How to handle a coworker being sexually harassed

Question

About a week ago, one of my coworkers, we’ll call her Bertha, got a text from another coworker, we’ll call him Absalom, that made her feel uncomfortable. The text basically insinuated that he was attracted to a certain part of her body. She responded by saying she thought he sent it to the wrong person but he confirmed that he did not after which point she just didn’t respond.

When Bertha told me about this encounter I encouraged her to make a written statement about the incident and confront Absalom, tell him the text made her feel uncomfortable, and that she would like to keep their relationship strictly professional.

Absalom however works in the warehouse, and Bertha has to rely on him to retrieve supplies to help her do her job (we aren’t allowed to get them from the warehouse ourselves). She’s worried that if she confronts him or talks to HR that he will retaliate by ignoring her requests for supplies which will affect her job performance.

I know both Absalom and Bertha fairly well. I think we’re all grown ups here and that although he may be embarrassed if she confronts him, that he won’t let it affect their jobs, although I can’t say for sure.

Is there any other advice I can give Bertha to help her so she doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable around Absalom at work anymore? I don’t want to go against her wishes and talk to Absalom or HR directly behind her back, but I also don’t think the situation she’s in right now is fair to her.

Answer 1

In an ideal world, A would not have done this in the first place.

In a just-slightly-less ideal world, B could go to her boss, or HR, and A would be told this is completely unacceptable. A might be fired, or put on a warning, but either way would never do it again and would not treat B poorly for reporting A's bad behaviour.

But B knows that we are not in that world. B knows there's a good chance that the boss or HR will laugh, tell her she should be flattered, give her [body part] a good long stare and tell her you know what, it is fantastic, you have to give him credit for that ha ha. B knows that even if she manages to get anyone with power at the company to care what A did, and tell A to stop, that it probably won't work, and that A does have the power to make her job harder afterwards. She also knows that going and telling the same people "since I complained, A is making my job harder" might result in her being seen as the problem.

This is almost certainly why B is coming to you for advice. After all "tell your boss" and "tell HR" are not galaxy-brain level solutions to this problem. To imagine that neither of them has occurred to her is pretty rude really. You could ask "why can't you" about them -- but be careful it doesn't sound like "I think you should" when you do.

B is going to feel uncomfortable around A at work. It's not just that he admires her [body part]. It's that he knows that it's cool for him to tell her that without being nervous about how she'll react to it. Think about where he got that confidence from. You say "we're all grownups" but a grownup either wouldn't do that, or is showing that they are selfish and inconsiderate along with being grown up.

If B came to me about this, I would encourage her to first start looking for a new job. Then to tell A both how wrong the text was and "I better not have any issues with my supplies after this!" trying to channel the same insouciant confidence A had when sending the text. At the first sign of supply issues, straight to the boss to give the company one chance to fix it. And when she finds a better job, almost certainly to take it. A's behaviour almost certainly started subtler and has only become this direct because there have never been consequences. I therefore expect there will be no consequences this time. Some people just don't see this as a problem.

So most of all, do tell B there are companies where this doesn't happen and she can find one.

Answer 2

It is admirable that you have been a sounding board for her concerns, but if she's made it clear that she doesn't want to go to HR then the probable best thing for you to do is to step back and stay out of it. If you get involved, it may backfire and mess things up for you.

The person has clearly created a hostile work environment for her. Most companies are proactive and provide training for all employees to recognize what sexual harassment is and how to report it. If your friend is ignoring such advisement, even in light of the fact that HR is there to mitigate situations and prevent liability for the company, there's really nothing else you can do. Should the behavior continue, it's okay to be compassionate but it's also important to establish the boundary that your friend needs to handle her business herself and not dump on you.

You have written about what is fair to her. What's fair is that there are official channels she can use. You also have to consider what is fair to yourself.

Best of luck.

Answer 3

First of all, it doesn't seem like it's your business. Maybe B is somewhat interested in A and doesn't want to show her affection (and to you, given that you know about what A wrote to her). It is up to her to take action either way.

Now, if you still want to involve yourself in that matter, tell B to tell A that she is not interested in him. If A starts to cause trouble, tell B to tell A to stop bothering her or else she will escalate it to her superior.

I think we’re all grown ups here

If this is true, there is no problem to begin with.