My boss wants me to inform him if I plan on resigning

Question

I recently had a meeting with my boss about my pending time off this coming December for my wedding and honeymoon. There seems to be some idea that I may be quitting as I (32F) am getting married to my fiancé, who lives 1 hour out of the city. I assured them I had no intentions on leaving but the conversation seemed to continue with them alluding to numerous reasons why I may quit due to me getting married. I’ve been at the company for 5 years, and they’ve asked that IF I give my notice (despite me continuing to reassure I have no intentions on a career change) that I provide as much notice as possible as it is difficult to find someone for my position.

I’ve had such a bad feeling about this meeting all week and I would love anyone’s advice on how they would handle this situation.

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To just justify my sexism tag for this post - some of the comments made to me during this meeting were “well you won’t want to be here and so far away from your new husband” which I responded with explaining that we both live and work in the city so again, I’m not going anywhere. They proceeded to not ask me but tell me “well you're probably going to want to start a family soon and need some time for that then” which I again responded “I have no intentions on going anywhere”. I continued to just use that as a response to everything that was suggested but I don’t feel like a male worker would have ever been interrogated to this extent about what they do on the weekends and if they are planning of making a baby.

Answer 1

If you are happy there and don't have any intention of leaving, then just suggest that they renew your contract with an new, longer, (two-directional!) notice period.

They get the confidence they want, and you have more job security. It also demonstrates your commitment in a way that may help with their (unfounded) underlying concerns.

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EDIT: Explicitly calling out SolarMike's point in the comment below, that if they go for it, then this conversation should definitely also include a discussion of your remuneration/reward package, since they're actively declaring that they're very invested in you remaining. +1 @SolarMike

Answer 2

This one's easy. You say "sure, no problem, I'll do that, I like working here and appreciate the trust you're putting in me" with your best poker face on. If you're feeling cheeky, ask "will the company give me as much notice as possible if it lays me off, because it's difficult for me to find a new position?"

If/when the time comes when you are actually considering resigning, look at how the company has treated you and decide whether you feel you should give more notice than is customary/is legally required etc.

Answer 3

I suspect they were so insistent because they are afraid that you want to have a baby and take a maternity leave, but in many countries asking about that is illegal, so they are asking in a very oblique way.

Whether or not that is what they want to know, make sure not to tell them the answer! It's strictly private, hard to control, and subject to sudden changes, and in any case you have nothing to gain. Don't even mention the topic!

Answer 4

Looks like you've already communicated everything you wanted to do, nothing more to communicate. My advice (or approach) would be to be suspicious of them trying to lay you off (regardless of the reason).

Also it seems like you have the upper hand (no risk of lay off), in that case relax and ignore the obvious human incompetency that you encountered (which is very common and not limited to managers).

Answer 5

I am going to ignore the sexist comments in the managers discussion with you. I am going to ignore the comments regarding possible pregnancy. While these are comments that are concerning, and have potential legal impacts depending on the jurisdiction I am proposing another possibility, management was trying to use the standard argument you can't leave you are too valuable, but not so valuable to pay you more.

I have witnessed this tactic before. A manager states in public or in private that if you are even thinking of leaving talk to them. They need time to locate your replacement.

If these are done in private they try to craft their comments to be specific to you. If somebody has been there many years, they say if you are looking for a change. If you are new, they say if you are feeling lost. If your kids are moving out of the house, they are concerned you might want to move away from the city. If you just got married, they wonder about starting a family. If you are getting up in years, they want to know when you will retire.

They want to plant the idea that you need to tell them as early as possible. In reality you only have to tell them based on the provisions in your contract, or the law. If you need to give them x weeks, that is all you have to do. If x weeks is standard then unless they will promote somebody already in the company, you will never train your replacement. Your boss already knows this reality.

Yes, be concerned about the words they use, but also ignore their point about talking to them early.

Answer 6

OP, I think you're a bit right to be wary, but not paranoid. Whatever you do, I do suggest that you communicate via email from now on so you have these conversations with management in writing. You should give the customary notice if you're going to leave (though as you've said you don't plan on it currently), but I would keep a record of these odd and possibly sexist comments in writing from a legal standpoint so you're protected if anything happens. This is the #1 thing labor lawyers suggest in this sort of situation. It's possible nothing could happen, but better to have a record than not.

Answer 7

Correct response: “You dont need to worry about that. I absolutely love this place and my job here, so I can’t see me leaving at any time in the future at all.”

And when you decide to leave, you give the legally required notice.

Answer 8

They may think that because your upcoming husband (congratulations on your marriage) lives quite a distance away and you're probably going to be living with him, you might be considering quitting. This isn't sexist, it's quite common for such moves to lead to people leaving a company. And they obviously want to have ample time to find a replacement for you. You told them you don't plan on quitting, that should be the end of it.

Don't assume the worst. Just try to see the situation from the company's perspective and it makes perfect sense. If you weren't getting married but had told them you were simply moving to that other town they'd probably have been similarly worried and wondering whether that means you're planning to quit.

Answer 9

I suggest you join a relevant union, which should give you access to free, detailed legal advice from experts well versed in relevant employment and discrimination law.

For now, what jurisdiction are you working in, please?

How could any boss have any right to demand that anyone inform him of any plan to resign? If the two of you have that kind of friendship, fine but do you? That doesn't seem likely from your exposition

Please don't be distracted by 'for wedding and honeymoon'. Is the time off holiday to which you're ordinarily entitled, or something special?

Other jurisdictions have different rules and here in the UK, neither any boss nor anyone else is allowed, let alone entitled to act on any idea that you might be thinking about quitting, because of getting married or for any other reason - unless it affects your work. Does it?

Your being a 32F could not make that matter any more than (with respect) if 32F was your bra size.

Please don't be distracted by whether your husband was your fiancé. How could that matter?

Please don't be distracted by whether your husband or fiancé lives one hour or 12 out of the city. How could that matter, unless it affected your work. Does it?

Travelling 12 hours each way 'on school days' would be bound to affect your work, but what legitimate reason could any employer have for refusing to accept that husband or wife will make that trip only on weekends?

Many reasons why anyone might quit after getting married are obvious yet here in the UK it would be illegal discrimination to act on that logic.

Please don't be distracted by how long you’ve been at the company. Has it been long enough to benefit from unfair dismissal legislation in your jurisdiction, or not?

How could it be wrong for the company to ask you to give as much as possible, whether or not it's difficult to find someone for your position?

How could it be wrong for you to stick to 'Yes, of course'?

Your description suggests anyone might have a bad feeling about that meeting… which is why I again suggest you join a union…

For myself, I see your sexism tag as justified only if you can explain how “… you won’t want to be here and so far away from your new wife” can't apply to the groom.

Their thinking that “… you're probably going to want to start a family soon” is obvious and inescapable and here in the UK, taking any action based on that belief would be illegal discrimination.

I suspect it's true; a male worker would not have been interrogated thus yet the Questions are first whether the company acted on that difference and then whether you can prove it. Did they, and can you?

It doesn't matter whether you have, or say you have 'No intentions on going anywhere…' However reasonable their fears might be, UK law forbids them from acting on such fears.

Answer 10

Don't worry about it, they most likely just think you're pregnant and are trying to find out without outright asking.