Coworker made unsolicited comments about appearance, how should I handle it?

Question

I was on-call last night with a coworker. I was wearing a bit of makeup, and at the end of the call, he comments "omg haha are you wearing makeup?". I said oh its for such and such. And, he responds with "oh good you still make an effort".

This doesn't feel like direct harassment but it was also pretty uncomfortable and awkward. I'm unsure what to do in this situation. I've thought about it, and am thinking of different approaches:

• Talk to him directly.
• Bring it up with HR
• Talk to management

I am the youngest on the team and he is probably around 7 years my senior. This is the first time its happened, so I want to make sure I take the right action.

Answer 1

Since this was the first time that happened, I'd just let it slide.

It's perfectly possible that after your conversation your co-worker thought "Hmm, wecanfibonacciit didn't laugh at my last comment. It might have made her uncomfortable. I'll make a mental note not to do that again." Mistakes happen, and people sometimes don't realize immediately that what they thought was a light-hearted joke made someone else uncomfortable.

If it happens again, I'd call him out immediately and tell him explicitly what you want him to change. It might be wise to think about this in advance and prepare a reply. I'd probably say something like: "I don't like these kind of comments, please don't do that again."

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mxyzplk mentioned the following related question in the comments:

• Supervisor commenting on appearance. Inappropriate?

The details of the situation are slightly different, but Lilienthal's accepted answer does a very good job of comparing the different approaches - definitely worth reading!

Answer 2

Isn’t it completely obvious that this is related to COVID19? Most people have stopped putting on makeup, wearing nice clothes etc. because they are working from home and all the places they could go to are closed. Wearing make-up stands out in a positive way.

It’s pretty much like coming to the office in a dress shirt when everyone usually wears t-shirts. Or having your hair done in a special way. People would jokingly ask you if you are going to a job interview or on a date.

I think your coworker was trying to make you a compliment and start some small talk. Not insult you, flirt, or anything in-between. Of course I can’t know the facial expression, tone of voice etc. but it seems completely harmless to me.

If he keeps saying similar things and it makes you uncomfortable you can kindly ask him to stop.

But don’t make a mountain out of a molehill by bringing this simple, single, harmless comment to HR or reporting it to your (or his) manager.

Answer 3

Because of the ongoing corona-lockdowns, a lot of us (both men and women) are rolling straight out of bed to the computer still in our pyamas and having unwashed faces. So a positive remark about/to a woman still bothering to put on makeup could indeed very well be a 100 percent platonic compliment about you keeping composure in face of such circumstances. If you were a man your colleague might have complimented you about still bothering to wear a tie.

It might also have indeed been a (innocent) flirt. However also a flirt from one adult to another adult is not harassment. Flirts only become harassment when they keep coming after you stated that they are unwanted. So if the remark really made you uncomfortable, just do that. State politely but firmly to him that you don't want those flirts anymore. Only take further steps (his manager/your manager/HR) when he doesn't respect this wish of yours.

Answer 4

Send him an email, or a private chat. Tell him you didn't appreciate that comment. This memorializes what happened and allows you to set down your boundary. Then print a copy of that email or that chat log to keep for your personal records.

Just be careful how you phrase your message. Repeat what you heard, and then make your request. But do not call that remark sexist or anything like that. You can finish your message by saying: "And just so you know, some days I will be wearing makeup, and some days I won't be wearing any makeup. In either case, I don't like being called out on it, whether I choose to wear some, or whether I don't."

But at this point, I don't think this warrants bringing it up to HR, or to anyone else. This small matter should be handled privately.

Answer 5

The answers so far seem to be pretty lined up along "it's clear sexism", or "what are you talking about". And matter of fact we do not know, because sexism does not exist in a vacuum. It's always about context.

From my point of view, the conversation had nothing inherently inappropriate. They did not say something like "that's hot" or "looks sexy", it was plain statements of fact.

So on to context. Personally, I feel weirdly out of place in a suit. I only very rarely wear one to work, basically only when I have to. So when I do, and a female colleague says "hey, that suits looks good on you", I feel positive and reassured going into that big meeting. But I can also understand, that there is a difference between me, being complimented on a rare occasion and a female getting unwanted compliments by dozens of people every day. That is the context I'm talking about.

So, whether this is out of the ordinary cannot be answered by just that one call. The question is, how are the other calls. Was the OP singled out? Was she subject to something the other team members are not? And I think the implicit experiences everyone has are reflected in the answers here, which is why they differ so much.

For my team, it would be perfectly normal to say "Bob, do I see this right, did you shave today? You got a date tonight or what?" You can like that or not, but in that context, with colleagues commenting on all other colleagues appearance, the OP seems to be inside the "normal" mark with the comments their colleague made.

For my team, the answers apply that caution the OP. Because if you self-select out of your peer group, if you are known as the one that you have to be careful around, you will end up in a very sterile environment where nobody really includes you into their group. It would be like bullying, except that they did not start it. You explicitly requested to please not be in on their banter and team dynamics.

For other teams, that do work in a more sterile and less jovial environment, requesting the colleague to stop that immediately and if they don't, involve management and HR might be absolutely appropriate.

My point is: all answers here are valuable, but the posters took their team environment as "the" absolute and only environment and wrote their answer accordingly. It is not. Your environment, your specific context matters.

Watch how other colleagues interact. Then decide whether this is something you need to deal with and which answer here applies to your situation.

Answer 6

I am a tech lead on an IT team which has male and female members, whom I manage. If you were to come to me with this complaint, it would actually work against you. If you told me that the problem is that it made you uncomfortable, that would be bad, as I believe the comment does not warrant that kind of feeling at all - I have had similar comments made to me (as male) when I have shared my video and was wearing something other than some kind of tracksuit, without any kind of malice.

Even if we were to assume that the comment is indeed worthy of making you uncomfortable, as a manager I would like my team members to be able to deal with minor (or even major) problems on their own. Meaning that I would expect you to mention to him, in private (or even in public, depending on the situation) that you would like him to refrain from those kind of comments in the future. That would show me that, even if you are a bit delicate, at least you can deal with what I would call basic social stuff.

But then, if you were to mention sexism or harrasment or any "red flag" word, the kind that could get HR or legal involved, that would be way worse, as that would make me think that probably I need to protect my team from you, and not the other way around.

My advice to you would be to not do anything, as you have mentioned that this is the first time it has happened, and I believe the comment is harmless and innocent enough. If it happens again, then I would tell them in private. And then, if it happens a third time, you may think about involving your manager or expressing your discomfort in public (such as the time when he makes the comment).

Answer 7

I'm a 70 year old male in NZ. Appropriateness will vary with culture and country.

I have learned over the decades that friendliness and positivity is increasingly liable to be misunderstood, misinterpreted and liable to get one in trouble.

While I understand that in the current climate it would probably be unwise for the coworker to have acted in this manner this I'd hope that involving HR would be not considered initially.
I'd interpret the comments as an awkward attempt to pay you a compliment in a light hearted way. There are a range of possibilities, but, assuming something along the above lines is unlikely to be harmful to you or them and may be far more positive longer term than assuming the worst.

IF something similar happens again I'd think that something along the lines of "I'd REALLY appreciate it if you didn't comment on my appearance" or "Comments like that make me feel uncomfortable" may be in order.

Answer 8

Feeling awkward and uncomfortable is a side effect of life, but it is not always harassment.

There's a concept called "Mens rea" in law that is missing in how we deal with harassment. Basically it means the person's mental state somehow acknowledges that they know (or could deduce) that what they are doing is a crime.

In harassment handling, we often reject the idea of "Mens rea" claiming that a person need not know they are harassing another for them to be considered harassing another. While that makes it easy to disregard "but we've always done it this way" arguments, it creates new issues around when reporting harassment may itself be an act of harassment.

If you find commentary about your personal appearance unsettling, telling the commenter that you'd prefer if they not comment on your personal appearance again removes the idea that repeated comments are absentminded, where they don't know they're making you uncomfortable. That helps prove that the comments aren't part of normal office interactions, but are part of a plan to target you with the purpose of making you uncomfortable.

So, don't go to management. Go to the source. Tell him what you don't want to hear from him. Give him as much leeway as you desire, but when it is clear they aren't going to comply with your requests, then go to your manager.

After the manager talks to the person, if that doesn't work, then hire a lawyer, and provide him with a documented history of the times you were bothered, the times you replied you didn't like it, the escalation to management, and the failure for it to be resolved after escalating to management.

After the lawyer has all the details he needs, then go to HR. HR will not always side with the right party. HR will side with the party that costs the company the least amount of money. This is why you get your lawyer first, as unethical companies may solve the problem by reassigning you out of the way (or terminating you for fabricated reasons).

Remember escalating to management is no small thing. Compliance is usually forced on the individual by threat of firing him. That's a lot of power to change a behavior, expect hard feelings afterwards (but compliance). I've seen people escalate to management quickly for trivial items, and it has created some of the longest, deepest runs of resentment. I'd reserve escalating until you know the harassing person is aware they are harassing (or should be aware based on your feedback the comments are unwelcome and you want them to stop).

Answer 9

If you are new to a workplace / team, and don't fully know your colleagues, please be very careful about judging someone negatively based on a few interactions. In fact, even if you think your negative assessment about someone is right, talk with other colleagues (about this person's personality and patterns of negative behaviour) to confirm it in case you are thinking of confronting them or complaining about them.

This doesn't feel like direct harassment but it was also pretty uncomfortable and awkward.

It may have been harassment. Or just someone having a bad day or someone with a quirky personality that said something inappropriate without meaning it. The reason you aren't sure is because you don't know this person well enough to judge him.

So, initially, perhaps you can give him the benefit of the doubt by considering various scenarios:

1. He is a bully / pervert who gets off on harassing his juniors.

2. He was trying to flirt casually with you by lightly making fun of you but it backfired. (The kind of flirting where you lightly put down someone, expecting a witty or light sarcasm back).

3. He was trying negging on you.

4. He lacks social skills and acted out nervously.

5. He was just trying to make small talk and joked, and it backfired.

As you can guess, depending on the intent of the person, your feelings will differ on this matter. In general, if you know this colleague well, either through observation or regular interactions with him, you can make a pretty good guess of his intent based on his personality or past behaviour with you and your other colleagues.

If you don't know him well, then start to find out - talk with other colleagues and diplomatically enquire about his personality and behaviour. In fact, this is a good practice to do so with everyone you work and a valuable skill to learn - the better you know somebody, the better you can work with them.

Now, come back to your own feelings.

Based on his possible intent, do you still feel your initial feelings are valid? (Note that I am not saying you were wrong to feel what you felt - at that moment you may have indeed felt uncomfortable and awkward, and that is fine and normal).

(If you assess that your feeling may have more self-internal roots, you may also explore why that particular subject made you feel uncomfortable. And consider if it is something you need to work on yourself to be more confident.)

Only after you are clear about his intent and feelings, and your own feelings on the matter, should you think about the next step:

1. Ignore (if you were mistaken or opt to, for now).
2. Confront (request a change of behaviour).
3. Complain (protect yourself, be on the offence).

If you opt for 2 or 3, remember to be professional and assertive. But if you opt for the 3rd option, definitely make sure to create a list of pros and cons first, especially if you will be up against a senior person.

Some of the obvious cons:

• HR is not your friend. They exist to protect and serve the company, not its employees. (The bigger the company, the more true this is).

• You may be tagged as a "sensitive" or "difficult" person to work with, by both HR and / or some of your colleagues. This may affect your appraisals and working relations.

(Of course, you know your country's and company's culture best and thus are the most appropriate person to decide to what degree are the above cons applicable for your place of work.)

In case you decide not to complain, but still want the matter to be on record, do it diplomatically. One way of doing this is to send an email to HR, describing the incident and the person involved clearly but also making it clear that you are not complaining but seeking their advise on the matter and that it be kept confidential (BCC a copy to your personal email ID too). If you are lucky, you may get good advise too.

So yes, basically my advise is that unless your working professional relationship with someone becomes really strained (e.g. due to bullying or sexual harassment), treat the matter as an inter-personal issue and try to resolve it assertively yourself. Go to the HR only as a last resort.

Answer 10

I completely(!) agree with Fattie's response above – you should discuss this behind closed doors with your manager, and/or also with HR. There are laws to be considered here, and one of the things that HR needs to do is to document incidents like this one to safeguard their own legal liability.

I would not speak to the co-worker directly – that's your manager's role. And, know that, even if you do not inform HR, (s)he must. However, you are legally protected from any and all retribution for exercising your legal rights.

Sometimes, people don't "stop and think" like they really should. Maybe this person's intentions were as pure as the new-fallen snow. But, he'll know next time that there'd better not be a "next time."