Colleague who I barely know or speak to says something inappropriate about me and the entire team laughed

Question

In a meeting yesterday I was the only one remotely tuned in to the meeting. One colleague asks if I was about to say something and I said No. Another colleague ( who I only spoke to a few times) says straight after "For a change..." The whole room laughed. My manager even laughed.

I'm only new to the job a few months, kept my head down and was polite to everyone. I don't know what to do. I'm a woman and this was a man. Nobody cares about me or how on earth he thought it was acceptable. I'm working remotely the rest of the month but I will have to work with him in the future. Has anyone advice on how to approach the subject? I just want to keep my job.

Answer 1

You say you want to keep your job.

You barely know these people and the company culture. You don't know if this was a friendly (albeit slightly stupid) thing to say, there may have been no malice intended.

Best thing to do for now is note this down and move on. If the behavior starts turning into a pattern in the future then you can think about what you want to do. In the meantime focus on learning your job.

Answer 2

The advice that I would give anyone.

Don't attribute to malice what can be attributed to ignorance.

_{This has a an addendum, once is coincidence, twice is enemy action.}

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Without knowing who you are/ who this person who just ribbed you is/more context on the situation as a whole. Its really hard to judge.

It could be sexism, but I wouldn't be so quick to assume that.

2 assumptions I am making.

1. This is your first real job, and you haven't worked around/with a lot of men before. I am basing this off of your unreasonable concern for your job security.

2. This is not a part of a larger pattern. I am basing this off of thte fact that you have only described a one-off event, and didn't have a hundred examples of how Mr. X. was sexist.

Men do this thing which is referred to by anthropologists as "Ritual opposition" or sport/play fighting. When they are young, boys roughhouse, wrestle etc... As they grow older they start engaging in verbal sparring. This includes ribbing, banter, insults, and nicknames (which are almost exclusively something that makes fun of you). In fact the closer men are to each other the worse the ribbing/banter/insults become. This can become extremely habitual to men, that often they will rag someone when the opportunity arises out of habit, without thinking.

To a women this might seem very confrontational/uncomfortable/unfriendly environment to be in. But for guys its the opposite, it reduces stress, and makes them feel welcome.

TLDR: Don't stress about it. Or better yet join in. If the guys are ribbing you it means you are one of them.

Answer 3

In my opinion, this sounds like Bants

Banter

Now, There are cultural norms here - but with a name like Valleyhill, I am presuming English or American - and so my answer will be from that perspective.

The first clue is that everyone laughed, which tends to suggest it was light-hearted and intended to be witty. The second clue is that you have not indicated that there were multiple instances or an escalation of behavior.

When I was younger (in the UK) it took me a while to get the concept of Banter and I used to get upset at various remarks etc. Until I learned the rules of the game - which is to laugh along with everyone else, and fire back with a similarly witty retort of your own.

People who are not familiar with Banter, especially Banter between Men and especially Banter between Men that is now directed at a Woman - often assume it is Sexist or insulting. Which is not true IMO. Whilst there might be an element of stereotyping, it is not done with any malice.

A good response (for example) would be something like: Oh, so you DO listen sometimes

Answer 4

Ask your manager what that comment meant and if you in general are perceived to talk too much. And for now I would drop the sexism angle until it's becoming more clear that it is actually related to sexism and not something else.

Answer 5

My guess is that you're very thorough and detailed in your comments in meetings so far, maybe more so than is normal in their group, and he is responding to that. I would take it as a compliment. It's likely that it's meant well.