Co-worker knows a small fact about me and blowing it out of proportion

Question

Background

I work on a small team of junior developers. We have meetings 2-3 times a week. This was my first real job after school and I struggled to find work, because I didn't have years of experience or a degree.

Problem

A member of my team found out I have a crush on another co-worker, and is using this fact to annoy and embarrass me every chance he gets. What makes it worse, he is naturally loud. When he first found out, I brushed it off as high-school nonsense and didn't think much of it. I certainly didn't expect for him to keep going the way he did.

One time during a meeting, we were waiting for everyone to arrive. The co-worker was late, and my team member smiled, looked at me and loudly said, I could go get her. I didn't really have to get her, we all use Outlook at work, and it keeps track of our meetings, she was well aware we had a meeting. I was embarrassed and angry, but this is work after all, so I had to keep my temper down.

I don't take the crush seriously, it doesn't affect my work, and I don't intend on doing anything. It's a simple crush, nothing complicated and certainly nothing to blow out of proportion.

Other than meetings, I don't socialize with him after work, and I don't hang around where he is. I don't want to escalate this to the manager because I believe this is a trivial issue (again, high school nonsense), and I don't want anyone else to think I'm hard to work with, and will run to the manager every time a situation doesn't go the way I want.

I'm very introverted, and hate confrontation. I fear I might have to confront him, and politely ask him to stop. I'm unsure how to do so. What is the most professional and effective way to bring this harassment to an end?

Answer 1

If he keeps behaving this way, you will have to confront him. Here's something you can try:

"It's time for you to drop this. I know it's terribly amusing for you but I consider flirting with co-workers to be very unprofessional and I have no intention of doing anything. Please stop embarrassing me in public."

Answer 2

This kind of person thrives on the idea that you are uncomfortable with his behaviour, and confronting him simply confirms to him that he is getting a response.

Simply ignore it - if in the middle of the conversation or meeting, just continue as if the guy has not said anything at all. Otherwise, steer to a professional conversation.

This person will stop getting enjoyment out of your discomfort (or will simply present himself as a jerk in front everyone else), and you can move on.

Answer 3

I would approach him in private and say something like:

Your repeated attempts to annoy and embarrass me over liking {coworker} is highly inappropriate. Please drop it.

If the behaviour doesn't stop, you should start keeping detailed written accounts of what happens.

You can optionally approach him again with:

I thought we talked about this. We are not friends. Please stop harassing me over this.

If it still continues, you should speak to your manager or HR about it (and it could help to throw the term "harassment" in there somewhere). Make sure to tell them that you've spoken with the coworker about this.

It seems like a form of harassment, and it's reasonable to escalate it.

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There is a risk here that this coworker will tell the person you have a crush on that you have a crush on them if you choose this route.

You can reduce (but not eliminate) this risk by speaking to him in a more gentle manner (or just escalating directly to management), for example:

I'd really appreciate it if you could stop making fun of me over liking {coworker}.

If this is not an acceptable risk, I might recommend trying to make him self-conscious over what he's doing by, for example, implying he's actually the one with a crush (with either her or you).

In private, or if he's being very obvious, you can say things like "what, are you jealous?", "you seem pretty obsessed with her" or "you seem pretty obsessed with my love life". If he's being subtle with others around, you can try a similarly subtle approach. A response you might expect is "I'm not the one with a crush on her", to which you can respond with "that's not the message I'm getting".

For "you can go get her", I probably just would've replied with "if you don't think she's capable of getting here by herself, you're welcome to go and get her".

This approach would generally requiring thinking on your feet. Less so if you stick to a few generic responses.

An alternative is to try to show that it doesn't affect you. This can take the form of trying to ignore it (which won't work well if you can't hide that it doesn't affect you well, or if he thinks other people find it entertaining) or trying to respond in a light-hearted or silly manner.

Answer 4

Take it to your manager or HR.

Employees who spend their time trying to make their coworkers feel uncomfortable are actively harmful to the point of the workplace, which is presumably actually getting useful work done. A responsible manager will want to cut this off and be aware to look out for future counterproductive shenanigans by the offender.

Some might disagree, but I think what's going on here qualifies as sexual harassment too. Even if the jerk is not trying to proposition you himself, he's repeatedly raising an aspect of your sexuality (interest in a particular person) as a way to make you feel uncomfortable and in a way that possibly puts you at risk of being perceived by other employees as acting inappropriately towards a coworker you actually have no interest in pursuing.

Answer 5

HE (the other team member) is sexually harassing HER (the co-worker.)

Granted OP planted the seed for it by his technically inappropriate comment to HIM, but for HIM to blast it all over the company in his outdoor voice, is the crux of the sexual harassment.

There's a case that HE is sexually harassing OP as well. That claim is a little bit tarnished since OP did plant that seed. But certainly she planted no seed at all, so HIS harassment against HER is airtight, and thus, that is the better one to pursue.

In any case, OP could find himself in a race to HR. If the woman beats him there, the narrative will be OP has been expressing his love for her to the whole office. If OP gets there first, the narrative will be that he said an offhand crack that was not genuine to HIM, and HE is amplifying it. OP is going to want to win that race.

Answer 6

I would tell him the following:

Hey, just wanted to give you a friendly warning that I'm really sick of your childish behavior and you need to cut out this nonsense immediately. It's neither your business nor do I appreciate your harassment. Please take this seriously and knock it off so we can keep getting along, otherwise I certainly won't keep putting up with it like I have in the past. Thanks & cheers.

Answer 7

A potential solution to this is to own up to it. I've had this done to me and, and while it never got to the point where I was annoyed or I thought it was malicious, it was definitely not something I'd want to have happened.

It's not that having a crush on someone is a big deal, since it happens to everyone, but maybe the way you're reacting every time is making the other person go at you harder, since you're an easier target, and since the other person (accurately) doesn't think it's a big deal either.

What I suggest is instead of getting too visibly embarassed, joke along or do a little 'ha-ha' to show that you acknowledge the awkwardness and move on. This serves to show that a) you're not going to overreact and will kill the fun of it b) reduce the weirdness you may feel about the whole crush thing.