So it's been one week since I started an internship of 6 weeks in a communication and marketing department and I already feel like I'm doing a bad job. I have this dread feeling that it's not going well, and I'm making it worse and worse because I'm so stressed.
Just to say, my college field is not marketing: it's redaction. To summarize, I pretty much spent my time writing different kind of things in college. I'm the one who writes things, you know.
So here is what happened this week that let me think I'm a bad intern.
- I'm awkward and quiet, and it's worse when I'm anxious. I never been this anxious since a long time, and so I really, really have difficulties talking with my other coworkers since day one. I mean, I say hi and bye everyday, I present myself when I can, and I'm cheerful when they talk to me: but I don't involve myself in their conversations, nor do I try to start one. With how the office is build, I'm out of the principal group, so it's not natural for me to go up and just go talk to them. And it doesn't feel like they really want to talk to me either. I mean, they're o.k, but they don't do anything to involve me in their conversations. I don't blame them, they don't know me. But last week my boss told me I should be more sociable, and be more lay back with them, but I just can't. It's not in my nature and I'm too nervous.
- The only work I did for now is research. It's boring, but I'm not complaining and do it willingly: I'm a novice, so. But last week, my boss asks me to do a search file for a subject and tell me it's urgent, and I'm like o.k, good! But seriously, I never really did a search file for others. Just for me. So I do it, asks him a feedback. He doesn't say much, but his expression just say anything: he's not pleased. Finally he says it's a good start, but to go deeper, and he gives me a sample. I understood and went deeper: I made a 20 pages thing of this terrible subject with close to zero sources this weekend. I gave him yesterday, he told me he would read it. He didn't give me any feedback yet, so I don't know if I screwed up or not.
- I say stupid things all the time because I'm nervous. And I asked him very stupid things to try to avoid looking stupid. Like, I couldn't the button to open the computer. It's so dumb, but I couldn't find it! So I preferred to asks him where is the button before going on my knee and searching like an idiot. I still feel like an idiot.
- Last week I went to a meeting for a big project. We were 4, outside. While my supervisor was talking to another one, a bee came close to my face and stayed there. I'm the kind to jump and run, but I tried to stay still. I ended up making weird noises of fear, completely unprofessional. The fourth guy thought it was funny though.
- I was more lay back with my supervisor, with a much more colored language. Now I think he could say it's unprofessional (even if he's worse than me)
- Today, before going to work, I almost vomited: I would've if I have eaten (I intended to do it on the road). So I sent a message to my boss saying I should stay home, I don't want to bring a virus if there's one, I can do all of my work easily from home, send him what he needs, and I would come working friday instead (I work from home friday). Didn't get any response yet, but I already feel like shit to call sick after one week (even if I will work from home)
So here it is. Somewhere I just want to get fired or something: I'm exhausted from the stress, I cried so many times and I'm kind of glad to not go to work this morning. I know it's been only 1 week, and I know it's going to get better, but thinking I'm doing a bad job is just so frustrating.
Update: I think somewhere I'm anxious too because I will be involved in big projects. There's one project that he's particularly fond of, but he need to sell it to the corporation to make it work. He told me I would be the one writing the presentation project, and I NEED to sell it. I'll take the challenge, but I'm scared to fail it and then fail this marketing project.