Hot answers tagged

119

But on some days when the manager barely looks at me and only nods or grunts responses to my attempted small talk, it hurts my feelings. [...] I think the solution is to change my attitude and remain optimistic for a better day tomorrow. Yup, this is the solution. It seems that you are taking it personally when you should try not to take it that way. ...


112

You may see yourself as a friendly and engaging person. But it's also possible that some other people see you as an annoying person, whose excessive conversation kills productivity, who can't separate business from private life, etc. Or maybe someone is in the break room because they need time away from the computer to think about a complex problem. An ...


98

It's quite uncomfortable for me to share a break room with someone who won't engage in conversation with me. The point of a break is to have a break from the obligated activities of the workplace. You might prefer to spend your break socializing, someone else might prefer to spend it quietly in their thoughts. Ultimately this is an issue of consent. No, it'...


49

To make you think from the other persons view I'm going to ask the same question from the other perspective. I'll make assumptions where I don't have enough information. I'll try to keep the writing style from the question here: How should I deal with coworkers who won't understand I don't feel like engaging in small talk? I work with a great team of ...


28

I fit the demographic of the other people in your environment basically to a "T". I'm an introverted, middle-aged, white, male programmer. I'm also learning disabled too, which I'm personally convinced there are a lot of us who end up as programmers for a variety of reasons but I have no data to back that up. I finally found a job last year that ...


22

that is not mine to fullfill and not my job to do. Unless you have a contract or local labor rules that specifically exempt you from certain activities, your job is whatever your boss says your job is. It's perfectly normal for an engineer to help out if work needs to get done and the techs are busy or overloaded. Now if you don't like this type of work or ...


18

It's not a "men" thing. I myself (female) despise small talk, as it is very tiring. Not only you have to think of things to say when it gets quiet, but you also have a restricted field of conversation, a little faux-pas and you will be seen as "weird" by your coworkers. When I take a break, I don't want people to come and interrupt my ...


16

It's funny when you think about it this way, but research has shown that we humans have a basic need to tell ourselves a story to explain when bad things happen to us. When someone cuts us off in traffic, or a coworker is short with us, or a friend doesn't return a phone call or text, we have this need to tell ourselves a story to explain it. Our internal ...


14

How to help my manager understand I am very stressed ? Why? What do you expect your manager to do after he "understands"? Chances are your manager knows quite well that you are stressed (and he is too). But that doesn't really help until it results in some specific action or changes. Start thinking about what do you want/need these changes or ...


13

I've spent countless hours working after hours and sometimes during the weekend to show how I'm engaged with company purpose. What looks like engagement to you looks like inefficiency to your managers. You are supposed to finish your work in 40 h/week, instead of 60(?) h/week. During last month he has been complaining a lot about my behaviour when ...


11

What recourse do I have for this behaviour? Not much. You could escalate this to any other stakeholders that there are for this computer programme, and explain why this is a bad idea, but that would involve bypassing your boss, who would undoubtedly wratchet up his wrath against you as a result. This would have negative repercussions for your future at the ...


10

How can I handle it better when this happens? My suggestion is to behave as though you were on a break alone. Get out a magazine or novel and read. Go onto social media or text a friend. Why do so many men often do this? It's not fashionable these days to talk about the differences between men and women except when it's a criticism of men. Speaking as a ...


8

There are in the end two approaches to remove stress: Either you remove the cause of the stress. If you can't, you can remove your reaction to the causes. As in "don't care about it". If you are under stress because your manager is in competition with another department - don't care whether he wins or loses. If a customer is complaining - so sad, ...


7

Ultimately, there's nothing much you can do. You can't fire your manager. So your options are:- Resign immediately (bad idea), Find another job and then resign (much more sensible), or Live with it and carry on doing your job. I suspect your employer realised they have a problem. There is an important calculation being done in the company, and it's ...


7

Most contracts have “other duties as assigned”. And refusing the duties is grounds for dismissal. Unless you are being consistently picked for the scut work, it’s not a problem, and even then the thing you should be concerned about is that they are paying an awful lot for scut work — if you spend 50 % of your time cleaning the bathroom and the break room ...


7

How to help my manager understand I am very stressed You do not "help" him understand anything. You just need to organize a face-to-face meeting with him, and explain your point of view. Together, you might be able to find a way out of the situation. Just tell him what you told us here. (as opposed to just telling him that I am very stressed) &...


6

Maybe it's not about you, but about them. Maybe they're (more or less covertly) depressed, and are having an off day. My advice is to simply let them be. They may reach out later on if they feel like it. As for you, please don't feel bad about that yourself. You could even change your perspective to one where you take pride in giving them the space they seem ...


6

I can't exactly answer your question, because you use almost identical words to tell us what you experienced and then in the proposed email, and ask if it's accurate, and since I have no independent knowledge of the situation you're describing, I can't know how accurate it is. However, I can still give you some advice. You're "burying the lede" by ...


6

You're an extrovert, your co-workers are introverts. You want them to behave more like you. The secret to getting this behaviour from an introvert is finding out what they are interested in. You're already trying to do this - as an extrovert, your way of finding out more about others is by starting with small talk, and escalating to more meaningful subjects. ...


5

I'm also a female who typically works with all men. My first advice to you would be to consider whether you are adhering to workplace social norms. Whatever they are, they haven't changed this guy, so it's likely that either the culture is such that everyone is collectively letting him be, or the culture is the opposite of your ideal chatty case. I'm ...


5

Introvert vs. extrovert may be part of it. But there are jobs that require brain power, and I can get into a mode where I totally focus on a problem to solve and anything around me is just annoying interference that I need to get rid of with the least effort possible. In that situation, if you try to talk to me, I will grunt and ignore you :-) (That said, I ...


5

A good way to do this is a private conversation with the manager - book some time on the manager's calendar. By booking time you set up the space for a private and undisturbed conversation. That way, we can hope that the manager will give you undivided attention, and also be able to say things that could not be said in public. Start with - "I'm free ...


4

Thats just how workplace is. Everyone gets tired and wants to move on as fast as possible, having spare time and energy for a chit-chat can quickly become luxury after a long, tiring workday. Its not rude or personal, just a simple reality of working. Just don't hold it against them, as you grow older you'll understand how small can your "energy tank&...


4

You don't. You take steps to alleviate your stress. If it is at the point where it is affecting your job, you have an untreated medical condition, and the responsibility for treating it is on you. Seek the help of a professional, and follow his instructions. It is important that you do this before you take any other action, including going to HR because HR ...


4

Stick it out for now As other answers have said - its not unusual to be given other tasks than your specific title may indicate. However at the moment it sounds like this is a one off (or at least a rare occurrence) if you find a few months down the line you're doing this sort of work 4 days a week and rushing the engineering then you need to have a ...


4

I'm going to address the issue of how to handle the meeting timing, which doesn't seem to have been directly addressed by any other answer. Obviously the time of the meeting is not of itself a problem. Meetings where you aren't given a chance to prepare can a problem, but are also very common. Lot's of people actually prefer that the first time they present ...


3

In this specific case, it is perhaps already too late, but I would suggest some pointers for the next time your boss has "The Greatest Architectural Idea Ever" (aka a bad architectural idea). 1. Stay Positive Your boss has clear organisation authority here. If it comes down to a straight argument between you and them, you will lose. So you have to ...


3

Flexibility is a two-way street: if you show you're flexible for this kind of request, other people might be more flexible to your requests. My suggestion would be that as long as it's not something entirely unreasonable, or that would make your regular tasks suffer, just do it and show that you're not making a fuss out of it.


2

Many good answers have been given, but this seems like the kind of question that deserves some diversity in reality checks, and right now, I'm all up for giving unpopular opinions. sharing a break room for at least half the day I'm not familiar with many workplaces where people will use a break room for that long. I understand this to be some resting place ...


1

What recourse do I have for this behaviour? Your boss is asking you to do something you know is a bad idea. It might hinder the success of the project and be harmful to the company. I can think of a few options: Resign immediately If your goal is to send a message, this would probably be the most effective way to do so. Your boss would be forced to reflect ...


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