Colleague commenting negatively on my look

Question

I'm a man in his 20s working in a research center in one European university and I'm wearing a longer beard and completely shaved hair (my uni doesn't have any dress-code or something like that). Everything is good here, except one thing.

Everybody was ok with my appearance, until one of my female colleagues started publicly complaining about it. At first she usually put it as a joke, but lately, she started openly insulting me in front of other colleagues with "just shave that, you look terrible" etc. To make it even worse, she started to gossip about me with other colleagues and some of them came to me with similar appeals.

Today she confronted me again when I was drinking my coffee in the kitchen and she told she will make a petition and gather a lot of subscriptions for this.

To be honest, I feel very uncomfortable because of this and I don't know how to deal with this situation. Up to this day, I was trying to overcome it with smile and joking, but I feel really insulted every time.

I can't see any way out of this - I feel it's really silly to argue about my beard and haircut with people in their late 20s in a math department. Moreover, I don't want to appear aggressive or argumentative in comparison with a petite woman (no offense, just description). But of course, I don't want to be insulted, either.

How should I deal with this?

Answer 1

I looked pretty much like you describe for a couple of years. I think some people openly disliking it is probably normal (I was also accused of trying to grab attention) and with that kind of unconventional look you'll need to be able to take some abuse.

That being said, you don't need to accept everything. Some people in my case probably weren't even aware how insulting they were. Your question seems like you (understandably) tried to hide that you were insulted. But this also keeps other from noticing that they are going too far. So in my opinion the first thing you should do is start to just calmly but resolutely tell them to stop commenting about your looks like that. No, you can't expect them to know that, people are stupid more often than malicious.

If they continue, I would wait until she has that petition, then grab it and go complain with it. You don't need to wait, but it would be a really useful proof. Even if she doesn't literally start a petition on paper, her having asked around would still get you a lot of witnesses. No matter what you do: Don't rush anything and be sure to have a solid case against the perpetrators. You want to eliminate any risk of this backfiring against you. Prepare a chronicle of their comments, how you asked them to stop and how they didn't comply.

Answer 2

At first she usually put it as a joke, but lately, she started openly insulting me in front of other colleagues with "just shave that, you look terribly" etc.

Thats not okay. You need to push back against this yesterday. If this is repeating, it could be sexual harassment, or creating a hostile workplace, or both. If your uni has an administration HR or HR department, you should go to them now. If they are unreceptive, you need to contact a lawyer specialising in employment law.

I can't stress this enough. This is not okay. Even though I'm not a lawyer and thus cannot give legal advice, any sensible HR department would put a stop to this immediately.

Today she confronted me again when I was drinking my coffee in the kitchen and she told she will make a petition and gather a lot of subscriptions for this.

Thats even less okay. Not only is she openly admitting with this that she is creating a toxic workplace environment, she is even trying to motivate others to join in on the harassment.

Don't stand for this.

Answer 3

This is harrasment.

I am quite a direct sort of person. Whenever she starts this behavior I would simply state that since I am not ordering her around on how to look, she should not do the same to me. I would state that her behavior (petitions, gossiping,...) is offensive, verbally abusive and should stop. And I would do this in front of the people she is talking to. Maybe then she, or the others realize this is wrong.

If this bullying does not stop by your own defense, contact HR, or whoever deals with these issues at your university and post a complaint with all the incidents you can recall. You might even do this immediately.

Answer 4

Does she know that it is not funny?

I think everyone agrees that what she is doing is completely inappropriate, but perhaps she does not realize that. I have seen several occasions where people joke about each other, and usually in a somewhat symmetrical way that nobody seems to mind. Perhaps she thinks that you are perfectly fine with some comradery.

In fact, I recently asked a colleague to stop calling another colleague fat, which kind of surprised him but he did follow my advice with a better atmosphere as result.

Before escalating the issue, try this:

1. Let her know that you don't appreciate the jokes (anymore). Next time simply say:

   Can we drop the topic?

2. If she does not seem to understand that it may be uncomfortable for you, try to make her feel it in a decent way. For example by responding:

   Would you mind if I start making negative remarks about your appearance?

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Something that could work in a non-governed environment, but that is typically not a good idea in a workplace, is to give people a taste of their own medicine. So, avoid responses like like

Sure, I will shave it off as soon as you lose some weight

Answer 5

Write a log

Immediately begin keeping notes.

Calmly and dispassionately write down an entry for each comment or action made by this woman or by others. Write down exactly what happened, covering the “Ws”: When (date and time), Where (what room or office or event), What (exactly what was said, trying to quote exact words), Who (names of persons present who would have heard or overheard or seen actions).

Start this log now, by recreating as many incidents as you can clearly recall. For any new incidents, write down notes immediately to use in writing an entry.

If you have any allies willing to help you, ask them to do the same.

Then you have facts. Then you can show the real problem. Then you can demonstrate this is not a minor matter of mere bickering or petty jealousies. Where you go from there is up to you.

I would certainly file a formal complaint in your Human Resources department of your university and with the civil rights office of your university and the department head, providing each a copy of your log. If I suffered any blowback or negative consequences at all, I would consult an attorney about local, state, and federal laws regarding workplace, discrimination, and civil rights laws. But that is me; whatever you decide, a written log, and any written logs of other witnesses, gives you a range of options.

Answer 6

Don't laugh. Don't try to be funny.

If you don't like it, show that you don't like it.

I have a long beard too and my coworkers here told me to cut it or so at first; I decided to answer with fine jokes like "well, it's not that the beard is long is my hair that changed direction" (since I am losing my hair), or, with the boss aside, last year "if I lose the job i'll be ready to do Santa Claus", or stuff like that. But with other people (especially the less important ones) I usually simply don't care.

If they would harass me more (never happened in my company), I'll make them feel uncofortable, not giving explainations, staying silent, or better acting like having a displeased behaviour, for a bit of compassion that -at least- will make them even more embarassed and/or unconfortable.

And if she continues and tolds you things in a "hah, I am just joking" mood, just say "I am not", explaining: "we can have jokes on many other things but don't harass me more with my beard because it is none of your business". But if you want to be "friendly" you can go on with jokes telling her like "am I your boyfriend?" or better "You don't have a boyfriend that you need to harass in this way?" or, if she continues, "Does someone pays you to be so irritating?", and so on.

Try to make her feel unconfortable if she does the same to you. and remember: if someone is treating you in a disrespectful way, is also because you are allowing them to do so.

Put some stakes. Is healty for relationships in general, is especially healty for professional enviorments.

Answer 7

You don't have to take any derision for anyone. It's very wrong if her.

You must politely ask that she stop making remarks about your chosen appearance, and that her remarks make you feel uncomfortable.

But if she follows through on the petition, here's how you can take turn her evil ways against her, and stop her forever:

When she shows the petition to you, grab it and run straight to the HR department and demand that she be severely dealt with. She will probably receive disciplinary action. HR use lawyers, and lawyers love hard evidence (her lawyers will equally hate it).

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A previous version of this answer contained a suggestion that you encourage her to create the petition, but after comments I realised this may be seen as entrapment, which would weaken your case.

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Practical note: If it's a hard copy, physically take it. If it's a web-based/soft copy do what you can to screen-shot or whatever. But having actual evidence will be very powerful for you.

Answer 8

I don't think it justifies this behavior

No, of course not. If she is not your superior addressing a work issue, then she has no place discussing your appearance.

I'm fond of Miss Manners' suggested answer in cases like this: "I'm sorry, but I don't discuss my appearance." Just use that, and repeat as necessary.

"You should get rid of that beard."
"I'm sorry, but I don't discuss my appearance."
"But don't you think it would look better if you ...."
"I'm sorry, but I don't discuss my appearance."

Repeat until they go away.

Please remember that she is the one who is looking like a fool here, as well as anyone dumb enough to sign a petition. She's the one who will get laughed out of HR when she shows up with the petition.

Answer 9

There's a simple way to analyze this. Flip the genders. Based on this, I'll rewrite your question.

I'm a woman in her 20s working in a research center in one European university and I'm wearing longer scalp hair and completely shaved sides (my uni doesn't have any dress-code or something like that). Everything is good here, except one thing.

Everybody was ok with my appearance, until one of my male colleagues started publicly complaining about it. At first he usually put it as a joke, but lately, he started openly insulting me in front of other colleagues with "just cut that, you look terrible" etc. To make it even worse, he started to gossip about me with other colleagues and some of them came to me with similar appeals.

Today he confronted me again when I was drinking my coffee in the kitchen and she told he will make a petition and gather a lot of subscriptions for this.

To be honest, I feel very uncomfortable because of this and I don't know how to deal with this situation. Up to this day, I was trying to overcome it with smile and joking, but I feel really insulted every time.

I can't see any way out of this - I feel it's really silly to argue about my hair and haircut with people in their late 20s in a math department. Moreover, I don't want to appear aggressive or argumentative in comparison with a portly man (no offense, just description). But of course, I don't want to be insulted, either.

How should I deal with this?

How would you deal with this in 2016? If you can answer this question, you are ready to act.

Answer 10

Your female colleague is desperately searching for your attention.She already tried all possible ways but you don't want to notice her.

Ask her out. Otherwise "Sorry you are not my type" is the best response.

Answer 11

Seeing how long all the answers are here, I want to answer simply : your a kind guy who didn't want to make anything of this and thought it would pass by. Why not?

What you should have done when it was starting to get out of hand is simply impose yourself : tell her you like it, and it's not gonna change. It's a matter of simple affirmation, no need to push it or be angry. Just affirm yourself. You will be amazed at how much people can follow when somebody simply speaks their mind.

Now, as she's gotten proper toxic, do the same but be very firm. You may look angry, you don't have to be. You don't give the slightest fuck, it's just a detail to fix. It's just your neighbor's faucet that is leaking, you don't really care, but it costs you nothing to, just before leaving for work, going straight to the faucet, nonchalantly closing it, not waiting for any reaction (thank, hey what are you doing on my property... etc), and pursuing your business. She is a minor detail, not a problem, but she's a human too, just off, so avoid feelings.

Answer 12

Whatever the reasons for it, i.e. she dislikes you, she doesn't like gentlemen with beards, she's a feminist, etc - it is still a toxic work environment.

If there is no policy against beards, you are not trying to harass her with it by tickling her or placing it on her face, and are otherwise trying to focus on work you can either go to whomever you Supervisor/Manager/Director is and have them try to get her to pull in the reins, or you can ignore it because as you said, only children get angry over superficial stuff like that.