Talking to colleague with short skirt - how do I not come off as a creep?

Question

So, today a colleague of mine from Marketing came by my desk to ask for some input with regards to technical information about our products. This is not our first conversation - the previous ones have always been professional and cordial.

It so happens that I could not help noticing that her skirt for the day was quite short and tight. As she started the conversation standing (while I was seated), her hemline was close to my eye level and I have to admit that my gaze flickered that way once or twice although I was really trying my best to keep my eyes on her face.

I then suggested that she grab a chair from an empty, neighboring desk. It helped a little, but my gaze did flicker again as she crossed/ uncrossed her legs a few times, unconsciously I would guess.

In any case, I think the conversation was productive and she got the information she needed, but I can't help feeling guilty about my wandering gaze which she might have felt was offensive or made her feel uncomfortable. I don't know if she noticed but I am inclined to believe that she did.

My question is this: should I try to clear the air by apologizing to her for my possibly-unprofessional behavior, or simply ignore the incident and keep mum about it? If the former, how should I go about doing that?

Answer 1

how do I not come off as a creep?

If your gaze-wandering was as minimal as you say, you probably didn't. This is especially true if you've already had "professional and cordial" interactions with her, so she knows you as more than that guy who kept looking at my legs.

I don't know if she noticed but I am inclined to believe that she did.

You're right; she probably did, but she could probably also tell if you were "really trying [your] best to keep [your] eyes on her face," which reduces the chances that you made her uncomfortable.

Asking her to pull up a chair was a good idea in any case--if nothing else, it's generally easier to have a conversation with someone at the same height as you.

I can't help feeling guilty about my wandering gaze

Kudos to you for noticing you do this and trying to stop! You should carry that laudable effort into the rest of your life--keep doing this when you're interacting with women at the store, on the bus, on the sidewalk, in the rest of the office, etc.

Not only is it good to treat non-colleagues as respectfully as you treat your colleagues, but with things like this, it's important to train yourself in the habits of keeping your gaze in check. You're not going to be able to always look your colleagues in the face if you're ogling every woman you see on the street, so if you have been doing that, this is your reason to cut it out.

should I try to clear the air by apologizing to her for my possibly-unprofessional behavior, or simply ignore the incident and keep mum about it?

Definitely keep mum. If you were honestly working to keep looking her in the face, you didn't do anything wrong. If she did feel uncomfortable, I don't think bringing it up will make her more comfortable. The way to do that is to just go ahead and be impeccably respectful and professional in the future.

Answer 2

To give a woman's perspective, I have had anything from occasional glances to out and out staring at my chest while talking to male colleagues or clients in a professional setting. I don't enjoy being treated as a life support system for mammary glands. But as long as it is only the occasional involuntary glance and are paying attention to what I am saying, respecting my skills and experience and not making me uncomfortable by spending more time looking at my body than my face, then I don't take offence.

Of course, each woman is different, but it's usually a matter of respecting us as professionals, not as an object. If you were treating this woman as a valuable colleague and have done so during your working relationship, then I'm sure it was fine :)

Answer 3

Definitely do not go to HR and create a problem where there isn't one.

Free life advice: I would urge you to train yourself to be respectful in the workplace and focus on looking a woman in the eye.

For some, eye contact is uncomfortable and in that case, focus on the area between her eyes (this worked for me as an awkward young man).

As a side note, if a woman is uncomfortable with the occasional glances, a minor adjustment to a professional conservative work attire usually can fix this.

Maintaining Eye Contact

Although the standard advice is to maintain good eye contact throughout the conversation, don’t take this to mean that you should stare fixedly at the other person. Maintain eye contact in a natural and friendly manner, which means that there are brief breaks and reconnections. For instance, it would seem natural to look away briefly if you have to pause to think about your answer. Then reconnect strongly as you begin to speak.

The advice above references an interview, the same concept can be used here too.

Answer 4

Don't worry about it. Sometimes it would be almost rude NOT to notice after a woman has gone to a lot of effort to make herself look great. It doesn't have to have any sexual connotations at all. Although happily married I quite openly comment positively on women's looks, clothing and even hairdo's. They invariably take it in the way it was meant, as a compliment.

But in any case you did nothing untoward and there is no apology necessary.

Answer 5

Give yourself a little more credit here. At a basic functional level she was comfortable in that attire around you, which all else being equal is a sign that she trusts you enough for you to not be a creep around her wearing a skirt. It doesn't matter to her whether you glanced at all, and it doesn't matter whether it was accidental or intentional. She was probably expecting a glance, and it doesn't mean she's flattered or wants the attention, just that a glance was not going to ruin her day.

But, what will make her panic is if you do pretty much any of the following:

• try apologizing to her 7 times
• and then ask 14 more times if your apology was properly accepted
• think you're friends now, now that she was near you in a skirt
• ask her out on a date because she was near you in a skirt
• act overly cold around her to prove your lack of attraction (...and therefore become a colleague who is impossible to function with)
• go to other coworkers, boss, HR, etc. making it out to be some spectacle or disaster that her skirt was attractive to you

Is a glance okay?

Honestly I think so, and for what it's worth I'm pretty much a feminist card-carrying SJW (political campaigning, rallies, fundraisers for Planned Parenthood, arguing on the internet...)

One reason women like dressing like this is because sometimes women like working for companies where they can wear what they are just most comfortable in. This means if you work at a somewhat progressive company you're going to deal with guys being comfortable wearing t-shirts and girls being comfortable wearing skirts. You're also going to deal with some guys who look damn good wearing a suit and some women who look damn good in a form-fitting business outfit. There is a line culturally (no speedos or bikinis at present) but the trend right now might be for short skirts to be no big deal, and if it means she doesn't have to change to go out that night then I'm sure she appreciates it.

A woman is going to expect glances from time to time. I would not say she is "flattered" or "complimented" but just that a glance from a colleague of the respective gender and orientation is going to be part of her life sometimes. You can do her a favor by just handling it when you do.

You can handle glancing at a woman's chest/butt/etc. with the following three easy steps:

1. Feel a little embarrassed or ashamed. (But not too much, you're going to put this all behind you very soon.)
2. Say nothing or possibly give a micro-apology like "my bad" or "sorry can we go over that one more time?" [implying you dozed off and were not being intentional]
3. Return to the topic at hand while making eye contact.

This is important: leering, gawking, staring, etc. are not okay. You have "permission" to glance at a colleague because you weren't paying attention for 2 seconds, or something. You do not at all have permission to knowingly look, or to communicate to her that you feel comfortable looking. Roughly speaking if it wasn't intentional it's fine, but that's more because doing so intentionally is quite a strong statement to make to her, and one that you do not want to be making.

Answer 6

As long as you acted professionally, there is nothing wrong with "appreciating" an attractive member of the opposite sex.

So don't apologize. You did nothing wrong.

Answer 7

It sounds like it was an awkward moment. Just put it behind you, but next time stand up instead of asking her to sit. Out of view, out of sight.

Answer 8

I would not do anything, as others have answered. This seems like a one-off event. It sounds like you're mildly attracted to her, which is to be expected at some point in your many years of work. Just don't make people feel uncomfortable. Fashion, especially women's fashion, can be unintentionally revealing, even when the wearer is innocent. And for the record, women can stare at men, just as much as men can stare at women.

The only reason I would suggest going to HR is if this woman has a habit of wearing too short, too tight skirts that don't fit the company dress code. Or she regularly wears clothes that are objectively more revealing than what other women (or men) at the company wear.

Answer 9

You need to keep shtumm and work on your self-control, but it sounds like you're in the clear based on the effort you say you made. BUT, why was her hemline at your eye-level?? In the future step up and suggest a change of venue. Or simply stand up. And of course get used to the fact that short skirts and marketing go hand in hand. And it's not your place to go to HR about her skirt length. Do not do that.

Answer 10

While other answers suggest not to do anything, I would suggest a different approach: gently tell her that her outfit is not appropriate for the office. Of course, that's assuming that her dress was too short.

Answer 11

I am baffled by most of the answers on this question. Most of the answers and comments seem to be blaming the woman for what she chose to wear. Unless she is violating some company dress code, she did nothing but try to do her job and probably has no idea what was going on in your head. The problem is with a man who can't seem to control himself. If the workplace, you need to be able to control yourself and realize that a coworker is a coworker.

There has been an assertion that my answer above did not answer the question, so I will pull out the answer more directly. The question is

should I try to clear the air by apologizing to her for my possibly-unprofessional behavior, or simply ignore the incident and keep mum about it?

My answer is, I don't believe there is any reason to apologize because unless you were drooling or making some lewd comments, I seriously doubt she knows what you were thinking. The issue seems to be entirely in your head. Again, unless she is in violation of a dress code, I don't see how this has anything to do with her.