Coworker asking me to not bring cakes due to self control issue. What should I do?

Question

Sometimes I bring cakes to work, e.g. leftovers from birthday party to one of the family members.

Most coworkers are happy about it and eat them without a problem, however one employee doesn't want to eat the cake, however finds himself eating it anyway due to lack of self control.

Most of the times he's OK with it but recently he started to ask (nicely, so far) if I can avoid bringing cakes in the future, even though all others enjoy it.

Some details:

• I bring cakes, in average, maybe once a month or two.
• I am in good terms with the coworker for many years.
• I do not socialize with the coworker outside work hours.
• He is in a different position/team, i.e. not "above" me in role.

How should I handle this? Is there a way to keep everyone happy?

This isn't dupe of Is there an etiquette to bringing cake/cookies/etc. to the office? because it's not about company policy (boss is totally fine with cakes, and being very small, everyone see I brought it right away) and I also don't think it's dupe of How to make a diabetic coworker feel included when I bring in cake for coworkers?, because the coworker is not diabetic and his resistance to cakes isn't due to health issues.

Answer 1

It's true, you generally shouldn't let one person spoil it for everyone, but some have pointed out here that cake at their workplaces hangs around for a while, so this poor individual has to exercise self-control every single time he enters the kitchen.

If he already has a demanding job where he has to make a lot of tough decisions, it's quite possible that he's exhausted his willpower on his job by the time he enters the kitchen and finds that tempting cake.

So...keep him happy? Keep the the cake-lovers happy? Maybe there's a way to keep everyone happy!

Here are a few possibilities:

• Don't keep the cake in the kitchen. Keep it at your desk, along with plates, forks, whatever. Send an e-mail to everyone inviting them to have a piece, but don't copy this colleague. If he comes near, glare or snarl at him until he leaves. ("NO CAKE FOR YOU!" Assuming he has a reasonable sense of humor.)
• Take cake reservations based on who'll be there the next day and how big a piece they want (small, medium, large, or whatever divisions seem right to you). Bring exactly that much cake, cut it exactly that way, and put names on post-its or written on paper plates. Your colleague has no reservation and there isn't enough cake without him stealing someone else's.
• Schedule cake time in a conference room or other place people don't wander by as they might with the kitchen. It's a fifteen-minute break to chat and eat cake, after which you go back to work. The cake-is-my-weakness colleague isn't invited.
• Bring some healthy, filling snack in addition to the cake, so your colleague has an alternative, rather than having to choose between cake and nothing.

Of course, you could combine some of these: Have cake time, take cake reservations, and bring a healthy alternative.

Answer 2

Generally you don't let one person spoil things for everyone else without good reason. If your boss and other colleagues have no issue then I'd just ignore the request. You're not responsible for other people's lack of self control.

Answer 3

I’m sorry it’s tough to see it! But so many other people enjoy this, I would feel horrible depriving everyone else of cake. Instead, is there something that we could do to help you resist those treats?

Say this next time the topic comes up or the day before you bring back cake. Maybe placing the cake elsewhere, farther from that colleague could work? I'd also recommend reading this post from Ask a Manager, there are similarities with your situation. It's a communal candy dish, and the coworker was way less polite than yours, but it could be helpful (part of the above script comes from this post).

Answer 4

I'm going to give an odd answer here, but perhaps also bring a couple pieces of fruit along with the cake so that your colleague can still participate in the experience without feeling guilty.

I know that this is going far out of the way to please someone. But it will likely bring joy to them and others.

Answer 5

I would suggest 'helping' him when you bring in a cake. If he's been politely or jokingly suggesting that you stop, then next time he reaches for a slice, politely or jokingly remind him he's not allowed to have any. If his self-control is lacking, perhaps your control will help him (and remind him that everyone else is ok with it.)

Answer 6

The other answers to this question all completely miss the point IMO. There's nothing to be gained from making a decision based on what you feel is "right" or "wrong" in this case. Weigh the pros and cons and do what you feel is in your best interest.

It's all fine and good to say "this person is overreacting" or "this person has an issue and I should look to cater to them" but it's completely subjective. You could just as easily make the case for either, as others have done.

What to consider:

• How important to you is your relationship with this person?
• What sort of positive impact does this action have on your relationships with your other coworkers?

In short, do you feel that the positive impact outweighs the potential negative impact of denying this person's request? Can you attempt to soften the blow by tactfully explaining to them why you're denying this request and can you accept the fact that this may not work?

Answer these questions, and act accordingly.

Answer 7

Cut the cake into parts equal to the number of people who will be eating it, individually wrap it and put their names on it. For him you can bring him a little toy to play with, or something he wouldn't mind eating without guilt.

Edited with the following on Feb 26,'19

Suggested toys: Tomagatchi, Fidget Spinner, Slinky (multicolored), Foam Dart Gun.

Possible food alternatives: Jerky or Jerqee (the latter is vegan), a veggie tray with dips.

I'm kind of getting the vibe this guy is diabetic.

Answer 8

Ask your co-worker if it would be ok if he would just not be invited to cake sharing. From any point of view they are denying enjoyment to everyone because they cannot control themselves.

It's like forbidding people to ride a bike to work because they know how fun it is but they don't want to pedal.

So you need to explain that this exclusion should only be for them not for anyone else. So you will divide cake in such way there will no for him but others could enjoy it.

Answer 9

Eating disorders are real things, and it's not like your co-worker is being a jerk about it.

Perhaps a compromise - divide the cake at home into a fair number of pieces and place it in an opaque plastic container (think Tupperware, etc). Put it in the fridge/on the counter as appropriate for the food.

Email everyone except your co-worker with the problem saying that slices are there for people and to serve themselves, but please don't leave the container out in the open staring people in the face. Say it's for cleanliness reasons or something.

Leaving the cake out of sight and not making a big announcement about it will probably help your co-worker not feel obligated to engage in eating in a social manner, and not slip up when they walk into the staff room for an unrelated reason and see the cake just lying there, waiting to be eaten.

Answer 10

It's a nice gesture, but it's pretty frequent.

Consider other people who haven't approached you will probably also appreciate having to make a conscious decision about whether they want some (versus impulse).

Luckily, it's cake - take "orders" first thing in the morning, and portion out the cake exactly between the number of people who request it. If the pieces are too large, make them a reasonable size and pack away or throw out the rest.

And bring it in a little less frequently.

Answer 11

1. What if you ask your boss to arrange kind of "self-control" training? Not for that single person, it could be good to make a group experience here. Surprisingly, that way you could help that person way more than just "not bringing the cake" (as he/she may have the same issue in other places and situations).
2. Another option could be a gym - do you have one in your office? Or maybe your company can arrange that other way like compensation packet or corporate plan for any nearby-fitness facility?

Answer 12

If you've ultimately decided to bring the cake anyway, you can:

1. Tell the individual this is the case, you did consider their situation and do not discount it, but felt that not bringing cake for the reason given was unreasonable.
2. Ask them whether there there are particular cakes or flavours they have an aversion to and make your selection accordingly.

Answer 13

Consider whether the cake could be served in an opaque container like a tin, or cloche. Then those who need to force themselves to not have cake, can at least not see the cake. Even better if you put the tin in a cupboard.

Answer 14

If you are both intelligent and reasonable people (and it sounds like you are), I suggest a negotiation. The matter is clearly important to both of you so set aside a reasonable time - say ten minutes. Maybe invite them for coffee.

Put the initial responsibility for finding a solution on your colleague.

Example

I've been thinking about what you said about bringing in cake. I do want to keep sharing the cake and I'd like to do it in a way that keeps everyone happy including you. What would be the easiest way for me to do this without putting temptation in your way?

You can then have a civilised discussion. If no resolution is reached then finish by saying,

Well look, I'll continue to bring in cake but I'll do my best to avoid tempting you. In the meantime, if you can think of another solution that works for everyone, please let me know.

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Backup plan

Get a cake tin with a lock on it.

Answer 15

You can always wait for a day when your colleague is away (maybe he goes to an offsite meeting, or a conference) and bring the cakes then.

Once I worked with a colleague who hated Japanese food. The rest of us on the team, we loved it. And there was a great restaurant just down the street. So we waited until that one colleague had a day off (or a meeting, or whatever) and then we all ate Japanese.

You could do a similar thing without hurting his feelings or tempting him to eat cakes when he doesnt want to.

Maybe your email system has a calendar where you can see if people are available or not, or a vacation list, or something like that.

You can be smart about this and not hurt anyone's feelings.

Answer 16

I think he is making this a lot bigger than it needs to be.

Eating cake is not a compulsory thing, so it's not like you are offering a pack of cigarettes to someone who is trying to quit smoking. If he really wants to, he surely can not eat the cake.

So, as far as a way to handle this, you should simply, but firmly say that all the others colleagues enjoy it, and that you won't spoil it for everyone. You can offer to deny him the cake if he asks for a slice, forcing him to abstain from it.

Answer 17

I am in the same scenario at my work and I have to watch what I eat carefully. It's hard to resist the cakes/sweets on the table as I make a coffee, but this is my responsibility not someone else's. I do not at all expect a co-worker to not eat cake or not leave some on the table for everyone just because I shouldn't have any. This is simply not fair.

Live and let live goes both ways, and I say that from being in the same scenario as your co-worker.

If the cake treats stop then everyone goes without and only one person gains.. well they don't even really gain anything. If the cake treats continue then people still get their sugary enjoyment, and it's only down to one person to have to apply self discipline. I don't mean that in a way of the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one, and I do feel sympathy, but they can go by shops on the way home, go in the supermarket and buy food, etc and they have to apply will power there too.

We all have to apply will power in all areas of life, paying bills, getting to work on time, what we eat etc. Don't others at your company also have to apply self discipline with regards the cakes? Maybe someone who normally eats the cake had a large meal the night before with desert and so need to say no to the cake.

While it's nice to assist others where we can I simply don't believe people should be put out in such scenarios just to cater for someone else's difficulty. We're talking about cakes, not a disability! E.g. someone struggling to get up the office stairs is grounds to have something done even when everyone else is fine. This scenario is just people eating cakes and I say again, live and let live goes both ways.

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My advice is to go to them in a friendly manner and say that you feel empathy and understand, but don't feel it's fair for everyone to lose out on something that really is just a simple and basic event in life.

And perhaps ask them if there is an alternative that they eat as a treat that you can buy specifically for them when you bring in cake for others.

Answer 18

Easy and logical solution: don't bring cakes at work.

Seriously, what you are doing is something which is completely unneded, unrequested and unrelated to your working environment, and as a result of that you are having issues with a colleague and even wasting your time and your health by searching a solution and posting on Internet asking advices to people. That's completely illogical, no?

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Later edit, before downvotes start raining down

What if one of your colleagues decide to bring an audio device at work, but everyone likes the music but you?

What if all your colleagues decide that it's fine to have lunch at the desk, but you can stand the smell?

What about dog day? I mean, if bringing their dog at work make them happy, why should they care about your allergies? Come on, they are just dogs, why all the fuss?

What if anyone else does something completely unnecessary at work, and everyone likes it but you? Will you come here to ask how to stop them, or will you come here to ask how to improve yourself so to allow other people to don't care about you?

Answer 19

Are you sure he's not jokingly asking you to not bring the cake? It seems more likely that he is since it would be completely out of line if he were being serious. Next time he says it just confirm:

hah, you are joking right?

Personally I try to adhere to a low sugar diet so when one of my coworkers brings in doughnuts or similar I will usually make a comment similar to:

Why must you tempt me like this?!

But I am not seriously accusing them of anything and would never expect them not to bring such things.

Hopefully he will say it is just a joke and then you can either choose to accept that or let him know that the joke is getting old.

If he says he is being serious tell him it's a completely unreasonable request and you would appreciate it if he stopped making it.