How do I, an introvert, communicate to my friend and only colleague, an extrovert, that I want to spend my scheduled breaks without them?

Question

I'm an introvert and as an introvert I like to take a break by spending some time alone.

My only other team member is an extrovert and wants me to spend time with her. Initially our personal relationship was nothing beyond that of cordiality, but as time passed by, we bonded over some long running projects and developed a friendship.

Now, I've realized that it is expected of me to always accompany my teammate/friend to our scheduled breaks, but these breaks are not enough for my own rejuvenation and I feel the need to take additional breaks, which affect my productivity.

I'm quite unsure about how to convey this feeling to my colleague. How should I raise this with her?

Answer 1

Probably good to know, you are not the first and only one in this position. Being an introvert myself and started in a consulting role with many extroverts I fully understand your position.

The best thing to do is to say it to her as you express it in your question. Almost everyone, extroverts included, understand the need to have some alone-time. The situation is probably more problematic in your head than it is with your colleague.

By giving that break a name like alone-time can help to have those breaks accepted. I did it at home and at work and in both places it is fully accepted.

Answer 2

My wife is an extrovert (weirdo... :) ), while her daughter is an introvert (aka, perfectly normal). When our daughter needs alone time to reset, she just says "I need a couple of hours alone, please", and she gets it. Nobody gets upset over it, and it's not a big issue.

Communication is key - talk to your co-worker, and tell her that it's nothing personal, but you just need some time alone. It's a physiological response. As explained in https://www.quietrev.com/why-introverts-and-extroverts-are-different-the-science/; it's the way brains are wired to handle dopamine overloads. Introverts who get overstimulated need quiet time to reset, while extroverts enjoy it and seek more.

Answer 3

Carefully address your needs while also putting yourself into your coworkers/friends position.

Honesty goes a long way, so just tell her the truth. Tell her you need some lunch breaks spent alone in order to relax and calm down but that you really like her and want to spend time with her. When you add this she will get a better grip on your issue and not mistake the reason for you disliking her.

You can do this by using so called "I" statements. To provide an example, when you would normally say "You expect me accompanying you too often", you say "I feel like..." instead. That way both of you will have a better conversation, lowering the chance of her feelings getting hurt as the situation is naturally not her "fault" anyway.

Good luck! :-)

Answer 4

Get some more people involved in the regular breaks.

I know that sounds like the exact opposite of what you want, but when there are 4 or 5 people who regularly get coffee (or whatever) together, then it'll be a lot easier for you to say "Sorry, I can't make it today" without your coworker pressuring you to come - she'll have other people to spend time with, so everyone wins.

Answer 5

You've already built trust and kind of a "friendship" with each other, so I would simple tell her my needs for some occasional "lonely time".

You should put it in a way that does not hurt her feelings, though. State clearly that you have no problem with her personally, and that you would like to continue your relationship normally, you just need a couple of breaks. It's critical to be sincere and to say things clearly, so that she understands your reasons. Rather than breaking your links with your co-worker, this is actually a chance to reinforce them as you are disclosing something quite personal!

As it's so often the case, a mixed solution is a great answer. Spend some of your breaks alone and others with other people in a balance that allows you to get the best of both worlds!

Answer 6

I had a colleague that I wouldnt call a "friend" exactly. I would never call her at home for personal reasons nor would our families spend time together after work etc. But rather "work friends", a pleasant working relationship with someone who you are very familiar with from working closely, together, for years and years and who sat 3 desks away from me every day for 16 years. We cared if each other was ill and were happy for each other when babies came etc. We even planned baby showers for each other, at work. If given the opportunity at the occasional happy hour we would always end up sitting with each other, talking and having a good time. I wouldnt categorize either of us extro or introvert. Several times a week, I would find that we would sit a few tables away from each other (alone) in the work restaurant. It was before cell phones, lol, so we were both reading the newspaper and/or doing the puzzles in them etc, while we ate - alone. So one day, I walked over to her, with lunch and puzzle book in hand and asked her if she would "mind if I joined her for lunch, today". I was assuming she was going to say "sure", so I was already pulling out the chair to sit down when she dumbfounded me with "I'd rather you didnt. Id like to spend my breaks alone." Embarrassed, I said lying and trying to regroup while standing there like an idiot: "I totally understand, let's go out for lunch some time when things settle down for you." Her response was nothing short of devastating, and it was like putting salt in the wound she had already caused. She said: "I dont go out for lunch." and then crickets.I just stood there not knowing what to say or do, embarrassed I just turned heal and went back to my desk in disbelief that this otherwise very friendly person could be so cruel. Being totally honest with me, in this instance, made me feel horrible and embarrassed! It had its lasting effect, too, as this happened over 20 years ago and without apology. She could have been a lot less curt. I wish she had said what she did, but followed it up with "some days I just need some alone time to regroup. I hope you understand." And then when I asked her out for lunch, to try and save face, she could have just said "sure, Id like that." The statement has no commitment attached to it and would have given me a graceful exit from the table. IDK I feel like she was rude and unnecessarily cruel albeit honest and forthright. I mean you can tell someone, when asked, "yes your hair looks ugly and horrible, all the time" or you can say "I know that I have bad hair weeks too! When I do, I always go to my hair gal and she fixes me right up! I think I have her number in my desk drawer if you you want me to go get it." There is no reason to be cruel and rude. I thinking that people will say that Im too sensitive. But if I feel that way, I feel that way and you dont get to decide how something makes ME feel. Go ahead and tell her that you need some time to regroup, today/this week, alone. But have a break or lunch with "your work friend" once in the while,too. Be kind, it's free.

Answer 7

“Now, I've realized that it is expected of me to always accompany my teammate/friend to our scheduled breaks…”

Who is making this expectation? Being an introvert and being able to assert yourself are two different things. Unless this is a literal job requirement—which I doubt it is—just tell your colleague that you would rather spend time on your own.

Now if they lash back at you and retaliate via micro—or macro—aggressions, then you have a human resource problem. But it would only be a problem if they choose to make it as such. And if they harass you it will make them look unprofessional; not you.

Assert yourself and politely decline spending time with them if/when you don’t want to.

Answer 8

Buy a good pair of noise cancellation headphones.

It would be fine even if you don't play anything on it, since no one checks. But no one comes up to people plugged in. Eventually everyone will know that you enjoy your own company. Also not reacting to their statements makes introverts 'boring' for extroverts since they are attention hungry. That could help as well. :)