-4

I have a team lead who is very rude and unprofessional. I joined a new company and was mentally abused a lot before I complained to my manager about him. The team lead has been promoted to my manager now (I will still refer him as TL here to avoid confusion), and after my earlier manager mediated, he does behave well with me publicly.

As the manager made my life better, I somehow started liking him. And the TL has sensed it from my facial expression, and he made it public, told to everyone. He also gave me a lot of company in the initial 1 week of my crush (in office only), which I felt good because I stay alone in the city for my job, and I was new to the city then. But he made so much noise about it, and made it public, that the whole company got to know that I went to blue for my manager.

I heard that my manager got scolding from higher ups for this. Some peers (who have rivalry with my manager) started teasing me, and disrespecting me, saying 'what the hell, you are blue for a married man?'. After hearing such comments, I got very emotional and texted my manager that I have a crush on him, but I don't want to pursue it. Why are people saying these bad things to me?

After getting this message my manager scolded everyone and these comments stopped. But me and my manager were a bit uncomfortable speaking with each other. One day I heard the TL saying my manager that he is waiting to see us fighting. Looked like the TL is very happy that I am unable to connect with manager much now. I was also getting very frustrated with this uneasiness at workplace. So, I took initiative to revive my relationship with my manager. I started speaking nicely with him, smiling at him, requested him to speak to me. My manager also seems to have sympathy for me. He does things like whenever I want to speak with him, he does speak with me for long, as long as I need (regarding work only).

My manager has told me that he is married and there is nothing for me from his side, but he keeps looking at me all the time... so much that those rivals notice it and teases him and me at times. With more interactions, I am becoming mentally more attached to him, and that day I got jealous when he moved away from me and was speaking very closely to another girl. I was upset whole day and in the evening the manager came and did little bit of pampering to break my anger (within professional limits).

Now it has become like, if it is a working day, and I don't get to see my manager, or if there is no interaction, I become very restless and unable to keep normal happiness. If I get a smile from him in the evening, I go home and sleep nicely. If I get to speak, that's even better.

I am now reporting to the TL, and not finding many excuses to talk to the manager anymore. Also, the TL is shouting at me if I discuss my work with the manager directly, as he wants things to be communicated between me and manager through the TL only. I don't think I will work here for long, as I don't like to work with the TL, due to his immature and rude behaviors. He keeps encroaching my personal space regularly. But to change company, I need to concentrate on studies, and I am unable to do so unless I have regular interaction with the manager. With no interaction, my crush increases, and I am unable to concentrate anywhere. And the TL keeps on applying many tricks, so we don't interact.

Need suggestion on how to keep professionally good relationship with my manager, in this condition.

Improve this question
10
  • 8
    This is the wrong site for your problem. I'm not even sure Interpersonal Skills would consider your question on-topic. If you were 18 or 19 years old you could be forgiven for allowing your loneliness to dictate your behaviour at the workplace. Your problem is not about work; it is personal, romantic, and you are not helping yourself by getting carried away by these thoughts: but he keeps looking at me all the time and foolish jealousies: I got jealous when he moved away from me and was speaking very closely to another girl.
    – Mari-Lou A
    Commented Feb 5, 2023 at 17:49
  • 3
    May I ask what you are blue for a married man means? This must be a direct translation of your mother tongue, which I find quite interesting.
    – Mari-Lou A
    Commented Feb 5, 2023 at 17:53
  • 1
    Yeah, American. Our countries are divided by their shared language... Best doc I've found for the differences was Mike Cowlishaw's UKUS Dictionary, and that didn't have space to include all the other dialects...
    – keshlam
    Commented Feb 5, 2023 at 20:41
  • 4
    Ironic that the OP complains about someone encroaching on her personal space while explaining that she is encroaching on someone else's. Makes me suspect the whole question is trolling.
    – keshlam
    Commented Feb 5, 2023 at 22:46
  • 4
    Image that you were married to a man. Your husband becomes a manager. There is another woman at work, who shows the same level of interest in your husband (as you do now to your current manager). What would you (as the wife of the manager) say to the other woman ? - Then, you should take the same advice from that wife.
    – Job_September_2020
    Commented Feb 6, 2023 at 4:36

4 Answers 4

Reset to default
6

Without wanting to be too harsh here, your behaviour has been very unprofessional.

texted my manager that I have a crush on him, but I don't want to pursue it.

You shouldn't have done this. Leave your personal feelings for him outside the workplace.

So, I took initiative to revive my relationship with my manager. I started speaking nicely with him, smiling at him, requested him to speak to me.

It's obvious that there is no "relationship", other than in your head. Let it go.

Need suggestion on how to keep professionally good relationship with my manager, in this condition.

Understand the difference between a professional relationship, where you talk to your manager about things that are related to your work, and a personal relationship.

Improve this answer
4
  • 2
    And the difference between friendship, love, and a crush. A crush is not love, and can kill a friendship. Not to mention being inappropriate in an office setting, especially between people in the same management chain and most particularly when one of those people has any managerial authority over the other As one IBM new-hire briefing put it, "Sex is forbidden on company time or property." (Well, actually he said "or furniture", but they would probably object to sneaking off into the shrubbery too.)
    – keshlam
    Commented Feb 5, 2023 at 19:49
  • Feelings are never one-sided. He has started liking me first, that's why I started liking him. He is clever enough to keep his liking under hood, and my feelings went open. I do speak to him related to work only, and have no intention to speak other things. Our professional relationship is getting spoiled, that's why wanted suggestion how to keep it good.
    – Madam Curie
    Commented Feb 7, 2023 at 4:06
  • 2
    Feelings are OFTEN one-sided. And you are doing an excellent job of driving him away by crowding him. The only way you can fix the professional relationship is to accept that and stop trying to convince yourself of a falsehood just because you want it to be true. I know it hurts to hear that, but that's the reality. But since if you don't knock it off you're likely to get yourself fired, this may be self-correcting.
    – keshlam
    Commented Feb 7, 2023 at 6:14
  • May be you are true. I will stop connecting with him, and ignore his advances. But that might disconnect us forever .. let it be.
    – Madam Curie
    Commented Feb 7, 2023 at 9:08
4

With no interaction, my crush increases, and I am unable to concentrate anywhere

You have to meditate on how this is wrong and will seriously hurt your manager and his family. Refuse to entertain the idea of him leaving to be with you. It is nonsense... resentment towards you in the aftermath will make sure it never works outs. If you are unable to do this, it may be best to apply for other jobs and get out of there for everyone sake (including yours).

Also delete his phone number, text history, pictures, socials, etc. so you can not message him again.

Treat this how someone who is alcoholic, often treats alcohol: complete and total abstinence. Not a sip passes the lips, will not look at it, smell it, go to places where it is present.

Improve this answer
6
  • Usually I'd say this was overkill. In this case, however, with the lesson not yet learned, removing temptation is probably appropriate. And that may mean removing yourself from that environment.
    – keshlam
    Commented Feb 6, 2023 at 3:13
  • I have tried this many times. Not even looking at him. But whenever I have tried concentrating on myself and not on him, he changed his way, and started frequenting near me, roamed around my place, smiling at me etc. I think he misses the attention and wants to keep it going.
    – Madam Curie
    Commented Feb 7, 2023 at 3:46
  • Also, there is no question of leaving or any harm to his family, as I speak with him in office only regarding work.
    – Madam Curie
    Commented Feb 7, 2023 at 3:49
  • He keeps on reciprocating on my feelings non verbally, though he says that he does not have feeling, that's the reason I am unable to be out of it. Otherwise I would have not entertained this for more than 2 weeks. Anyways, thanks for your advices, I will try to get out of this place.
    – Madam Curie
    Commented Feb 7, 2023 at 3:57
  • Yeah, feelings are hard ones, override what is good for us all the time. If you set boundaries and he then steps inside all the time, then leaving it likely the only way out, else resorting to a countenance that he does not find alluring curbing his desire to visit. Good luck with your difficult situation, hope it works out.
    – Chris
    Commented Feb 7, 2023 at 4:53
3

The way you keep a good professional relationship is to keep it professional. Only.

Your obsessions are your problem. Not anyone else's. You need to get them under control, because otherwise you are going to hurt yourself and possibly others. (Arguably you have already done so.) If you really can't let go of this, seek professional counseling; they can help you improve your coping skills. Medication may be appropriate if this is rising to the level of mania. If you can ask us for amateur advice, you can ask a pro for better advice. Really.

Note that pro can include religious counselor, if that's your thing and you think it might help. It does not include newspaper agony columns, much as this resembles their stock in trade.

If you're lucky, and if you can drop it, folks may be willing to consider it a one-time bit of stupidity while learning to be an adult. Eventually. Maybe.

(Note that if you are also reacting incorrectly to other things without realizing why it's incorrect, that might explain why your team lead is grumpy with you ... so getting assistance may make other parts of your life easier to deal with as well.)

Improve this answer
3
  • +1 for seeking pro help
    – Chris
    Commented Feb 6, 2023 at 5:41
  • Counseling is good advice but is there any real reason to think this is mania?
    – BSMP
    Commented Feb 7, 2023 at 19:28
  • No. Not my field, I don't pretend otherwise.. But it certainly seems to be an unhealthy obsession of some sort., and to a degree that I am guessing may qualify as a diagnosable condition. Or may not; it may just be a matter of thinking that life is supposed to be like romance novels.
    – keshlam
    Commented Feb 7, 2023 at 20:00
0

Your options realistically are a combination of:

1: Cold Showers
2: Certain devices powered by double-A batteries
3: Switch Jobs
4: Do something really unprofessional and risk your entire career.

I'd say that by already stating, in writing, that you have a crush to the person you have crush on, you've already crossed a pretty major line - and continuing with your crush whilst working with that person is essentially sitting in a pool of petrol, flicking a BIC lighter.

Now, if you think I'm being harsh, imagine if the Genders were reversed and you had a Male colleague hitting on his married Female boss and had sent her a Txt that told her he had a crush on her - what would you expect the company to do? That tells you how serious this is.

Improve this answer

You must log in to answer this question.

Not the answer you're looking for? Browse other questions tagged .