119

But on some days when the manager barely looks at me and only nods or grunts responses to my attempted small talk, it hurts my feelings. [...] I think the solution is to change my attitude and remain optimistic for a better day tomorrow. Yup, this is the solution. It seems that you are taking it personally when you should try not to take it that way. ...


112

You may see yourself as a friendly and engaging person. But it's also possible that some other people see you as an annoying person, whose excessive conversation kills productivity, who can't separate business from private life, etc. Or maybe someone is in the break room because they need time away from the computer to think about a complex problem. An ...


98

It's quite uncomfortable for me to share a break room with someone who won't engage in conversation with me. The point of a break is to have a break from the obligated activities of the workplace. You might prefer to spend your break socializing, someone else might prefer to spend it quietly in their thoughts. Ultimately this is an issue of consent. No, it'...


49

To make you think from the other persons view I'm going to ask the same question from the other perspective. I'll make assumptions where I don't have enough information. I'll try to keep the writing style from the question here: How should I deal with coworkers who won't understand I don't feel like engaging in small talk? I work with a great team of ...


28

I fit the demographic of the other people in your environment basically to a "T". I'm an introverted, middle-aged, white, male programmer. I'm also learning disabled too, which I'm personally convinced there are a lot of us who end up as programmers for a variety of reasons but I have no data to back that up. I finally found a job last year that ...


26

When voluntarily leaving one permanent white-collar job for another, you perform these steps in this exact order for safety and professionalism: While you're interviewing, do quiet pre-research to figure out details about timing when you want to leave your current job. What is your required notice? (Two weeks is customary in the US if there is not a notice ...


18

It's not a "men" thing. I myself (female) despise small talk, as it is very tiring. Not only you have to think of things to say when it gets quiet, but you also have a restricted field of conversation, a little faux-pas and you will be seen as "weird" by your coworkers. When I take a break, I don't want people to come and interrupt my ...


16

It's funny when you think about it this way, but research has shown that we humans have a basic need to tell ourselves a story to explain when bad things happen to us. When someone cuts us off in traffic, or a coworker is short with us, or a friend doesn't return a phone call or text, we have this need to tell ourselves a story to explain it. Our internal ...


12

You mention problems you see in your future... but a co-working space won't help with any points you mention. Co-working spaces are good if you don't have space at home, don't want to work at home, or if you want a place to meet with clients. There are some networking opportunities, as these spaces are full of start-ups. You may end up getting some work, but ...


10

How can I handle it better when this happens? My suggestion is to behave as though you were on a break alone. Get out a magazine or novel and read. Go onto social media or text a friend. Why do so many men often do this? It's not fashionable these days to talk about the differences between men and women except when it's a criticism of men. Speaking as a ...


8

Don't complain in a retrospective, and certainly not about specific people. It can be cathartic, but it's not going to change anything and it's not going to endear you to anyone. Save that for outside of work with your friends and/or spouse. Instead, focus on things you'd like to improve in the future. If you feel that the new workflow didn't address the ...


6

Maybe it's not about you, but about them. Maybe they're (more or less covertly) depressed, and are having an off day. My advice is to simply let them be. They may reach out later on if they feel like it. As for you, please don't feel bad about that yourself. You could even change your perspective to one where you take pride in giving them the space they seem ...


6

You're an extrovert, your co-workers are introverts. You want them to behave more like you. The secret to getting this behaviour from an introvert is finding out what they are interested in. You're already trying to do this - as an extrovert, your way of finding out more about others is by starting with small talk, and escalating to more meaningful subjects. ...


6

Welcome to life as a developer. You will encounter these situations somewhat often. The best thing to do is keep campaigning for changes in practices (probably starting with security) and make sure that you leave the place better than when you arrived. As for leaving the place, give it a bit of time, maybe things will clear up? But I would be brushing off my ...


5

Make a business case for it. The CEO might not understand IT, but he probably understands money. If dealing with broken code costs you half your time, then that means it’s costing the company half your salary in dollars, plus similar proportions for each additional employee affected. Take those numbers, do the multiplication, and arrive at a dollar value- ...


5

I'm also a female who typically works with all men. My first advice to you would be to consider whether you are adhering to workplace social norms. Whatever they are, they haven't changed this guy, so it's likely that either the culture is such that everyone is collectively letting him be, or the culture is the opposite of your ideal chatty case. I'm ...


5

Introvert vs. extrovert may be part of it. But there are jobs that require brain power, and I can get into a mode where I totally focus on a problem to solve and anything around me is just annoying interference that I need to get rid of with the least effort possible. In that situation, if you try to talk to me, I will grunt and ignore you :-) (That said, I ...


4

Thats just how workplace is. Everyone gets tired and wants to move on as fast as possible, having spare time and energy for a chit-chat can quickly become luxury after a long, tiring workday. Its not rude or personal, just a simple reality of working. Just don't hold it against them, as you grow older you'll understand how small can your "energy tank&...


4

I agree with flexi's answer, but I still want to provide a few solutions to your problem: Participate in various events to build your network. Be it hackathons, IT events, your local meetups or communities in general. They will help you much much better than working at a co-working place. Start something new. Be it a Youtube channel, a blog, a personal ...


2

Many good answers have been given, but this seems like the kind of question that deserves some diversity in reality checks, and right now, I'm all up for giving unpopular opinions. sharing a break room for at least half the day I'm not familiar with many workplaces where people will use a break room for that long. I understand this to be some resting place ...


2

Look for a better job and hope you find one as long as you are getting paid. Since your company has no security, it’s only a matter of time until your company gets hacked and possibly wiped out in the process. I wouldn’t even bother to try and change anything. That has to come from the CEO.


1

The CEO doesn't understand or care about development and IT, and only rewards new developments. And I would ideally like to re-write the software I depend on to be more robust, but I don't want to spend all my time doing someone else's job. Seem to be the root cause. If no one is responsible, then everyone is responsible. You could start refactoring ...


1

I think that a lot of people make very good points, but I'd like to add something. I think it's wrong to focus entirely on "I'm a comparatively junior member of the staff" or "I'm a woman amongst a bigger group of men". You should also look at "I'm younger, I'm fitter, I don't have as many divorces in my background, I don't have ...


1

It didn't go like I assumed, it really went wrong. The main action will be asking for feedback: You want feedback about how/why each points were taken/dismissed with all TLs/POs meeting. (Actions 2 or 3 from previous answer) You want them to ask for feedback (at the very least from people who made points but were not part of the meeting). Maybe each TL/PO ...


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