wording things very clearly and expect everyone to understand right away. However in reality, everything they write is vague and without context. This seems to be the case here, so you'll just have to deal with it. Try to frame things more as a question to preserve her seniority. Only if she accuses you of doing something you didn't, do you stand up for yourself. Always seek to get both of you on the same page first.

Answer 7

After reading that conversation carefully, I would say that you put your foot right in it.

You got a request from a customer, and asked someone with more experience what to do. You were told that there is no automated way to do it.

Then you went in waaaaaaay over your head proposing that some software should be created to do what you want. Look, that is absolutely none of your business. If you want some software to be created, you go to your manager, explain why that software would be needed or be helpful, your manager would figure out what the cost of the software is and what the benefits are, and how high on the list of priorities.

At that point, all the alarm bells are going off in the head of the experienced developer. She knows that you have a problem, and absolutely no business sense. She knows that if you try to go ahead, you might cause major damage, and since you proved to have no business sense, that's a reasonable fear. So now she tells you: Don't touch anything before you have talked to your manager.

Then comes an even bigger faux pas: You took parts of that response and sent it to your manager. That's how you destroy relationships.

I suggest sending an email to her that you will discuss with your manager what to do with this customer, and apologise for sending the email with parts of her answer to your manager, saying that this was a mistake and you won't do it again.

Just so you realise what you have done: The problem is not that you insulted her, or that you did something that she took as an insult - she is way ahead of you in seniority and experience, you can't insult her, you can only make her laugh about you. What you did was giving her a headache because she suddenly had to cope with an inexperienced co-worker who she feared might do something really stupid.

Answer 8

I think your initial request for clarification was generally fine (if only because it can be attributed to "miscommunications happen", and you should try to avoid that in future).

There was a whole lot wrong with your last reply though. Don't try to lighten the mood, especially not by being dismissive of her comments or telling her how to feel.

Removing all of that from your reply, you're left with something perfectly adequate and professional:

Hi RP. Thanks for clarifying. We can discuss this tomorrow to come up with a solution.

At this point, I might recommend doing nothing and making sure your future interactions are entirely professional.

You could also consider an apology:

I'm sorry about my last reply. It was a bit unprofessional.

Don't try to justify it in any way, don't say "sorry if", just leave it at that.

---

That response by your manager doesn't at all mean he/she was taking her side, he/she just didn't think all of that needed to be read by everyone else.

Answer 9

First off, I agree with the manager that the conversation starting with the clarification should have been 1:1 or maybe 1:1+Manager.

I think some of the problem here is getting more and more common, that's thinking of emails as an informal conversation. Remember when you send an email you are not conveying vocal intonation, body language, facial expressions, etc that people don't realize they use during a conversation to determine the mood of the person...text smileys don't really compensate for this. Emails should be kept formal, so they don't get misinterpreted.

I realize there is a time difference, but I think the best way to clear this up is with a phone/skype call. An in person conversation can go a lot further than an email chain which, at this point, I suspect will only make things worse.

Answer 10

To me it appears that you just have some issues with how you phrased certain statements and make it appear that it was their fault. My only advice is really to Avoid the quotation marks and smileys when clarifying, just be professional. Knowing your place helps a lot ("kung pano lumugar" in Filipino)

I understand that sometimes specs might not be exactly detailed enough, and you should have checked out with your supervisor or senior lead what the specs are about and how you should be tackling it.

However, since you are in a corporate world ( I assume ) you need to follow something like the concept of roles - setting your position and where you stand, and to write in a manner that shows that hey you're not pushing things, just asking for clarification - basically you need to phrase things in a both assertive yet non-insinuating way.

Another thing - don't put smileys ever unless you are like super close friends. It's OK to put it in so that people feel some warmth, but it tends to degrade the professional tone.

Also it wasn't that clear what that thing does, so you could've have done more research before sending an email asking for clarity - people in general don't have patience for minor questions asking what it's for, but would be more willing to help if you did some initial research by downloading the scripts that are probably already there just waiting to do some modification.

Good on you that you tried to clarify things, of course you could have done it one on one and not put smileys and make allegations. As part of remote work, you need to set video calls to determine what a person's take on things are clearly, and as already commented by others, some things are better one on one.

Anyway back to your questions:

1. Did I say anything wrong?

   • No, and you just skipped reading closely what they are saying and understanding each point.

2. What can I do at this point?

   • I don't suggest to resign, I suggest to talk to HR (if there is), or a close colleague on how to word things better

3. How can this be avoided?

   • Thank them for their suggestions and just get down to work and just treat it as just another day at the job. Just focus on what is expected of you (especially if you are still new to the company). By the way, I'm a Filipino but it shouldn't matter what nationality you are from

Answer 11

Some golden rules which have worked for me in my life inspired by Dale Carnegie "How to Win Friends and Influence People".

• Everyone needs to understand that all humans are different and need to appreciate the diversity in the workplace and value the ideas and energy everybody brings into the team.
• Moreover, everyone like to be valued and humans doesn't like to be disliked and blamed (especially in a group)
• You wouldn't like to talk to a person who doesn't understand you.
• One important thing to remember and believe is that everyone is working to achieve the common Goals in the Right way. All the team members (Developers, BA, QA, PM, Manager, Business User, Product Owner, Director....) are trying their best to fulfill and exceed customer Expectation.

Did I say anything wrong?
If you consider the perspective of RP and from her Response, I can think about following issues.

• You can make a better attempt to listen and understand the context what RP is communicating. Try to put yourself in RP shoes and think about it. She is trying to explain to a person who has less knowledge about the requirements, and you seem to be challenging her statements by quoting her in your email.
• She has explained the issues with the code and clearly pointed that it is not advisable to have the code run in production. You can try to understand that the Program needs some work and then make your recommendation regarding the plan for deployment into Prod.

What you could have done better with first Response to RP?

• Not to copy the Manager and the entire Team in the email. Your Manager is right that clarification should be 1:1. The reason being that you need to ensure that any confusion can be cleared among two people and not to make anyone look bad in a group.

• Whenever possible try to talk to the person by speaking to them physically, phone, chat or email (1:1).

What you could have done better with Second Response to RP?

• As noted in other answers too, don't try to use the word like calm down in the email. You are trying to make RP feel that she is already Upset with your response and didn't handle it well.

• You need to empathize with her and understand why she wrote such an email. Though i think she wasn't good with her response too you can control what you write, so try to empathize with her and make her feel that you would have responded to it in the same way if you would have been in her position. If you can realize that you understand her, then it at least will make her listen to what you want to say and be more open to discussion.

What can I do at this point?

• The first thing which you were doing correctly is appreciating that this email communication is an issue and you have started exploring other opinions and ways to improve.
• Try to emphasize with RP and team, listen and carefully understand what they are trying to communicate.
• Have informal 1:1 discussion with RP and talk about work or non-work things. Try to build a relationship with RP and make her understand why you did the things in that particular way
• Seek her feedback about this issue and issues in the past and try to be flexible and come with a working solution. You both need to accommodate each other views.
• Talk to your manager and let Manager know that you realized that this experience was a learning experience and what you learned. Additionally, seek Manager Feedback about the incident and how it can be handled gracefully.
• Understand the team culture and how the team like to works. Every team is different, and you need to flexible to adapt yourself. Once you adjust, you need to learn how to convince your team about your ideas.

How can this be avoided?
I can relate to you as I had similar experience earlier in my workplace too. I can say it was not just one incident which triggers this kind of an email but mostly a series of events and when finally the person burns out his/her frustration in an email. Try to look and douse the fire early enough so that it doesn't result in bigger incidents. Maybe a similar communication happened in the past but RP didn't respond in such a way. Try to get feedback from people by talking to them often and most importantly if you read my rest of the post then you will find some useful hints.

I hope you build a better relationship with your team and ultimately keep contributing to your team vision.