How can I regain a professional atmosphere with someone who may have seen me misbehave? [closed]

Question

I believe a female colleague saw me masturbating at work. I was in my office after hours with the door locked and blinds down, but I'm afraid the blinds had a crack. I am not an exhibitionist, and this was a moment of weakness. This incident would have been over a month ago, and yes, I have stopped doing that. I only work with my door and blinds open now.

She's been glaring at me for weeks with what looks like contempt. Sometimes I won't even know she's there, but I turn to see her staring me down. It's incredibly uncomfortable.

I have not approached her, and it has never been acknowledged that this is why she's upset. Actually, I'm not even 100% sure if she saw me, but I cannot explain the behavior otherwise, as our rapport went from positive to suddenly hostile without any explanation. I once went to her cubicle and she immediately told me my presence was unwanted. She has had a history of reporting male colleagues that have unwanted advances on her, so I'm afraid that whatever I do to rectify the scenario will make it worse. I don't generally spend time around this person, so I can't think what else I could have done to offend.

How should I approach this scenario? It could be that she's mad about something entirely different, but I wouldn't have the slightest idea at what.

This is in a midwestern US company with roughly 200 employees. We're not in the same unit, but at times are at the same meetings. Nobody else seems to be treating me differently, and I am generally very well-liked by my other colleagues.

Answer 1

Do nothing. Anything you do would contribute to validating the story she possibly could tell. That story now would be "I watched through the closed blinds of the office of a co-worker, and I thought he may be masturbating" and then it could be followed by "so I watched long enough to be sure" or "I turned away quickly". No matter how inappropriate or disgusting, neither case is the basis for clear-cut sexual harassment. Not sure how your company handles such inappropriate behavior, but better not to ask.

Edit/Explanation: After some attempted interpretations (see discussions on meta) and other answers I feel the need to clarify a little bit. I do not suggest to lie. I suggest strongly not to lie. I do not suggest to "pretend it never happened". I do not suggest to attack the credibility of the co-worker. My answer was more oriented toward playing trough the different scenarios:

• she did not see anything/she walked away without watching. Then any discussion/communication with her about it would probably be worse for her (and for sure worse for the OP) than saying nothing. in this case, most likely she has nothing to report to anybody.

• she saw and watched close enough. Now that is a little tricky. It was definitely not directed action towards her, different people have different levels of tolerance to such things and staying and watching is probably not a sign that it scared her especially. So while still potentially disgusting and disturbing it is not an personal attack against her or public exhibitionism (also taking the criminal problem of the table). Also here, communicating with her about it is probably worse than not.

• In no case it is a sexist action - at least for me - if I (male) would see a (male or female) co-worker masturbating in the office i would also be at least upset.

So what is on the table now: a professional misbehavior without a judicable interaction. While it it is probably enough for a written warning (and being fired if repeated), it is IMHO likely not enough for firing the OP. Under these circumstances, doing anything himself to "settle" this with the female colleague/HR may give more unpleasant attention her than it actually prevents. Also while I say "don't lie" I also find it not necessary to incriminate yourself.

So why do i say "don't lie"? Very simple: this takes it to a whole other (criminal, unethical) level. With negative consequences for the female co-worker, and in case that she had a mobile phone to take a picture, for the OP. The cover-up here would be worse than the crime (since the crime is probably not a crime, but the cover-up may be).

That leave the question: What should he say in case he is being interviewed by HR/manage? I suppose "I refuse to comment on that(, and i would prefer if a union representative is present)" could be an answer. He could make it clear that this refers to anything which people believe to have perceived behind closed window blinds/locked doors.

So not acting at all seems a good path

Answer 2

So a co-worker who's already had to deal with inappropriate advances from multiple male colleagues now on top of that has to put up with someone exposing themselves to her while at work? And to make things worse since you have an office and she has a cubicle I'm guessing you are higher status within the organisation?

Yeah. You're in the wrong here.

It looks like she hasn't made any kind of formal complaint or been gossiping around the office so you may be in luck on this one. It is good that you have already made sure to change your behavior.

As to the rest? She's said what she wants - she doesn't want to be anywhere near you.

So respect that. Don't go near her. Don't talk to her, definitely don't go to her cubicle.

As to the rest, are you sure you aren't projecting your guilty conscience onto her behavior? Either way though if she stares at you then that's your problem, not hers. You're lucky that's all she's doing and every time you get a look of disgust across the office be grateful that it is that not a formal complaint.

Answer 3

The way I see it, you have three options. You can keep silent, to resolve the manner via a confrontation, or quit the company. Which option to take depends on how much damage keeping the status quo does to you, and how much you value your current job.

Keep silent

If you keep silent, as e.g. Sacha suggests, it is likely that this matter will never be resolved. If this makes your mind at ease, then this is a good option. If, however, the reason you are asking about this a month after the incident is that this weighs heavily on your mind (either due to guilt, or fear of bad consequence if your colleague speaks up), then keeping it to yourselves might not be a good option. It is up to you to decide how much the fact that this incident is unresolved bothers you. If you choose to remain silent, consider talking in confidence to someone outside the company for support.

Tell her what you did

One way to get rid of the uncertainty of this issue is to simply "come clean" against your colleague. I think the best way to do this is to arrange for a private meeting with her and someone else from the company (someone from HR perhaps) that should 'mediate' between you and her. Another important point is to be honest, do not try to hide what you did, but also make it clear that it was a mistake, that you are sorry for her to have had witnessed it and that you will never do it again.

If you do that, all you can do is hope for the best. Professionally, this option is pretty risky, if she does not accept your apology, you may get fired and possibly be haunted by the incident in the future if this gets public as a result. It might be a good idea to familiarize yourself with the company policy and what they can/will do as a response to your incident.

Quit

The final option is to avoid the problem entirely and quit the company. It is possible that this will lead to rumours, but those will be just that: rumours. This is a safe option, but costly, especially if you like your job otherwise.

Answer 4

What constitutes "professional" conduct is not innate and is ultimately subjective. I was struck by your characterization of "moment of weakness", as it is very telling yet unfortunate. There is nothing innately wrong with masturbating. You wanted, and in turn created, a private area for yourself. Someone may have inadvertently saw you. One might expect a mature adult to "act professionally" and realize that masturbation is not wrong, that it was not meant for her eyes, and that playing a game of tittle-tattle is silly.

Again, what constitutes "professional" behavior is ultimately subjective. Therefore, stick to guns without capitulating to someone else's point of view. Why is their point of view any more important than yours?

There is the legal angle (which is also ultimately subjective). She has no proof, therefore my suggestion would be to completely ignore the situation as though nothing happened. If this even comes up in an official capacity, vigorously deny all of it. You did no harm nor had any intention to..

Answer 5

Have you ever heard of the notorious book Crime And Punishment by Dostoevsky? As a recap, The main character gets away totally clean of murder, but a heavy burden of guilt for what he has done lays the foundation for guiding him to become the main suspect at the scene of the crime over some period of time. His whole persona in the way he interacts with people is entirely altered because he cannot rest his conscience, ultimately driving him into the hands of the law to be condemned for his actions. It's safe to say that the way he approached every interaction led people to believe that he was guilty.

You should stop feeling guilty for something that never happened in the first place...

Answer 6

You don't specify whether you are male or female. This is not relevant, of course.

Quit. Hand in your resignation immediately. Not at the end of the week, not at the end of the day, immediately. You acted breathtakingly unprofessionally and are now contributing to a hostile work environment. I'm stunned that you have decided to continue working there for a full month, knowing full well you have made your coworker uncomfortable. This is deeply inappropriate and probably places your company at substantial legal risk.

Whether or not you need therapy and/or training on how to set appropriate boundaries before taking your next job is really up to you. Whatever series of events lead to you behaving like you did a month ago must never recur and you must do whatever is necessary to ensure this. A therapist could also help you understand how harmful your decision was, to continue working there and continue contributing to the hostile work environment. Hopefully, the therapist could also help you with your denial. Of course your coworker is upset because of your masturbation, why on earth would you be uncertain about this?

I'd suggest not stating the reason why you are leaving and not talking to the female coworker without first seeking legal advice because it's at least plausible you have committed a crime. I mean, yes, you are morally obligated to apologize but I doubt any lawyer is going to recommend this due to your legal jeopardy.

Answer 7

It's really bad situation Sir, but s*x its something natural. and to be honest with you don't go to check if she has been seeing you at this moment (masturbate) its more than a month with no report about you its fine. start to trying to forget what happened in this day and the first the office its privity zone you don't open the door without asking. and spying its bad things. don't worry and try to forget and stop doing this mas.. its at all not good .

Answer 8

Edit: I pacified 70 angry charging cows one time, using specific animal behaviour, so you can either trust my judgement or get squashed by 70 rutting bulls.

Clarification for autist spectrum people: Some girls came home running and crying from the forest one day because they had seen a farmer pissing in a field and they saw his penis. They said he was a flasher, and they were scared and nearly crying. Can you imagine an young man running home crying if he sees a woman weeing? What's the proportion of female flashers? Be objective about men weardin dresses and sex difference. This reality is the basis for my controversial reply:

It will probably take at least a year or two until a sense of decency has returned to your area of her office. She probably doesn't want have to interact with someone who has confidently masturbated at work. If you need to be reassured after having done something wrong, You can use gestural communication which expresses that you are seeking forgiveness for the incident.

From a psychological point of view, you should avoid eye contact with her, look down meekly, and put your hand on your top shirt button or nibble your thumbnail momentarily when you pass her. That's a common sign of acknowledgement that you have done something wrong, and a gesture that you are not a threat. It's called pacifying body language which is respectful and essentially the opposite of gesturing towards your crotch.

Where I live in Southern France, 95 percent of rural cyclists are male, The women simply feel too threatened or harassed to cycle alone out of town. In town it's 50/50. That's why I say: Women get startled and shocked pretty easily from sexual threats like flashers. I do that gesture when I am out in forest or the country tracks and I cross paths with a lone female, because they can sometimes become scared if there is no clear gestural communication. I prefer to gesture like a waif than scare/disturb scare someone when I'm out walking near stables, despite having a big jaw and a craning neck and lots of muscles, I make a waif gesture with my hand. I don't cross confused or worried young ladies anymore as a consequence. Women constantly do that gesture to me, that's why I figured that they understand it.

In your case it's a bit extreme so just look down on the floor as soon as she sees you, avoid eye contact or make it brief and make a respectful gesture because that's the nature of society.

From a professional viewpoint, It's not something that ever happened, and you should set aside 5 minutes of every day to take care of your needs early in the morning and after work to avoid being tempted at work.